I posted a few weeks ago about how I found that my wife had a one night stand 6 mos ago. I decided that due to our having already begun to piece our marriage together that I had to forgive her for that mistake. It was devistating to find out. I think if maybe she had told me of it it would have been a bit easier because the truth would have come from her and not by my snooping to find the truth.
Now just last week I discovered a second(actually first affair) that happened while we were still together. It happened a little over a year ago. About 3.5 mos before we seperated. This affair was even more devistating to me because after even a few weeks the pain of the one night stand was beginning to subside. This affair was also discovered through my snooping. After having a long tolk with her about the ONS I asked her to please tell me if there was anything else she needed to come clean about and she said that there wasn't. I discovered old yahoo IM logs on my PC from the time when she lived here and went snooping again. I found a way to read these logs without the password from the yahoo account and much to my dismay discovered 2 guys that she was IMing quite a bit during that VERY low time in our M. As i read further I found that these IMs were only the tip of the iceberg. That she had in fact had a 2 mo affair with one of these men. When confronted about it she still did not admit to it. Only when I read outlaou to her the things that SHE typed to him. Very ilicite things that left nothing to the imagination as to what had happened between them did she admit to it. Her excsue for not telling me was that she didn't want me to find out. That we had been doing so well the last few months and even the last few weeks after my finding out about the ONS. This affair seems worse to me since it was a long term thing. 2 mo is a lot more involved than a ONS. Something physical only happened twice before things started deteriorating and the IMs started getting nasty because he was being a jack ass. She moved on from that and we separated.
I've still made the decision to try and move on from this as well. I told her that I forgive her for it but it will take some time to movecompletly beyond and hopfully forget about it. I think what hurts the most is the lying. I found out about one and she had the perfect oppurtunity to tell me about the other. To get it into the open to try and get past them both. But she chose not to. That scares me because it makes me wonder if there's anything else she keeping from me, in order to protect me. When I decided to move beyond this second discovery I deleted all eveidence of it from my PC. Not wanting to read them again and be reminded of the pain and hurt. I also have made a promise to myself and to her not to keep snooping into things looking for something.
On the peicing front we are still getting along very well. She spent the last 2 weekends at home and went to a family party with me last weekend and a cook out that a friend of mine was having yesterday. She does tell me how sorry she is for even hurting me. She does tell me she loves me and that she knows she's made HUGE mistakes. But that she wouldn't be with me now trying to make our M work if she didn't truly want to. She admits that it will take time for her to be comfortable enough to come home for good. We still have plenty of issues that led us to this point that don't have anything to do with the OGs. I can and do understand that. I've made my efforts at DBing since I picked the book up and showing the things I can do to make our relationship better. The hard part for me is how do I learn to trust again. How do I face the times when I know she's with friends, knowing that that was an excuse she used to get out of the house to have an affair. How do you cope with the day to day worries and fears while learning to trust again. I have to show her that I can trust her again. But it's the hardest thing I've even done. I keep thinking that at any time she could be lying to me and doing something to compromise our M again. Still she is here, she is working, and she is telling me she loves me. Which are all things that didn't happend during the affair.
Sorry for the book but understandibly this has been a very trying week for me.
