"If I share my thoughts you will like me less?" Where does that notion come from? What drives that belief? How do you have a more fulfilling sexual relationship or any other kind of a relationship with someone you fear sharing your thoughts with? Is that fear based in something she has done to you or is it based in your belief that your thoughts aren't worthy of being shared?

I read your post and came away wanting to ask a 101 questions. I became so interested I found your thread on newcomers and read it. It's my belief that you set yourself up for failure in your relationship with your wife because you don't feel yourself worthy of a true emotional connection with anyone and more than likely have stuffed any feelings of intimacy for anyone for so long that you have forgotten how to feel or go about getting what you need from your wife.

We can only stuff feelings for so long though. Our needs eventually come to the surface and I believe that is what has happened with you. Now that they have come to the surface, now that you have decided to feel, instead of work toward maintaining the "deal" you made with your wife what have you done? You have gone out and gotten yourself emotionally attached and in the middle of a situation that is unattainable. Kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy maybe? Deep down you don't believe yourself worthy of love, fear being rejected if you do openly love someone so you set yourself up for failure once again by finally feeling for and accepting love from someone you can't have.

This high school sweetheart that you fell in love with and never let go..why do you suppose you have held on to those feelings for all these years? Could it be, that if you hold on to the love you felt for her you wouldn't have to feel it for anyone else? If you don't feel it for anyone else then you don't have to run the risk of being hurt by it or rejected by another person? Why do you have such feelings of love for someone who cared so little at the time that she wasn't willing to put you and your need for an education before her desire to marry and have children?

You say in this letter to your wife that you would rather not risk her rejection of you when you try and initiate sex so you just don't initiate. Maybe that is the running theme through out every aspect of your life...as far as it relates to emotional involvment with a woman anyway. It's easier not to feel and not to connect than it is to suffer some of the pain that comes along with loving someone.

When you talk about "speed" and how you run a thousand fantasies through your brain so that you will be able to end the session faster I have to wonder if this isn't the same as giving her more time away, working hard to make sure she is kept satisfied and keeping your end of the bargain up. Work, work, work to make sure that things stay as they are, that she is not made to feel any discomfort so that you don't have to face the fact that you have needs that aren't being met and you might possibly have to step outside your realm of comfort to make sure they get met.

Why do you feel perfectly content to just let it all go? Why do you feel it's better to let it all go to keep from having to make your wife angry? Is avoiding her negative reaction to the fact that you have certain needs....not only in the bedroom but in every other aspect of the marriage...more important than actually making sure that your needs are met?

Whats going on here? Is it that you finally want to connect with someone emotionally and you are finding it easier to do with the old girlfriend that with your wife because the old girlfriend is giving it freely. You might have to negotiate your needs with your wife and you seem to shy away....hell, you seem to run for cover when it comes to negotiating your needs.

I think you long for a connection with your wife. If not, the fact that your sexual relationship with her is less than satisfactory and seems very painful would not bother you at all. I think you long for it but don't trust yourself to get it, don't feel worthy of it and have no idea in hell how to go about getting it.

You said in your other thread that all you wanted was to hold up your end of the deal you made with your wife. Well, if you are in business you know that business deals change and have to be re-negotiated at times. That doesn't mean the company falls apart. It just means putting your negotiation skills to work and hammering out a solution that suites all involved. I think finding a solution to the problems you are experiencing will only come after you learn to stop being passive, stop getting your needs met in ways that will allow you to continue to be passive and to learn that communicating and dealing with the anger that comes from communication is nothing to fear. Fear, passivity and apathy...it's a killer!
Cathy~