I can't think of a topic that is more emotionally charged than this one.
Most of us on these boards are the LBS. We were the fighters, looking to every resource to try to work things out. I believe that all of us here will do the very same thing when it comes to helping our children through this.
Co-parenting is the goal, but not everyone can jump right into that kind of R with their stbx or x. I am one of those people. Email-only contact is the only way that I can stay healthy right now, and I need to be able to care for my kids. I will work towards co-parenting in the future, but I'm not ready for that.
So, without that, what have I done for the kids?
They each have their own IC, who both x and I have met with and agreed on. They have continued to have a loving relationship with all of their extended family on both sides. They have had numerous other adults in their lives tell them that they can talk with them whenever things are feeling too hard, and mom & dad are just too close to talk to. I found a divorce support group run by age group with social workers, which meets 2x/month. There is an open-phone policy for the kids, and they can call either of us whenever they want. I kept in the back of my mind how kids can sometimes express their feelings of hurt, anger, etc., in indirect ways, so I started reassuring them of my love and dedication to them anytime they needed redirection or discipline. NEVER talk badly about the x; the old, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." Don't use the kids as messengers--email, text, call yourself. Keep things between estranged spouse and you business-like. Don't hide all emotions from the kids--its ok for them to see you cry, and they are watching to see how this should be handled--model your coping skills. Help them GAL, too. Cut them some slack early on in the sitch--if you have a hard time concentrating at work, can you imagine having this upheavel in your life while you are trying to learn algebra?! You may have to help more with their organization, maybe tutoring for hard classes. TALK WITH their teachers and guidance counselors. These people are with your kids more time than with you in most cases. What insights can they give you, what resources can they point out to you?
With all that said, I still think my kids are only getting second-best. The best outcome in any sitch would be for both adults to buckle down and do the work required to save the M. M is the best place to raise kids; its not fair to the kids for either adult to put selfish needs above theirs, and that is really what happens here. But as frustrating as it is, some divorces cannot be stopped. So we take that second-best start and work twice as hard to bring it back up to even the playing field.
I still worry about the standards that this sets, the example that my kids will see from my WAS. But they will also have mine, and I will do everything I can to show them that there is another way, another path available to them, if they ever find themselves in a R that could be better.
