Cinco, yes, you may be right that there is something different about myself and Ali that your wife may never reach into for herself...but my guess is that she will first need the proper motivation to reach into herself for it.
Therefore, as part of your follow up to your ultimatum letter, you are going to have to explain to her very clearly how important good communication is to you. Don't just let it go. In fact, don't accept her willingness to agree to your letter without also her willingness to agree to open and honest communication.
This will be difficult for you and very difficult for her as well.
I want to say right now, when I was first together with my fiance, I literally could not even speak during sex. It was like I had lost my voice, even if I tried to speak even one word, there was no voice coming out. It took him months to make me realize that it wasn't actually about "dirty talk during sex"...it was about communication. Without communication we were never going to have truly fulfilling sex. It took me a very long time. And that goes for both the dirty talk and the direct communication.
Although I would say I was probably way more open during non-intimate times than your wife is, I was still very stunted.
So even though I may have been a closet HD, I was still under some kind of hypnosis that did not allow me to speak during sex or have meaningful conversations about it.
Again, my man is very good at not only sex, but also true intimacy. He is the one who got me to "see" this stuff and how true it is for EVERYONE. His vast experience allowed him to see the difference between sex and SEEEEEEEXXXXXXXX. And that difference is intimacy.
So....you are correct I am sure, that you wife will never just open her spout and tell you the things you need to hear from her....UNLESS she agrees to your letter, agrees to counseling, you both put in the effort to learn and grow together....and maybe you will be suprised after all?
Also, just one point about how it annoys her for you to ask "did you enjoy that, I want to know how intense it was for you". Well...you are going to need to brush up on your communication skills too, before this can get better. Because the gist of that question is basically "tell me I did you good". Now, while I totally get why you need to hear that, and you SHOULD hear that...but until she breaks free from behind her wall, she won't just go straight to that answer. This is "too deep" for her. She will have to start with much smaller things, even a coy smile at the thought of something that turns her on will be communication for her at this point. I don't know if this is making sense but I will try to explain better if not. Let me know.
Just realize that this will take a lot of time. I think it took me at least a full 6 months of regular, good, sex before I could actually even say one word during sex. It takes time...it takes patience...it takes learning and growing. I had no idea how much I would have to GROW in order to experience the great sex life I have now. I would have thought it would just be easy if two people have it "goin' on" that they could just "get it on" and all would roll through smoothly. My very knowlegable and beautiful fiance has taught me differently....it doesn't necessarily go smoothly at first. It takes time together to get your groove on, even for him with his experiences.
Hang in there and have HOPE! Your message above has the undertone of "but I don't think she has some magical ingredient inside of her and without it, we may be doomed". FORGET ALL OF THAT and have hope instead. PICTURE HER as you wish she could be with you. SEE IT in your mind. Stop dwelling upon her shortcomings and focus on her potential. IT IS THERE.
