Help me Act AS IF, Part 7: The Separation

[newnamenewlife]

Thanks, imp. I appreciate your wisdom and concern.

I do tend to post here when I hit a low. I post less frequently because I hit those lows less often, thank goodness!

I find I am happy, or at least enjoying life, a lot of the time, actually. I also have some interesting work right now. Sometimes it scares me, kind of the way you can feel guilty enjoying life after someone has died--like how can I allow myself to feel happy? I guess it's part of letting go--when I'm suddenly aware that I am detaching more, it freaks me out a little because I've been so attached to this drama with H.

Not obsessing about it means finally moving toward letting go of my M. As much as I know I have to and I should, it's still upsetting. The girls seem to be moving on, H has certainly moved on and I'm the one left holding on to a shred of hope, to the past, to memories. It seems like I'm the only one who has NOTICED that a 19 year R and a family life has ended. It makes me feel like I imagined my whole M sometimes, that none of it was real (but I can't even think of looking at photos. That terrifies me. I don't know what to do with the zillions of photos documenting what I thought were happy years together.)

Taking off my wedding ring, which I did a couple of weeks ago, was a huge step for me (prompted by seeing H's naked ring finger). It felt good and it feels right to not be wearing it now. It's the gradual realization that all this is going to be permanent that knocks me out sometimes and makes me go back to ruminating.

And I still don't understand what happened to my H and my M--I go over and over it, hoping that maybe if I do, I will hit the jackpot and finally get it. I'll probably never really have more answers or a better understanding of how this happened, though.