hi Julia- if you have tried to help him in every way imaginable- i would say talking about it or trying to offer help at this point is more of the same...
im pretty sure he knows your feelings about this right? your concerns? you have told him all this or not?
if you have- he has a lot to work out on his own and this is part of whats going on...it is very overwhelming and he is participating in self destructive behavior...
has he brought this up to you again or recently?
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
I agree with Pisces, that the work to figure out this problem has to be on his own.
I think you could still show him friendly concern, and ask him how he's doing with it the next time you sit down and have a conversation, though. Can you keep it light "how's your health?" and your own fears for him out of the conversation (i.e. nagging, or whatever he felt you did before)?
But despite what you talk to him about, I think it's important to understand where he's at for your own sake. Not so you worry about him, but so you can deal with the place that he's in and DB to that place. From your earlier posts I couldn't quite get where his head was at. Now I think it's coming clearer. You guys have been through a lot. I don't see him so much as disengaged from you anymore as seriously trying to keep his head above water with his own issues--I think that's a big difference.
Dark and dim, or other techniques may not work for you & me the way it should because our H's are in this I-don't-know-what-to-call-it space. I think P has had the right approach being a super-supportive friend. I look at her and I'm like, "I've seen the promised land!" Now, we just gotta figure out how to get there...
Pisces, do you remember how you FIRST made the transition from H blaming you and running away to your first stab at real friendship and QT? I know you built it with acceptance and validation from there, but how did you cross that first gulf?
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
I was right, I have CD too. I'm working on some stuff for you; what to say, how to articulate it. I was diagnosed 10 yrs ago (wow, was it that long ago?...); its something I rarely talk about but, believe me when I say its always lurking somewhere in my mind.
Do you have any specific questions? If not, I will try for some general thoughts about what I have experienced.
B
My Story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1512790&page=1#Post1512790
Lola - I'm really sorry I missed your post. I'm sorry that your h was diagnosed with that what is the impact on you and what does it mean for him?
JWS - I don't understand the ground hogs you may have to explain. Can I have a pet ground hog? That link Lost posted was so cute!
Pisces - I have tried everything I can think of and have since given up talking about it or trying really. I'm not sure which one is more of the same. We haven't talked about it for about 4 months now. H knows my feelings and concerns but I think takes it as me trying to control him. He hasn't brought it up except to use being ill with not having his vitamin injection as an excuse not to see me. Not so much an excuse, he was suffering but if he'd gone sooner as he was supposed to... I sound like a nag I'd say hopefully he learnt his lesson but he didn't. I'm also really interested in Lost's questions...
Lost - I'm confused as to whether he thinks about the Chron's and the issues that go along with it or not. He did say to me once that he felt it had ruined everything but that was at Christmas when he really opened up to me. He blocked it out again after that and I haven't heard anything more. In a way he is forcing me to stay in the dark. I really want to help but now I can't if he won't let me.
Continuing - I'd love for you to give me any general information and then maybe I could ask you questions? That is, if you don’t mind. I completely understand if you don't want to answer anything or share something so don't feel obliged, just tell me. I'm so pleased to have met you on this board!
I was just wondering on iamlost's point about going dark/dim.....what did your DB coach tell you? Did he/she have any suggestions? sorry if I missed it earlier on your thread.
thats the point.. you have said everything you can on this...he is in some sort of self destruct mode.... if you can just be a loving place for him to know is safe...it will create strength in you and he will feel it.
at the same time- you must protect yourself....it becomes a bit of the victim mentality after a while..yes it is hard and sad and horrible that he has this...but it is not an excuse..i learned that with my RA. The hard way.
take care of you
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
I was going to post an update on my DB talk. It was really good and helpful. I have spoken to her before so she knows abut my sitch.
She pointed out to me, in the nicest possible way, that I tend to be maternal, disapproving and over-protective of my h. This is exhibited in my disapproval and discomfort around him doing his band gig at the weekend. I worry about him as last time they got so drunk that his bf broke his leg and carried on, he really damaged it. I also hate the way he is when he is drunk as he gets rude, looses his sense of his own limits and usually gets into trouble somehow.
DBC (Divorce Busting Coach) said to me not to make him choose between his friends and me. She asked me how I thought he felt when he was with them and I said appreciated, entertained, likes being with them and free. she then asked how he felt when he was with me and I replied not appreciated, mothered, taken care of, limited.
She pointed out that in his current state of good health from coming out of a serious illness what would be the most appealing option. He is doing stuff any 26 year old would do and I am putting myself in a maternal position and being too serious. She said our relationship needs to be peer-to-peer and a good example is the EA saying 'drunkard' on his FB wall. She is being his peer and jesting with him. If I judge and get cross I will not come over well. He doesn't know when the illness will come back so wants to have fun.
The reason that I would be cross is because of him not helping me with the house but she said that is because I am having expectations a wife would have not a friend or peer. It is too much pressure. In fact, his email to me was very much the way a friend would talk and more than an acquaintance.
She said I shouldn't condone the drinking if it goes against my core values but to show an interest in the music side and ask how the gig went. That way we can build a connection over that. I need to get off my high horse! He has been responding well to gestures like the birthday present and the cat picture therefore he is beginning to think of us as equals. I need to carry on with that and see him as my equal not me being superior and thinking I know best. Let him know I am safe.
She said not to mention the house stuff; she said there was enough responsibility to give him with the finances. AS he hadn't replied to my email about the phone call she suggested I email him and suggest we meet over a drink to talk it through as I can't make this weekend. Here is the email I sent.
Hi H
It sounds like the band is really popular at the moment, what was the gig like at the weekend? You definitely had the weather for it! I thought maybe we could combine our chat with coffee and/ or a sandwich sometime this week as I am busy all weekend with something Lou has had planned for ages. I thought perhaps Thursday lunchtime somewhere near your work - Starbucks?? Hope you are having a good day. Julia P.S - Coffee (or something that we both drink!) is on me.
She said to keep the finances talk as brief as possible and not to give him the impression that I already know the answer. She said that at the moment we are re-framing.
wow! what wonderful insight and advice from your coach! that is a good lesson- peer to peer....mothering sometimes happens to the best of us...but its good to see how you can drop that part of this inertaction now...yay!
do you feel better???
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
you may have to explain. Can I have a pet ground hog? That link Lost posted was so cute!