Help me Act AS IF, Part 7: The Separation

[newnamenewlife]

Today H left a phone message for me, asking if I'd called our mediator to set up a new appt. (See above--I cancelled our most recent mediator appt after H&I had a huge fight last week that left me feeling very wounded.)

So now it's up to me to restart the mediation process--but I am feeling so angry and upset by H lately that I can't stand the idea of sitting with him and cooperating--even though I know we have to do the kid scheduling/money stuff eventually.

What I want of course, is for H to completely take back the things he's said--the IDLYA, the implication that he's been unhappy with me since before D11 was conceived, the "living a lie" concept. I know that's not going to happen--but I feel like I can't give in and let him have his way right now either, even though it's childish of me. So I'm at a standstill. I know it bugs him that I'm now in charge of when or if we restart mediation, and that is satisfying too (pathetic as it is.) I have felt so powerless in all this that any wee bit of power feels great.

I have been socializing a lot with friends, working, cleaning, gardening, exercising, trying to diet (not good at that--why don't I lose my appetite, darn it?) and feeling good and centered much of the time. But still I am trying to right myself when it comes to H and my understanding of our 20 year R vs his. It's still so upsetting and infuriating and I'm not sure what to do.

[newnamenewlife]

This whole thing is just endlessly confusing. H called me this morning to discuss when we could see the mediator again. I told him I was very upset by our conversation the other night and terribly hurt by his comment that the first thing he did to save our marriage was have D11. He said "Oh, I was joking." Yeah, right. It sure didn't sound that way when he said it on Wed night. And what kind of joke is that anyway?

So then we chatted for a long time about the girls, plans, etc. It was totally friendly and even enjoyable to talk with H like that because we ARE friends still, when I can let go of my hurt/anger.The problem is that I get seduced by his chattiness and we start joking around with each other and then I start thinking (to myself) that we clearly belong together and then I realize all over again that he never wants to get back together with me and then I start feeling bad and hurt and confused--it's a vicious, very exhausting cycle.

At one point, we were talking about how maybe we'd all go out for dinner on Fri night, when D11 comes home from sleepaway camp. I also agreed to go back to the mediator since we have to sort out financial stuff anyway.

I don't know which way to go--to keep my wounded pride/anger to myself and stay in the friendly, cooperative, chatty zone with H, or to do more of the LRT approach and only interact with him when I have to.

[girlfromipanema]

He said "Oh, I was joking." Yeah, right. It sure didn't sound that way when he said it on Wed night. And what kind of joke is that anyway?

Maybe he meant to say he said it in anger... because "I was joking" is INSANE.

I don't know which way to go--to keep my wounded pride/anger to myself and stay in the friendly, cooperative, chatty zone with H, or to do more of the LRT approach and only interact with him when I have to.

Accepting what is happening to our lives as we knew them is a very difficult process. I'm better some days than others. A DB friend sent me a link to an article I found helpful. Maybe you'll find it helpful as well:

http://home.att.net/~velvet-hammer/makeitwork.html

Thinking of you, lmg.

[K41]

Hey lovemyguy.

I am so sorry for all of the pain you are going through... take care of yourself. Others understand and feel your pain... I have read enough posts now to know that you, that we, are not alone. The saddest thing is the grass is not greener and ending a relationship is not the solution... he just doesn't know or see that right now. Maybe he will one day, maybe he won't. I'm just sad that you have to hurt like this. Hang in there.

[newnamenewlife]

The saddest thing is the grass is not greener and ending a relationship is not the solution... he just doesn't know or see that right now.

Unfortunately, the grass is greener for my H and ending the R was the solution for him. He desperately wanted out and that is what he got and I believe he is happier living "truthfully," as he put it. It's awful to think he may never have a "What the heck was I thinking?" moment. I doubt he will. It's not his way. It's just so hard to have to swallow the reality--that leaving ME was exactly what he needed to make his life better. Horrible.

I've actually been handling things pretty well--have been busy, going out with friends, daydreaming about dating (though how I'll ever really pull that one off is a mystery.)

Right now, however, I feel very sad (often I come here when I feel at my lowest.) H just picked up the Ds and took them to visit friends of ours who live in a beach community. The connection is through H (he went to college with the H in that family) but for 20 years I've been friends with them too.

H called earlier to tell me to pack certain things for the girls. I said "OK. What should I pack for myself?" It was dumb and needy of me, and I regretted it right after I said it, but I feel so left out of the family fun. I feel so rejected by all of them. On top of it, my Ds were thrilled to see H, thrilled to be visiting the friends at the beach, and D7 ran out without kissing me goodbye. H told her to come back and say goodbye to me.

As I've mentioned before, my Ds seem MORE THAN FINE with the S in general. After all my pre-separation anxiety about how awful it would be for them, it turns out they LIKE it this way. Even though (as I've also said before), I don't want them to suffer, it just feels like another slap in the face, like H did the right thing and there are no consequences for him to face.

In fact, the other day D11 was asking me how we'd do Xmas this year. I said maybe we could have Xmas morning together and she said "No, that would be weird." Anytime H&I suggest doing something as a family, she doesn't want that. I thought kids wanted their parents to get back together? We didn't even fight, H&I, so it's not like the house was so tense before H left.

[newnamenewlife]

bump^

[girlfromipanema]

Strange that your girls are adjusting so easily when you've had such a happy home life previously...

I'm worried about you being "stuck." What can we do to get you moving forward? I know you're hanging with friends and already have a life, and I think it's great that you're daydreaming about dating. Maybe your posts sound more tortured than you really are because you only visit when you're feeling your lowest? I'm just worried about you, sweetie.

Here's a quote I received via email today. Hoping it helps a teeny tiny bit:

"You can be happy right here, not tomorrow, not in ten minutes, but now. You can be happy right now.

Byron Katie said that, and she is right. Happiness is allowing yourself to be okay with what is, rather than wishing for, and bemoaning, what is not.

Obviously, what is is what is supposed to be, or it would not be. The rest is just you, arguing with life.

Somewhere along the way you will have to learn to just Trust Life."

Take care, lmg. Know you are loved and cared for.

[newnamenewlife]

Thanks, imp. I appreciate your wisdom and concern.

I do tend to post here when I hit a low. I post less frequently because I hit those lows less often, thank goodness!

I find I am happy, or at least enjoying life, a lot of the time, actually. I also have some interesting work right now. Sometimes it scares me, kind of the way you can feel guilty enjoying life after someone has died--like how can I allow myself to feel happy? I guess it's part of letting go--when I'm suddenly aware that I am detaching more, it freaks me out a little because I've been so attached to this drama with H.

Not obsessing about it means finally moving toward letting go of my M. As much as I know I have to and I should, it's still upsetting. The girls seem to be moving on, H has certainly moved on and I'm the one left holding on to a shred of hope, to the past, to memories. It seems like I'm the only one who has NOTICED that a 19 year R and a family life has ended. It makes me feel like I imagined my whole M sometimes, that none of it was real (but I can't even think of looking at photos. That terrifies me. I don't know what to do with the zillions of photos documenting what I thought were happy years together.)

Taking off my wedding ring, which I did a couple of weeks ago, was a huge step for me (prompted by seeing H's naked ring finger). It felt good and it feels right to not be wearing it now. It's the gradual realization that all this is going to be permanent that knocks me out sometimes and makes me go back to ruminating.

And I still don't understand what happened to my H and my M--I go over and over it, hoping that maybe if I do, I will hit the jackpot and finally get it. I'll probably never really have more answers or a better understanding of how this happened, though.

[newnamenewlife]

Back here at another low point (note, however, that it has been several days since my last post and this is not my state of mind most of the time.)

I'm feeling sad and lonely tonight and have been crying, which I don't do very much anymore. H came to pick up the girls for the next three nights and it felt awful. I kept my composure (as I always do), but I could barely look him in the eye. He looked tanned and handsome and that made it all worse. He said "enjoy your weekend" to me as he left and that made it worse still. I feel so rejected and left out and like I have no effect on him at all--and I never will again. He seems to be able to rise above it all and wish me well, completely without longing for me.

Then I watched some TV and was remembering all the TV shows H&I enjoyed together over the years and how fun and comforting and perfect it was to sit together on the sofa and watch certain shows that we both enjoyed. Again, I felt sick with sadness and loneliness and that awful broken-heartedness. When and how did H become so immune to me and my charms? What did I do that made him so angry and so completely convinced he had to leave? How could he have told me so many times how much he loved me and then look at me coldly and say IDLYA??

There's this feeling, too, that after 19 years together, we never really said goodbye. We had the months of weirdness, when he refused to touch me or go out alone with me, and then he got an apt and left a few days after we told the girls. There was no long, teary hug or dramatic farewell--just months of hurt and then he was gone. I keep feeling like I'm waiting for him to say or do something to formally recognize the end of our R. I know it won't happen--H seems afraid of me and only wants to interact on a business-like level--but he always made such a fuss over me on birthdays and anniversaries and Xmas, that I feel like I deserve something--a huge, heartfelt apology, I don't know. Something that would give me a sense of closure.

Does he miss me at ALL? Does he feel any guilt, regret, remorse, shame, anything about how he's treated me? He seems so indifferent, so much like he's getting on with his life and hasn't looked back for one minute. I feel so alone, so alienated from this person who I was joined at the hip with for so long. It kills sometimes. The other day, I was with friends and I jokingly referred to him as my "late husband," because that's how it feels--like he's completely dead.

Yesterday I went out with friends to a concert in the park and there was a single man in the group who was my age. It wasn't a fix-up, but I found myself so
UNattracted to this guy and that made me feel hopeless about ever finding another love because I will always compare men to H. He wasn't perfect, and in the end he treated me badly--but he was still the smartest, funniest--and for most of the time, the kindest--person I've ever known. I miss him.

[girlfromipanema]

((((((((lmg)))))))))

I think I read somewhere to expect a month per year of the relationship to feel a sense of healing. In your case, that would be a year and a half before you stop mourning your loss completely. But, I know you will feel whole again. You're still a young woman and you will feel the love of someone you are attracted to again. Keep on keepin' on. You're in my thoughts.