From my last thread, last Monday night, in the middle of the night after we (or at least I) had fallen asleep, H rubbed my leg, then had his arm draped over my waist. I snuggled in closer but not really too close and after 5-10 minutes he slowly rolled over away from me.
Last night the same thing happened. This time I snuggled in closer but not really too close and as he ever so slightly caressed my side I did the same to his arm. I opened my eyes and looked to his face. It was dark, but I believe he was looking at me back. We again didn’t say a word and he again after a time rolled away from me. As we were looking at each other, I so badly wanted to ask if he was awake, but I didn’t. As he found and settled into his new position, his hand touched mine and he slowly moved his hand away from mine.
He had been out celebrating a case he just settled and so I know he had been drinking. Again, as last week, he didn’t say anything this morning, except that he had a headache.
In the larger context of things I don’t think it is any kind of “baby step”. I don’t even want to try and interpret what it means because I am sure I’d be wrong. And yet I feel like I need to interpret it in order to know how to respond. Then again it may never happen again and so what is the point.
I’d love to show him that I want to meet his needs and I would be fulfilling my physical needs as well (no one had ever satisfied me like my H has!), but I believe that I would be emotionally devastated in the morning. I am not THAT detached. It would be different if I were getting even a glimmer of emotional connection from him during the daylight hours, but there is absolutely none. He has rented a condo and is wanting to move out and has never outwardly shown me any desire to work on our M with me. I do want to ML to my H and I do desire him so much, but it is him, the deeper part of him that is hidden away right now, not the shell that I can only see. All that, and he had been drinking. So there is not much more to say about that, I probably responded how I needed to.
If he was reaching out to me in some non-sexual way, then I probably responded how I needed to as well. I want him to know that I am open to him, that I believe in him, that I can forgive him, that I have learned from all this, that I want to be with him, the him that I think he is deep down. Maybe me looking at him and not looking away scared him, like I was waiting for something. Maybe I could have asked “are you okay?” and that could have opened a door for him to talk to me. Maybe it was all done in some kind of drunken stupor and he didn’t know what he was doing at all and doesn’t remember any of it. Maybe now after writing this out I can stop my mind from trying to interpret it all.
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
