My x gave me a laundry list of all the things I did "wrong," so I quickly went about making changes. That just pissed him off! saying, "why couldn't you have done this earlier?! You should have KNOWN what I wanted without me having to say anything!! I knew you loved me, but you had a funny way of showing it." Now, I was the w he always wanted (the changes were not a big deal; it was trivial bullsh!t), so I blew his validation for having the undisclosed affair!
They don't do any internal work, so they really don't know why they are drawn to OP, so they guess it must be our fault. If they are unhappy, they look around at the biggest connection in their lives (us) and say, Oh, this must be why I am unhappy!!
I think you read me wrong. I take responsibility for the part of the marriage that I had control over. This is not something that I obsess over or anything like that. I just know that I played a part in what my X perceived what was wrong. It was his opinion and I can at least see his point. It's the 2 story thing.
In no way do I take any responsibility for what ended up happening in our marriage. I do not in any way take responsibility for what he did. That was him trying to get a little. That was him making excuses to do just that. It was his way of justifying what he did and in reality there was no justification for it.
What I was trying to say is that in every marriage, we can become a bit complacent and not keep things, I don't know, "full force" maybe? I settled in. I loved being married. But I had a job, and kids, and baseball practice, and laundry, and the house to keep, and bills to pay, and all that stuff that's really normal. And I did not pay enough attention to my X. If I had paid a bit more attention (yeah in my free time - which was nil) but if I had paid a little more, maybe I would have seen the brick heading towards my head. I remember begging him to help me out with the day to day things. I remember he would not. I'm not talking about him really, I'm talking about me. If I could go back, I would have insisted that he help me. But if I really look back, I did that. He refused. So in reality, with him I had no choice.
I want to end up learning something from all of this. I feel as if I should because it was a devastating part of my life. I can't change what he did, but I can change my own behavior. So if nothing else, I think I should pay a little more attention to what I need. I will never again in my life allow someone to beat me down and force me into servitude like that. I should not get so wrapped up in being busy to where I don't stop and make that person I love feel special, whether he tells me he needs it or not. But on the other hand, I will not allow my life to get to that point because I'm in control of it. I will never again feel as if I have to prove my love someone by doing everything to the point of exhaustion. Been there, done that.
I was only saying that I heard what he said. Right or wrong, I want to be cognizant of that with people.
That's where I feel as if DB did make me a better person. I think we all need to look inside ourselves sometimes because of course we're not perfect. But if we can make ourselves a little better - something good came from all of this.
If you were working, doing the little league, keeping the house, paying the bills, what the hell was he doing? My W. did all that stuff too, but I did the sports events and the outside stuff. LIFE GETS IN THE WAY when you work, have kids and try to keep everyone happy. Sometimes the "getting swept off their feet", "filling love tanks", "knocking my socks off" gets relegated to earning a living, TCB, and the kids. welcome to life. Still...not enough to destry a family.
Believe me FL, I agree with you. When you have kids, you take care of them. When Mr X Happy had them, I did. And everything else.
Oh, and he was golfing and fooling around while I was doing that. I've heard his golf game was just awesome!
On a side note, when I had the boys' graduation party at the end of May, my son took his cousins over Mr X Happy's so they could go swimming in the lake. My niece told me the house was filthy and it didn't look like the same place. I think her word was disgusting.
How's his golf game now? Sounds like he may have used his putter a little too much.
I could never understand playing golf. It takes you away from your family for four hours every Saturday/Sunday. Just me.
I refuse to let my apartment become that kind of pig sty. It's tough enough to be alone after 20 years of marriage. I refuse to live in squalor. I lived in some guy's garage apartment before I deployed. It was so depressing, I vowed never to do that again. I have come full circle in not being a victim if I can help it. How are you doing these days, H? It's been a while since your D. It seems like life might be better.
Happy: I could have written the same thing as you. In fact - I just wrote similar on my own thread. I took care of everything and he golfed and fooled around. Golf was his life. It was his EVERYTHING! He would even tease that he would not be there for the birth of the kids because he'd be out on the course. Of course he was teasing - but he always said things like that.
Ex was good at golf. He won tournaments. During the month we split, I talked to one of his buds, in his league. He said he didn't know what happened. Ex couldn't golf worth a damn. Ended up throwing the clubs and annuncing he had marital problems. And friend said maggot had driven him to the club that day and he had seen her. Ex was quick to assure him "she's just a friend". Friend said "I hadn't even asked".
Chuck apparently quit golf the next year. Said he couldn't afford it. Of course - he had no licence either. Then he started doing couples tournaments with maggot who had never golfed before. I know what that is like. I HATED golfing with him because I wasn't good enough. Last I heard he'd given it up again because ya know - maggot won't let him do anything without her. LOL!
Four hours!!! He was NEVER gone four hours - 6 to 8 at a minimum. See below.
It's a funny story (now but not then), but the weekend after I caught him talking on the phone to his "just a friend who happens to be a girl" I asked my daughter to stay with the boys on Sunday after I knew he had to be done golfing so I could drive to the golf course and talk to him without the boys being around.
When I got there, I saw his truck and knew he was in the clubhouse. So I went in to talk. They have these private rooms there - fairly large - where guys play cards or whatever. I opened one door and no X, I opened another door, and there he was sitting at a table - with her. Other tables were full of people and I just walked back out, got into my car and drove home. I was devastated not only because it was proof of him and her, but because he thought so little of me that he would see her out in the open like that.
Being a victim FL is self-defeating. I was for a long time after that day, but I no longer am. I vowed to never be that naive again.
And thanks for asking how I am. I am very well. I had a long day out of town but am back home now. I don't think I've ever been better than I am right now FL. I no longer live with and love someone who cared so little for me. My kids are finally happy again. I'm finally happy again. I have a SO who I still keep at arms length because of the X, but it's what I want and he's a patient guy. So life is good.
So you were a golf widow too. I have no idea what happened to X's golf game after the D and I don't care to know. My X won tournaments too and people told me his drive was one of the best they'd ever seen. Although FL thinks he putted well, that's where he was very, very weak.
Oh and you think it was bad for maggot to golf with him? I've always heard and my X has confirmed it that the worst torture in the world for a good golfer was to have to golf with bad ones. Torture I tell ya. There were good friends of his who he would absolutely not golf with because they weren't good enough golfers. So if he had to golf with her, now THAT'S karma. And that's probably the reason he had to stop golfing. No, THAT is karma!
I think it ought to be written into every marriage license, and have it signed and notarized, that if your spouse tells you someone is "just a friend", that means with absolute certainty that they are having an affair with that person.
