And Cinco....d'oh! Um yeah, the little lock by the side of my thread, yeah...that's a good clue that it is locked. I had to laugh when I read that!
I have to address something I have seen in a few different posts by HD men about their LD wives....
I have seen a few of you say, essentially, that your wives did "seem" to enjoy sex a lot in the past, and now she may be re-writing history or you aren't sure if you were reading her wrong and she never enjoyed it, or maybe she has always been faking it...the general idea here is that you don't actually *know* for sure if she liked sex before or not, but she *seemed* to.
So...I have to just say as a former LD wife who is now not only HD but also I have FINALLY been liberated into my own sexual self...
...that I now "get" something I never "got" before. It is difficult for me to explain it but I will try....
With my fiance, we discuss sex, we talk about what we like, we talk about fantasies, we talk about the sex we had last night or the sex we want to have tomorrow night. I tell him specifically the things he does that drive me crazy, and he does the same. In other words, there would never be any "question" in his mind whether I am enjoying the sex or not. BECAUSE WE OPENLY DISCUSS IT!
And what I "get" now that I didn't "get" when I was LD and married, is that if you are not close, connected and inimate enough to actually TALK about your sex life with your spouse, then you will not ever be sure if it was "as good for them as it was for you", as the saying goes.
Now, I can imagine that many of you men would say "well I for one would love to talk about it, but she won't, so what can I do?"
Unfortuantely, if you feel that way, you are probably way off base and you have some inner work to do. If you and your wife and not freely discussing sex and what turns you both on and how to experience that together, then it is YOUR issue as well as hers. She is not stonewalling you alone, although it may appear that way to you. But you are actually stonewalling her, too.
I know that my ex-h would have said "I would talk but she won't so its her fault, not mine". And yet, why would I have talked to him when he was so insecure that anything negative I may have said would have sent him into a depression? And if I couldn't openly express something negative to him, then how could I openly express anything positive to him?
He and I never fully made ourselves so vulnerable to each other that we were willing to talk out loud. That made a huge wall up between us.
I now "get it". We weren't connected and that was obvious due to the fact that we literally could not even discuss our sex life.
Yes, I was a horrible wife and there are so many things I wish I had done differently...but as for how I felt about things and what might have helped, I really needed my ex-h to MAN UP about things and to initate open and honest discussions about things. But instead, he was too afraid to find out that maybe he wasn't "doing it" for me.
So he too, I would guess, would have said "she seemed to enjoy sex when we were first together, but later I wasn't so sure".
Well....when we were first together, why would he only say I "seemed" to enjoy it? Because he was too afraid to ASK ME directly if I enjoyed it. He could not say for sure if I enjoyed it or not, because we never directly discussed it.
I didn't know it then, but I do know now, that without that open intimacy and being able to discuss things, we were never going to get anywhere. How could we improve if we literally didn't even speak of our desires? We both desired to be more initmate and wished we were happy, but if fear was choking us down and not allowing us to be vulnerable enough to at the very least, face the TRUTH each of us were feeling, then how could we ever have truly good sex?
I hope this makes sense. I hope some of you HD husbands can think this over. YOU are playing a part in your situation, too. And each time you agree to sex with your wife, without happy participation from her, you are giving her the message that you don't care enough about your sex life to really find out if it is good for her or not. You may not realize you are doing this, but you'll just have to trust me. Also, each time you are not brave enough to open that discussion, your wife goes a little further behind her own wall and figures you are not really all that serious about your own sex life and needs, or else you would speak of it.
One of the very important ingredients to my current excellent sex life is daily communication. This is in the form of compliments and naugthy talk, for fun...but it also includes very specific and detailed intimate information sometimes, too. There are always ways to improve, even when it ROCKS like my sex life...but it can't improve without discussion! And if we were too embarassed or afraid or unwilling to be vulnerable to discuss our sex life, it would not be what it is.
I wish I had known this when I was married. I wish my ex-h had the courage to actually speak to me about sex, during sex, after sex....any talking at all would have helped. How could he expect to REALLY know what I was thinking, feeling, whether I enjoyed sex or not, without talking to me about it?
Just my thought for the day...please don't take it too personally....just roll it around your head and try to realize, things are not always what they seem. Your wife not talking to you about sex is not just your wife's issue, it is yours as well.
