Completely and utterly devastated--how to cope

[Jen_Jam]

And just to get out my feelings here instead of potentially making a big mistake with H, I really, really want to call or email him.

well done for coming here instead of contacting H - pat on the back time

would have thought he would have some degree of concern about my experience, what the apartment was like, what my roommate was like etc. I heard nothing

A word on expectations - try not to have them. They usually get dashed, almost always in the early days.
And it IS early days. When I said buckle up for the long ride, I REALLY mean it. I thought my sitch would be resolved in a couple of months - HA! Try 2 years (but not all bad, I promise)

I have another instinct which is just to leave the country and give up, and see if posing this idea will make him think twice. I know this isn't the right thing to do, but it is incredibly tempting...

If you want to throw in the towel, I mean if it REALLY what you want to do then do so. But make sure it's what you REALLY do want, and you wouldn't be telling yourself "what if..." a few weeks/months/years down the line. If you can walk away with your hand on your heart saying "I tried everything in my power to save my M and I am at peace with my decision" then fine. But I suspect you wouldn't be.... I wanted to run off many, many times. A wise head here, Saffie, says some days she just wants to put her M on a shelf and ignore it for a while.

This is why focussing on you, taking care of yourself, is THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING you can do right now. Trust me, I have been there.