Completely and utterly devastated--how to cope

[istherehope]

Thanks MsLadybug and JenJam,

I know my situation probably sounds better than some others, i.e. no OW, agreement to go to marriage counseling etc. I guess what stings the most here is that H has always been the most affectionate man I had ever met. He was always saying he loved me, singing little songs to me about how he loved me, holding my hand, telling me how wonderful I was etc. This is all gone now. I just keep thinking that he was so incredibly unhappy with everything, and now he will be happier, and he will not see how I can fit into his new and improved life. Does anyone have any ideas how to make sure that someone can see you as a source of happiness even when you weren't in the past?

[istherehope]

And just to get out my feelings here instead of potentially making a big mistake with H, I really, really want to call or email him. Last night was the first night that I stayed away, other than on business trips, and I would have thought he would have some degree of concern about my experience, what the apartment was like, what my roommate was like etc. I heard nothing. Every moment that we are away he seems to get more and more distant, I thought it would work the other way! I just feel like I am sacrificing so much, i.e. being the one to move out of our comfortable house, agreeing to the separation even though I don't know what his intended outcome is, and keeping my distance. He can't see anything now except for what he needs, or thinks he needs. He has said that he wants to miss me, and so he needs the space. He wants an "active relationship" but doesn't even want me to be his girlfriend. He is not wearing his wedding ring anymore, and pretty much all of his coworkers know about this. I think he is going to get loads of advice about how he should just leave me if he is so unhappy...

I am just not getting better, and my instinct is really to escape, to go somewhere else for a few days. I have another instinct which is just to leave the country and give up, and see if posing this idea will make him think twice. I know this isn't the right thing to do, but it is incredibly tempting...

[Jen_Jam]

Does anyone have any ideas how to make sure that someone can see you as a source of happiness even when you weren't in the past?

Yes. Be attractive. Be light and happy. People are attracted to those who are happy, fun to be around, people see others having a good time and they want to be part of that.

So - to attract someone, work on you. (sorry if I sound like a broken record here). H wants his space, you've given him that. Now your focus is purely on you.

[Jen_Jam]

And just to get out my feelings here instead of potentially making a big mistake with H, I really, really want to call or email him.

well done for coming here instead of contacting H - pat on the back time

would have thought he would have some degree of concern about my experience, what the apartment was like, what my roommate was like etc. I heard nothing

A word on expectations - try not to have them. They usually get dashed, almost always in the early days.
And it IS early days. When I said buckle up for the long ride, I REALLY mean it. I thought my sitch would be resolved in a couple of months - HA! Try 2 years (but not all bad, I promise)

I have another instinct which is just to leave the country and give up, and see if posing this idea will make him think twice. I know this isn't the right thing to do, but it is incredibly tempting...

If you want to throw in the towel, I mean if it REALLY what you want to do then do so. But make sure it's what you REALLY do want, and you wouldn't be telling yourself "what if..." a few weeks/months/years down the line. If you can walk away with your hand on your heart saying "I tried everything in my power to save my M and I am at peace with my decision" then fine. But I suspect you wouldn't be.... I wanted to run off many, many times. A wise head here, Saffie, says some days she just wants to put her M on a shelf and ignore it for a while.

This is why focussing on you, taking care of yourself, is THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING you can do right now. Trust me, I have been there.

[istherehope]

Thanks JenJam,

I know that our situations are/were very similar, so I always really value your input. I know I am a strong person, I do, but it's mostly the fact that I am not going to get to see H very much that is disturbing me, as I will not be able to demonstrate being this happy, light person. I just think this separation is a big mistake, and is going to make things even worse than they are now. Of course this is the last thing I can say to him...

I know that your situation took quite some time to get resolved, but were there times along the way where your H actually showed that he missed you, actually reached out to you and seemed like the person you'd fallen in love with originally?

Also--did you talk to a DB coach or did you just use the book?

ITH

[istherehope]

Oh,

He just im'd me:

I am so overanalyzing, but any thoughts on the conversation? I tried to keep it light, and show that I was doing things on my own.

H
how are you
Me:doing well--I went to boot camp last night
on the beach
how are you?
H: what is boot camp
H: ohh your work out gym thing
H: i am fine
Me: yes, really hard
Me: I am so sore
Me: how are the pets?
H:good
H:ok i am filling out my license application
Me:ok will let you get to it
H:see ya gator

[istherehope]

OK just to follow up on my GAL activities...today I went for a long walk on the beach with a coworker after work, and she let me talk about the situation for the entire time. I wasn't negative about it, just expressed my feelings and concerns, and this felt very good. For maybe 10 minutes we talked about something else, and I felt mildly better. As I'm pretty much on the brink of tears all of the time now, this was a big step.

I'm still in the panic mode though, and can only see things in terms of periods of emptiness. This weekend will be my first weekend away from the house, and it kills me that H will be sitting comfortably in our house with our pets while I am trying to occupy myself in a sparsely furnished apartment instead of relaxing on our furniture with our things. It feels so unnatural not to get on the train and go to my house...I can only hope that the house feels empty to him without me.

[LolaL]

ITH: I feel your pain. I left the house too, and my H is now sitting in an empty house with no furniture while I am in a little apartment.

One piece of advice, don't stay indoors. The first several months I was gone, I stayed indoors, in my room, and did not come out. It made it very hard to get motivated. I am now starting too, but the sooner you get out and do for you, the better you will feel. Sounds like you have already started doing some great GAL'ing...

[istherehope]

Hi LolaL,

How do you deal with the weekends? This is the biggest hurdle for me I think, and I just really can't imagine a weekend without H to come home to. Did you stay indoors through the weekends too?

ITH

[Jen_Jam]

Hi ITS - just to say that IM convo looked good - well done and also on going out for a walk ... good too. I agree with Lola as well - get out and about. The weather's lovely right now

were there times along the way where your H actually showed that he missed you, actually reached out to you and seemed like the person you'd fallen in love with originally?

There were times when he appeared to be enjoying my company, we were getting on great as friends, then back at Relate (MC in the UK, personally I don't recommend them) he'd be all "my feelings havent' changed". Sigh I had to rely heavily on myself and my friends. Hugs from friends helped, i hugged myself a lot too. Sounds nuts but it helped.

did you talk to a DB coach or did you just use the book?

No coach, my toolset was:
The DR book - kept by me like a bible! Kept reading, re-reading etc
These boards. Had my team of gurus to hand. These are not people I have ever met, but if and when I do it will be like we've always known each other
My diary - I'm a real spreadsheets person. Action plans, goals, tolerances. I don't work as a Project manager but I do some PM at work. I prefer writing to talking too (I would rather email than phone). So my diary helped because I poured it all out in writing. My feelings, my plans, sometimes I wrote in the second person, as if I was telling myself what to do.

We did have some MC, as aformentioned. It helped H to feel more secure, so that he could talk without me flying off the handle (I'm a firey redhead) so at least I got him to open up a little, but the best was still the DR book.

PS If you want, I'll post to you links to my threads ... I don't want to make out I'm some kind of shining example, I don't want to appear big headed or anything like that, oh no. just ... if you can face trawling through all the posts, if you feel it may help I'll gladly share. I know how painful this feels, and yes there are similarities. If I can help, I will. My bomb was like having my still beating heart ripped out of my chest. If I can help someone get over that even just one week quicker than I did then I will.