Ann, I know the men will not understand where we WAW's or almost WAW's that had an on line EA are coming from when this is said. I agree with smartcookie. Due to the immaturity of your H and as rocky as things are right now......I am afraid that it would add gas to the fire. When H's don't behave as though they have truly forgiven the W, then it is my belief that they will jump on the idea that you did something to encourage the OM. Then he will use that as an excuse to want a D.
I know that a lot of LBS, especially, will jump on this with both feet and say that we are telling you to lie to your H, etc. That is not where I'm coming from and I don't think SC is either. What would worry me is how are people able to get a cell number???
I remember one of the people that helped me the most when I first came on board, and at that time was still contacting my OM, told me that after I stopped contact that he may try it again later after he had gone through his other sources of women on line. She made me realize that I was his drug of choice and when he couldn't find it anywhere else, he would come back to see if I was interested. I did not want to believe her b/c I was so convinced my OM was different. (Yeah, right!)
So, it sounds to me that this is what has happened in your case. I agree that if you totally ignore it, that he will give up. I know you won't respond to OM, and he will know that you aren't interested anymore......and I think you are having too many problems with your H for him to handle this right now. Sorry if others think this is beging deceptive.........and if the MR was as strong as it needs to be to handle this, then I would say, yes go to H and tell him. But, he seems to be looking for an excuse to D you.
If the OM calls you back or contacts you at your place of work....then you may have no choice but to go to your H and tell him that OM is pursuing you and you had nothing to do with it. I don't know how far this OM would push it. If he is the "stalker" type, then I would not allow him any more room after this first attempt to reach you.
Does anyone know how one gets a cell phone number? I thought you had to give it out. That is scary.
Just a word to you any men that have been giving Ann a hard time. I know this is your way of trying to "help" her, but some of you gave me the same hard time, and I can tell you that you need to back off! She is a very young, hard working mother and wife that has an immature H, and is trying to hold down a job along with raising her kids and doing everything a SAHM would have to do at night. Unless you have gone through that personally, then I suggest you be a little more gentle and supporting with words of encouragement. I know when I was constantly being told that I was acting like a victum and that I was just giving more excuses.......I had had it! I did not want any more contact with the posters that was giving me that daily crap. She doesn't need that. It is easy for you to sit and tell somebody how to do everything you think they shoulc be doing, but you are not walking in her shoes and you do not have the sheer exhaustion that she does. Back off of her if you can't encourage her. And....giving a list of asignments is not encouragement. I will tell you as a women that did the same thing......you may be talking from the POV as a LBS, but you don't know what we are going through either. To tell us that we are not trying hard enough and that we are just giving excuses......that is BS. Just staying in the M with a man that acts like our H's act is hard enough, so get off your high horses. Oh yeah, you feel better when you can put the WW down, don't you? You think you are helping.....well, you aren't. You know why? B/c I found out the hard way that no matter what we WW's do or how hard we try.....you will always find fault with us. We will never be able to do what you think is good enough. I think some want us to pay for what we did for the rest of our lives. I know all LBS on the board are not that way........thank God! But there a some that doesn't know when to let up on a person! Everytime she tries to "explain" or give a "reason"....it's an excuse!
Well, Ann, honey.....I got the same treatment, so don't let it get you down. When you get enough of this stuff, tell anyone that you don't want to post to you to leave you alone. Nobody, but nobody knows how it is for a WW to come here and face the LBS, and for us to try to do what we know is right and to try to make a bad M better while our H's lay on their backsides.
Anyway, Ann, you know I understand and don't let these guys get to punching you out too much before you call in the troops. Some people have all the answers to YOUR M problems, but can't fix their own.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
