Really upside down #2

[upside_downer]

Good points Neil. I need to iron out what I want to do. I'm all over the map and she called me out on it today. I told her I felt we should see each other more and talk more. Problem is that when she left, I told her the exact opposite. I told her then that it was her decision to separate so we shouldn't see each other often because what is the point of the separation then?

This sort of thing is what she is referring to when she says I'm not being consistent and she wishes she knew where I was coming from. It's because of this that she feels tense around me. I need to be consistent and be happy to see her (already am, but my fears and anxiety and lack of patience show through instead).

I already talked to her once today. I so want to call her and start this fresh attitude with her, but I should wait. I don't want to seem needy and/or pursuing too heavily (although I think she needs me to pursue a little).

[Neilh23]

What's good is that you recognize that you are flip flopping. Make a decision and stick to it. Just realize and admit that you made a mistake when you did. I believe that's ok to do. I did it yesterday, and it worked well.

did you wait to call her? I would've. Don't get too excited. I want to call my W every nite after we talk when the kids go to bed.....but i haven't yet. only because i don't want to seem pursuing..yet at the same time i want to. it's weird.

HOw did you guys end up together? My W pursued me.....and i think i need to pursue her a bit. SO i would be wary of wanting her to pursue you.....remember your actions will force her to act differently towards you...so maybe pursue her a little...

[upside_downer]

We both work at the same company. I pursued her after we were with a mutual friend at a bar. I just started emailing her and asked her out.

Does that have a bearing on what I should do? Right now, if I don't pursue for a couple of days, she will email me, but it will be very brief. As if to keep a lifeline going is really all it seems.

Not sure what to do....

[Neilh23]

lifeline is good. don't force anything...back off a little bit....remember, the changes we make are for ourselves. if they attract our W's back, so much the better. Smartcookie gave me some good advice on my thread yesterday...check it out

[upside_downer]

I'm a little uptight today. In fact, bad enough that I sent t he W an email this morning asking how she was. Then another when I got the call that our wedding photo album has come in (it took 9 months to complete).

She hadn't answered and hadn't read it (return receipt is a wonderful thing), so I figured maybe she was off. I'm running a fairly tight schedule this week, so I called her because I want to go pick it up as this is really the only night this week I have time. She didn't pick up. So....a little later I texted her. Ugh...now that I look back at it....I pursued way too much.

Anyway...being the way I am today, I'm having a hard time with something. She didn't really take any pictures with her when she moved out, but she told me she does still want the wedding album. I want to ask her, but I'm not going to. Why does she want it??? Anyone else go through something similar? A WAW perspective would be really great here.

[Tink]

Hi My computer just got back online and wanted to see how you are doing. I'm so proud of you that you didn't bite the bait and let her go to the wedding alone without sacrificing your dignity or saying anything you would regret.

As far as the wedding albumn it's great that she wants to have it because then maybe it will bring back some feelings for her.

As far as when she says that you are inconsistent I would suggest saying calmly but honestly, yes I understand my decisions about how to handle this can be inconsistent. I'm doing my best to handle this situation.

Yes my feelings can go from one way to another and again I'm doing my best given this situation to have patience with myself and my feelings.

Yes you may feel uncomfortable having conversations with me. You may be sensing that I don't feel safe being myself with you. If she asks why you can say that to feel safe being ones self you have to feel safe that someone loves you unconditionally as you are, flaws and all, and this is not the situation here.

Tink

[Bworl]

UD,

Glad you can see the inconsistency that your wife talks about.

Ponder the fact that right now it could very well be the uncertainty brought about by your up and down nature that is keeping your wife from engaging more with you.

There are times when conversations with you are safe.

There are times they are not.

You text and email and call.

Then tell her you want to limit contact.

It would confuse me to be honest.

This is definitely something for you to be working on.


Bill

[upside_downer]

Hi My computer just got back online and wanted to see how you are doing. I'm so proud of you that you didn't bite the bait and let her go to the wedding alone without sacrificing your dignity or saying anything you would regret.

What did you mean about not taking the bait and letting her go to the wedding alone without sacrificing my dignity? I feel totally humiliated that, despite that her cousin's H doesn't want me there, neither does she. Then she tries to make it sound like "oh poor me, I'll be there all alone, and that will be uncomfortable, too." That's what I don't get. Be proud that you are bringing your H despite the awkwardness. But that isn't the case....everyone else is more important than me now.

As far as the wedding albumn it's great that she wants to have it because then maybe it will bring back some feelings for her.

This is where my stupid brain kicks in and tries to figure it out. And many times, that is when I start to ask her questions, which then leads down the same path....but still.....WHY would she want to see it? I'm so convinced that there is nothing. I base it on things she said and I know "believe nothing etc...." but her actions meet her words. I'm so scared!!!!

UD,

Glad you can see the inconsistency that your wife talks about.

Ponder the fact that right now it could very well be the uncertainty brought about by your up and down nature that is keeping your wife from engaging more with you.

That is exactly what keeps her from engaging. I just don't know how to break free from it. I guess I try, then get discouraged because she is so short and snippy with me. She shows no interest.

There are times when conversations with you are safe.

There are times they are not.

You text and email and call.

Then tell her you want to limit contact.

It would confuse me to be honest.

This is definitely something for you to be working on.


Bill

That's what I feel, too. This is the biggest and first thing I'm going to work on. I know why I said I wanted to limit contact. My C had said "you should probably only see her and talk to her 1 time a week. It was her decision to move out, and going along with what you read on DB, and not initiating, etc, your best bet is to let her set the tone."

I took it one step further and proclaimed to her that this is what should be happening because she chose it, etc. It was me on a soapbox. She was listening, and analyzing it. That is why she throws these things back at me when I don't expect it.

[Continuing]

Hey, UD

Just wanted to drop by and thank you for giving me some encouragement. It means alot to me.

Looks like you are in the full swing of things and in good hands.

I'm reading along

B

[upside_downer]

Alright. Plan for today is to let my W call me next. I've done enough pursuing and she is acting distant, so time for me to back off.

Had a conversation with my dad over the weekend. W is attending a bridal shower for my cousin's W this weekend at my parents. Everyone is unsure about her reasons. I asked and she said she felt it was the right thing to do.

I've been in this exact sitch before with my XW. She attended a holiday gathering with me, and it was like the "goodbye" to my family. My family seems to think this is the same sitch. No way I could ever know unless I ask and that is not a good idea.