Trying ... well if you can call it that, I guess.

[MichelleLT]

I got my first exam mark back today. I passed. Toot toot... 96%

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (((Abbey)))

[Abbey]

Ali, yeah, I really am angry about the accusation. And the H has been told repeatedly not only from me, but by the guy as well. My H accused the guy of trying to get "us" back together because he felt guilty for sleeping with his wife. Right now, ...The H is too busy using that as part of his rationalization for his douchbaggery. He blames me 100 percent for the melt down of this marriage, and how I treated him etc. So much so that latching on to someone else immediately only feeds that delusion. He takes no responsibility for his own part in this. Having a shiny new penny to divert him is easier than looking in the mirror and figuring out his own self. Funny thing is, she's the same age as I am when we got together, has the same physical characteristics. Blond hair, weight, height etc etc etc. I call her the dollar store version of me. There's enough "stuff" there in what he's doing subconsciously to fuel at least 2 or 3 chapters of some psyche book or thesis, I'm sure.

My anger evolves further that the OW parasite CLEARLY knew what she was doing by feeding my H's insecurity about this "guy" and then out right telling my H that I was messing around with the guy. (My H actually believed and often told the story that he knew this guy was gay until the accusation came out his mouth after the bomb.) The first 3 weeks after the bomb, he was actually trying. He actually broke it off with her (long story - just trust me on this, I just KNOW it's how it all unfolded)... the day after it all happened and she saw us together on that Friday night and she knew we were going to try to put things back on track,.... I have phone records of her phoning him all weekend long with hour long phone calls to the tune of some 5 or 6 hours worth of conversations to him. That weekend he *turned*... the tap got turned off... and then the accusations started to fly about the "affair". Coincidence that she had LOTS to lose, was about to lose her Sugar Daddy ... and then him then swearing that he KNEW I had an affair etc that very weekend? You do the math. (There's more but my brain is too tired to go through all the rest of the details)

Suffice to say, yeah, I've even (actually BOTH of us me and the guy) have repeatedly offered to do a lie detector test. We've been met with: Oh, anyone can fool those things. Blah blah.

So you're right, the hurt, the injustice of it, the frustration and anger and how they just spin into each other,... just exhausts me. If I'm being honest, I'd love nothing more than to be in a place to do what Lisa is doing. It WAS my original intent. When I first read here and some of the testimonies on the forum, I read about a man who did this with his wife... he decided to be her best friend, etc etc etc. I KNOW... I KNOW... I KNOW it would give me an amazing upper leg to getting this marriage back on track. It's why I'm so angry that my brain chemistry ISN'T cooperating. I fought soooo hard to stay off of Anti-Ds, I refused to want to believe that I wasn't strong enough to do what Lisa and that man I read about and the "best friend" mode of DBing. Sigh... I can't. My mental health just simply at this point... can't handle it. I wish, pray, it wasn't the case ... and OH YEAH!!!!! am still incredibly angry at myself that my body isn't cooperating and allowing me to DO that mode. I've had to try to come to terms with the limitations of the cards I've been dealt here. The lie about my affair ... and my brain just simply NOT able to stay quiet enough to do BestFriend DB. I can beat myself up about it... but *shrug*... I tried to do it... and it sent me to a very bad place that I simply won't revisit again. Soooo... MAYBE, ... just maybe as this unfolds I might be able to turn that corner,... but right now, I can't. You have NO idea how much I wish I could. But I know right now, that attempting that, would leave me at the bottom of a pit that simply isn't healthy for "moi"

Just like you with wearing bright colors and red shoes (I have a fetish for BLUE ones, cuz my mother wouldn't allow me to have any as a kid - cuz they didn't match with enough clothes *giggle*)... I'm trying on "new things" as a way to get stronger in the interim. I've joined a gym plus I walk every day. I've pushed myself to take these courses that is part of my original 180. I've gone dark. I've started the "vision board" - a la "The Secret/Law of Attraction". I've started to reconnect with old friends that understand what I'm going through, but are "away" from the H/OW zone. (I've gone into requesting from everyone except 2 of them that it be a No-H-zone.) I don't want to talk about him and the parasite, I don't want them to tell me what stupid crap they've been up to. I don't want any more "zaps" of emotional fry pans in the face about being reminded that these two are together. No tattle telling etc. I just simply want to treat it like they don't know my H, the situation or that I was ever married to him. I'm getting good at knowing what my limitations of what baby steps I'm able to take. I was invited to a concert 2 weeks back... was too soon to link up with those friends. And I was invited to a birthday party with my old band mates and their place is a TOTAL no H zone... I almost said yes... but knowing going back to the neighbourhood, seeing ALL of those folks all at once, being alone there with them for the first time... tooo many firsts,... and I would have been brought to tears.... probably a few times. It was a happy time and I really didn't wanna be a downer on someone's b-day, ya know? Besides... my body started to shake and I had a minor panic attack as I contemplated saying yes. So I know it was too soon... I'll say yes eventually. Matter of fact, one of the "fun things" is to link up with these same people at a camp site for the weekend about 2 hours from here, in about 6 weeks. It's a goal to try and be ready for that. Also another fun thing is my long time friend and I are going to do a bunch of museums and galleries in August. Going to do a all day boat trip on the 1000 islands on the St Lawrence.

My T and I talked about how I’ve taken to really trying to find things to get me stronger. Because she knew I wanted to be the “best friend” and try to start to have an “affair” with my own H. Right now, that’s part of why I know I’m not ready to reconcile with him. I’m, .... me... the person I need and want to be isn’t ready. Gotta work on me for now. I’ve put the order out there to that “Law of Attraction” philo of what I want... and right now, it’s up to me to be the best me I can be. Same with all of us here.

Wow... this was long winded!
Abbey

[Abbey]

Ali... can you point me to Lisa's posts? I cant find them. Thanks.

[Abbey]

Ooops... ended up double posting...

[Abbey]

Journaling,...

Based on something I heard last week/ or maybe I read it, can't recall now... theres a theory that: that which controls the serotonin and dopamine in the brain, controls the person.

How I've related this to my H, is that right now, is that it certainly explains how this OW (or any of our spouses affair partners) can have him wrapped around their little finger. She can in effect get him to do just about anything. The MLC in him is seeking feel good stuff and right now, this happens to be the parasite. Shame that she's someone who's so toxic - bad influence etc, someone who has the potential to really RUIN the H and his life. Yes, he still has an element of free will... but it IS greatly influenced by what his own brain is doing in regards to how she makes him feel.

My H HAS changed. Tremendously. Family members and people who have contact with him every day are left with their jaws dropped. I realized based on that, I simply cannot compete with that... all I'm going to do is damage myself if I were to try. Hopefully it will even out on him at some point.... I just suspect that it's not going to happen in the quick foreseeable future. He needs to hit the wall. My job NOW, is to be the stable one. Be the one who goes on with life and build something for ME first,... but something that still could have room in it for him, if he ever grows his brain back.

I worry for my H, because this person he's involved with... IS a horrible, HORRIBLE influence, and I've seen just how he went from being a loving man into a narcissistic, lying deceptive a/h to anyone and everyone except her! He's now given himself license to BE that kind of person because it's encouraged... cheered on by someone who'll happily reap the benefits of her influence.

My H may never come back and I'm now learning to accept that possibility. Instead, I've thought of exactly who he'd have to be to show up at my front door... with his brain back from la-la land. I do not want this person my H has become ... he he gets back down to earth... there's room then for the long journey back to reconciliation. Out of my hands.

Strange for me that right now, I'm getting out of the blue happy memories. I'll be driving and BANG... a memory of a happy time between my H and I. Par for the course, I guess.

Abbey

[MichelleLT]

You sound like you are doing good. Getting more detached and stronger. Your poise is amazing!

Your H is insane, but you are right, he will have to figure that out for himself. Time will tell.



(((Abbey)))

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Abbey... I understand. As you always explain things so well! Its nearly destroyed me at times being a "best friend" to my ex, and constantly putting on a brave face, a front, a smile, when I am dying inside.. and I am not a sufferer of depression and he hasnt got an OW. Its taken so much out of me, I've had nothing left for others for the past year really...so I thikn it would take even more enormous strength to do that with an OW to contend with and clearly, you took the right decision to protect yourself - you just arent up to it and I dont blame you! Like I said, I am amazed at Lisas strength and fortitude, I dont thikn I could have done what she has done, but if you want to read her posts, her thread is here...OneDay

You are doing really well in teh face of adveristy, with your classes and taking steps back to old friends..all of these "firsts" without your life partner are so hard. I found this weekend hard - I actually didnt see my BFF for a YEAR becuase I couldnt face seeing her without him around, its wierd. So I do understand.

Thanks for the explanation about the affair and your efforts to tell him the truth - thats just astounding that he wont believe you considering the lengths that you and the OM have gone to, staggering. I hope he wakes up and sees what a mess he has gotton himself into, a clingy gold-digging needy mother of 4 neraly 20 years his junior!? The odds are stacked against them I think.

Thanks for your posts on my thread Abbey, you have been a massive help as my experience of depression, like I said, is so limited. I have read books and the website depressionfallout was really helpful, but your posts are so honest and personal, they have helped me understand what he may be experiencing.

Ali xxx

[Abbey]

Thanks for the link... I'm finding the strength to read through the roller coaster she's been on.... oddly, I've had a weird week emotionally, not sure if I'm coming or going, ya know? I know that reading her thread, is a preview of what I'm going to have to do... I'm not sure how close I am to running for the hills and not being able to do it at all... or peeking into that realm and see if I even think I could do it right now. I know... on a good day I can eventually do this. On a bad day... I dunno... makes me want to go find my own cave with my critters and put up a barbed wire fence.

Anyhoo... I broke "dark" this week. I resisted three attempts by the H, but the 4th caught me off guard and we went "out". I flatly rejected any of attempts to see each other,... so I get a call from him to ask "my advice" of any good shows he could see. WTF? (at first I thought he had completely lost his marbles and was asking me so he could go out with her!?!... but alas, nothing sinister like that... it was good that I didn't go off on him then, eh? :)) He hadn't been successful with his other attempts to "grab a bite" or what have you over the last week... so I have to give him points for what this seemed like - a more creative attempt through the side door.

Me: I haven't seen anything.. been renting DVDs.
H: Ah, you didn't go see that one you were talking about? With Harrision what's his name?
Me: No, figured I'd wait for DVD.
H: So.... what have you been up to? (my note: I've resisted even chit chat... all business).
Me: Not much... studying, working out etc.
H: What are you taking again? (my note: I've been PURPOSELY vague in not answering his question about this... I do not want him knowing what I'm taking until I'm though with the courses. I don't want him in one of his MLC's down swoops to deflate my energy and my resolve to do it).
Me: Math,... some computer courses. (my note: this is the 3rd time in 4 days he's asked curiously about this).
H: You'll be finished soon?
Me: No... not til November.
H: Oh.... pause... I was thinking about grabbing a bite... you eaten?
Me: Yeah. About an hour ago.
H: Oh.... uhm.... I was thinking of going to grab a big burger, haven't eaten junk food for a while... then maybe I would do a movie...
Me: you just wanted me to go eat with you only?
H: No...(he chuckled) do you want to go to a movie?... I'm online looking at times... have you heard of any of these, the Harrison Ford movie starts too soon.
Me: The Dark Knight....

We met at the resto ... was quite pleasant, chatty, etc... he noticed I'd lost weight, told me I looked good. Gossiped about the "Paton Place" where he's still living etc etc. He was particularly critical about the same people he seemed to like only a few months ago. He said he was doing an activity that he'd all but not done all summer. (my note: Good, breaking away from the hold the OW has on him... doing his own thing again etc). At the movie he didn't walk away from me like the last fiasco ... instead he tried to entice me into junk food... even bought extra in case I changed my my mind. Through the movie, he didn't move away like he used to when his leg touched mine, even has his arm,/back of his hand resting against the outer part of my leg well over ten or 15 times during the show. He'd stay like that for about 5 minutes and then would shift positions. Then he'd lean his hand/arm on my side of the seats touching me etc.

This was ...at least I think so... hope so ... one of those peeping his head out of the gopher hole times that MLC's go through. (Any opinions?) I was pleasant, friendly, unassuming, (ate 2 pepcid a/cs just to get through the "date".)

We hugged when we said goodbye. It was pleasant.

Hmmm... something else... During the time at the resto, I applied the "tell little secrets about yourself" things we used to do with one another before and got one of his, in kind. I now fall asleep with the radio on... said I had to go buy a radio with snooze so it would shut off after I feel asleep. This was something that he liked to do when we were together, but I had requested we not do because he'd sleep through it and I'd have to get up and turn off the radio on his side of the bed etc. He told me he now leaves the TV/music channel on when he goes to bed... loud he said. WTF? I know one thing... he's not good with "alone". He also said he goes grocery shopping at the local 24 hour mart at 1 am or whatever.

Now... I really AM starting to wonder if it was him in his car a few times driving past my place.

All this amidst the OW moving out on her husband... but not into my house from all accounts so far. (I would doubt he'd ask to go to a movie 2 days after she moved in, right?)

Wonder if she knew he was with me last night? *tongue in cheek*

I know, I know,... I knnnnnnnooooooooow... I'm going to have to have an affair with my own husband... Isn't that the very first thing I said when I first found this place?... (swallows another pepcid)

Abbey

[AliSuddenly]

Wow Abbey, I think there could be something in this.. we're between eclipses and what comes up on Monday (did come up) is supposed to be a precursor for what we will be dealing with from now on over the next weeks and months.

So he has been pretty persistent in meeting up with you then? And well done for holding him off and then being kind of in your own space on the date...made him reach out to you by the sounds, I'm impressed! He did sound like he was thinking of you and making the effort to engage with you...which, no, you wouldnt do if you had happily moved on with someone new. So I say trust your instincts.

So you know that OW has left her H, but you dont think she has moved in with your H? Not if she has 4 kids I guess, becuase presumably, she would have to take them with her and you couldnt move out from one guy and in with another straight off, with your kids in tow, surely, that would do untold damage to them!? And not if he is saying he needs to fall asleep to loud music - that points to some difficulty getting off to sleep I guess.

You are doing so well, whats the 'plan' for next then, wait and see if he contacts you again? I understand totally what you are saying about wanting to be vague rather than, no, I havent done anything about X, because I am an emotional mess right now and miss you terribly, not good DBing, no ! It annoys me a bit that these WAS do that to us, Lisas H does it to her and mine has said "brilliant!" at any news about stuff in my life, with no appreciation taht maybe its not brilliant, maybe in actual fact you feel shattered and unhappy and finding it hard to find the joy in things that you once did before they dumped you from a great height !!! Its like a lack of understanding, or empathy.

Thank you again for your help on my thread, you are a treaure. Things were looking bleak before for you and I am so pleased to read that he is reaching out to you,

Ali xxx

[Abbey]

Things are still going to be up and down for a long while, I would imagine... Lisa, you, myself,... (Where's Michelle?)... The sad truth is that he got his way... got me to budge, now he can be satisfied with that for a while. Next time, I might not be available.

I rewarded "good behavior" by doing a little something extra for him that I knew he would like with regards to the business stuff we still have to contend with. He treated me with respect at the movie, like he once used to... I'll then in kind do something considerate and thoughtful.

Even some family members have said they've noticed a diff in H as of the last few weeks. Shines of the "old" H. One wasn't surprised with the news we went out.... even a few other family members have come out and said they believe me (FINALLLLLLLY!!!!)... that there was no affair on my side.

Baby, baby, baby steps. Tiny, inzizy-winzie baby steps.

*hugs*
Abbey