Divorce and Children

[Lissie]

Sg.

You know I am happy that you started a thread of Divorce and Children.

I have to say that the number one priority on most on this board that is a parent is their children.

It isn't ok. They aren't ok.

This statement hurts very much to read. I feel like they will get to ok or better.

They miss family meals. They miss the holidays. They miss weekends. They miss bedtime. They grieve. They 'hide' it sometimes.

They miss the "old" routine, yes, but you can fill their hearts and love with a new routine. I am not saying it will be the same no, but it will be yours with your children.

Let them help YOU in making a routine, somthing they have always wanted to try.

Let them grieve with you when they want to grieve on a day when they just want to remember the old times, and nothing new has to be done that day. That day can just be a day of remembering and laughing, and grieving.

Our childrens future, much like ours, will be as good as we allow it to be.

Thank you Bill, Yes I agree with you 100 percent!

This thread, maybe should of been put on the Divorced forum, also

I would like to see what those wonderful parents have to say over there, that have been divorced for a while.

I am not saying getting a divorce is not going to way heavy on them. I am not saying that this is NOT a traumatic pain
yes, but most of us didn't have a choice.


And I think that most of us are ready to do it ALL and that task, that big heavy holy cow task, will be taken by us. Especially b/c most of us didnt' have a choice, and we fought for our marriges, how can we not fight for our kids?


But I am saying that this

Many don't 'thrive'. They merely 'survive'

Feels disrespectful to me as a mom that puts them first in all that I do.

My family and I could not find a divorced care group for my children in my area, so we were able to locate wonderful people, work togther and start one in their school. B/c people on THIS forum pointed me towards a divorced care link, and people in this forum helped me see how it has helped them. Slowly but surely.

My kids still hurt, yes, it has been 6 months since the divorce, It is still fresh, and new. I see them better, the pastor at church sees them better, My family sees them better. WE all HAVE a LONG way to go, I am sure it will be hard work everyday, but if that is what it takes, then so be it.

The parents here, all their, babies deserve and will get 100 percent of mom/dad time and family time, and grandparents and aunts and uncles or whoever they have.

I think that just b/c you said they don't thrive, I will be out to prove the statement wrong.

My X has taken away to many things so many. I refuse for him to take a way the ability for my children to thrive. I refuse it.



Oh yes I think that most here try to be cordial with their ex's and throw their own pissed offness out of the window when it comes to their children.

I think that most of the peeps, shut it, when it comes to the well being of their kids. Mrs H, how is that tongue? painful. Yes b/c she shuts it b/c of her beautiful boys, which I have met and they played and smiled and were very loving and caring.

I have been on the phone with some men and women from this forum that I have heard cry b/c of what their STBX or X have done in regards to their children, and it makes them fight and work even harder for their children.

The children see this, they know, they feel a certain safety.

This thread has me in tears this morning, b/c I will not allow this divorce crap to be the be all to end all of my children's life or mine for that matter.

Unfortunately...what kids need to see most for their security....lifelong commitment

WE have a commitment to children. They will always know it.



They put themselves last, in order for their children to still have a "normal" life.

We may not always get it right, and we may mess it up here and there, but damn it, the bottom line here is that these parents are going to want to raise their children, so much BETTER b/c of all of this.

I have heard children, of these LBS brag about their parents, I have met Althea's son. His face, his goals his dreams he told them to me , with a passion and a thriving look on his face. He smiled and juggled for us. He is a child of divorce. He will thrive, her 4 children will thrive. I met Tawny Ian's daughter, and that kid has been thru alot with here mom. Her smile, the love and respect she has for her dad, that will insure that she is going to thrive. They may have stumbling blocks along the way, but their parents will not get TIRED of getting them back up, and dusting them off, and saying hey let's try again.

Bill and Deb, their children, and how much they have sacrificed, even after getting married, b/c they want to do the BEST for their children. More children that are going to thrive.

Yes not all parents But most of the parents here I know do.


They are the LBS. They are the ones that have that care and nurturing and involvement.

We want to be heros to our children, b/c we HATE that this has happend to them.

So instead of sitting at home hurting about it, which will really make it so much harder for our children to get healthy, we are doing whatever it takes to get our children to better than ok.

By talking, by therapy, by church, by prayer by learning from each other. I call these people when I am like OMG what do i do? Never once have any of them have ever said to me, Oh Lis, tell them X is a jerk and they deserve better.

And these are peeps that their X's are JERKS.

No they have told me ok, try this and this. Let them know their dad loves them so much. etc etc.

I feel like after I read this, it gives a message children are going to be marked to be doomed b/c they are children of divorce.

I swear not my kids.

What WILL prove well is good will towards your EX.....not just in words....and if you can do that....maybe you can work it out with your spouse.

I will be friendly, and cordial, and bite my tongue so much. I will go out of my way, and take it all. I will put my children's needs first. I will be there for them every step of the way, but just because I am being nice to the X does not mean things are going to work out. Sometimes we even talk like best friends. Still not going to work out.

Divorce is NOT the death of your life.

I have seen to many here thrive for me to know this.

I have seen spoken to and have relied on the help of my church and peers to know that divorce does not have to be the death of your life, therefore it will not be the death of my children's life, or mine for that matter. I will see to it.

If anythying this divorce is going to make them so much stronger, wiser and committed b/c of the pain they go through. They will even have a clearer picture of what is right and what is wrong. I told my X to his face, the cycle stops with my son, and i mean it. With the help of God and he will not abandon us. This divorce will NOT be the be all to end all of them.

I get very emotional when it comes to the well being of my chidren, I am very biased about how they are brilliant and strong, and have taught ME so much thru out all of this.

I also know the pain. I know it very well, I have their journals all of them. But through those journals I can also see how far they have come, inch by inch. They will continue to go far.


I am also very aware about the times in the very beginning when they cried themsleves to sleep b/c papi was not home.

I HELD them and ROCKED them and I did not sleep, just as so many here have been awake many nights talking and holding and praying.

Those children, being held, and rocked and prayed for, those children, are going to also thrive.

Their parents will see to it.


It is bad enough that the peeople on this board are scared and hurt and feel just so horrible b/c their spouses have left them. Their spouses are acting crazy, mean, or just have vanished.

That is hard enough, but if people on this board are going to be divorced, some day, they have to know that they will make it if they choose to. We have to turn their fear and worry into tools for survival.

Many people on this forum do not have a choice!

The divorce has been pushed down their throats! If that is the case, then how can we give such little hope for their future and the future of their kids?