So, W came home around 915 last night. She was supposed to be home for dinner but wasn't. Another ride home from daycare with the kids wondering where mommy was and if she'll be home.
So she came home and we talked out on the back deck until the storms came and finished up inside. I wanted to talk about what she said on Saturday and was somewhat delighted that she did too. It turns out that she had been approved for a nice townhouse that is designated for low-income families in a nice neighborhood just a few miles north of where our house is. She is signing the lease today and will be moving stuff out Friday.
So I listened, validated, shared my feelings, listened to hers etc...I told her how happy I am that she found something that she liked. Just in general pleasant conversation until the kids came up. I stood my ground and said that we need to do what is best for the kids to get them comfortable with how things will be in a few weeks etc...We need to smoothly transition them. She agreed but at the same time feels that I am trying to deny them time with her. I also reminded her that we are dealing with two realities; what we want and the legal side. We ended the conversation about her moving out and I agreed to think about what she would like to do with transitioning the kids and told her that I can't agree to anything until my L says okay. Also, she said she will instruct her L to call mine today to get the whole custody/residency ball moving.
After talking about her moving out and coming to agreement about smoothly transitioning things with the kids, I had a good opportunity to do some DBing as we talked about us, her and I. She admitted that I am a completely different person and she has noticed the positive changes that I have made. I probably talked a little too much at that point about some things but I haven't had the opportunity to express my feelings and emotions and she wanted to hear them. I also asked her what could I change about me...and she had to think hard because of all of my changes. She finally came up with me becoming a more empathetic listener. I jokingly said okay but you don't get credit for that as I am already working on that and it is a longer process as I am a man and need to rewire my brain. We also talked about our past, our intimacy (lack thereof), how we communicated in the past, all sorts of things. She also apologized again for allowing herself to become very numb to the marriage, for saying things to mask her pain, and for not outing the problems correctly sooner. She said she needs alone time to really think things through and sort out her problems and issues.
Towards the end of the conversation, the talk was going well enough and we were talking compassionately about things that I took the opportunity to hold her finger with mine. As soon as I did it, she said we are not getting back together. I responded I know that is what you feel and I understand. Now the strange thing is she didn't pull away. I was able to hold her finger for several moments. We also had several moments where we were just looking into each others eyes.
We both agreed that the talk was nice and it was the first time we actually talked, as opposed to telling each other things, in a long long time. We also agreed to talk more tonight and drive by the t/h she'll be renting.
At one point, I actually got the feeling that she understood that the problems are fixable and eventhough there was a lot of drinking early in the R and M, we had plenty of good times together. She even brought up several instances/things we used to do and we both agreed that we allowed ourselves to get into a rut this past year and a half.
So, more DB'ing tonight, if the plans don't change. As I posted in my last post, since she is moving out, my DB approach will need to change slightly to accomodate the sitch.
I am probably leaving out a lot as I only got about 5 hours sleep last night and I am tired this morning. I guess in short, it was positive, good DB'ing on my part, she's still holding some things back and is somewhat scared, but needs the alone time to sort things out. Can't agree with her more, there.
Chris
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
