Thinking of biting the bullet

[ACJ]

From reading your posts I sometimes get the feeling that the being ignored drives you to interact with him in anyway you can

You are spot on here. Even worse I know I am doing it but still put myself through it.

You deserve so much more than this and yet I feel you think you don't at times.

Spot on again. I wasn't a good wife. I was angry all the time and I wasn't exactly the most sexual being on earth. I know now from reading all the hundreds of books that I have that this was my way of trying to get my H to give me the attention I craved from him so much. It was there in the beginning but once the children came along he always put them first (I eventually became guilty of that too). I also now know why my children have used negative behaviour to get attention. They learned it all from me.

Knowing all of this just makes things worse because I got that knowledge too late to able to save my M and it's tearing me apart.

The ironic thing is that I was determined when I was first pregnant to make a better mother than I felt my own had been to me (we always fought) and in trying to do just that I ended up becoming ten times worse.

My own desire to be a good wife and mother has just left me with a broken family and I'm finding it incredibly hard to come to terms with that. The only thing I ever wanted in my whole life and I destroyed it. I forgiven my H his As but I can't forgive myself.