Confused and Bewildered

[7 Year Itch]

OK, I have absolutely no idea what to think today. Help. What a crazy last two days.

So yesterday H took the girls to HSM. By the time they got back to the house after doing dinner afterwards etc. it was 7:30pm. Well D2 goes to bed at 8pm, and D6 at 9pm. Remember H is staying an hour and 15 minutes away. He was going to have them originally stay at his house Friday night, then bring them BACK down by where I live to take them swimming the next day. Well, by the time they got to the house Friday night, I said..... it's CRAZY to now put them BACK in the car, only to get there, put them to bed, then drive back here in the morning. So I suggested he just stay the night. I told him I had plans (which I did, my friend was over for dinner when they came home) and I had plans today so that I could be away.

He wasn't going for it. Then D6 had a TOTAL meltdown. She REALLY was tired and wanted to go to bed, but wanted to stay with DAddy. I told him he might as well just leave them at home at that point, and just come back in the morning. Then D6 melted down because she wanted to be with him.

I finally stepped outside with my friend to leave him to it. I'm always there to help "rescue" in those meltdowns ,and I decided he could deal with it. So we were outside, and next thing I know, D6 steps outside all happy and says Daddy is staying the night. My friend just looked at me and said she was going to go ahead and go and give us some privacy (she felt really uncomfortable, and I can't blame her).

So I left H to do the bedtime routine etc. and I went into my room. So he got them to bed, then came in and laid on our bed. He kept moaning in pain (I knew he was soar from football the two previous days), so I asked if he wanted me to get him his ice pack for his back. He said yes please. So I got that, then went back to working on my computer. He then asked if I'd rub his hamstrings. So I did, and of course one thing led to another (HE INITIATED) and we ended up ML. Then he had told D6 he was going to sleep on her floor for a fun sleepover (trying not to confuse her). Well, he never did. He slept all night in the bed with me. It was awesome. No cuddling ,but just knowing he was there was so great.

So then today........... I woke up, and left for my day of horseback riding with my friend. He told me he was so sore there was no way he was going go take them to the pool, so he was just going to stay here at the house with them. HE offered to do a few things that were needing to be done around the house while he was here. I told him that would be great but he didn't have to.

So I come back this afternoon, the girls are playing and we end up going in my room and talking. Yes, the dreaded R talk begins. I simply told him I really enjoyed having him in the house last night. HE was quick to tell me "nothing had changed". Then next thing I know he is grabbing me and initiating stuff again. Um, round two of ML.

So then afterwards, we end up with R talk again. And I feel good about what I said at least. I did NOT cry, I was not emotional, and I just simply stated that for 4 months I have been living in fear. Fear of what was going to happen, what he was going to do etc, and that I had recently had an epiphany and I didn't want to live in fear anymore. I told him maybe that is why I'm going ziplining and horseback riding etc (things I've been fearful of, or had bad experiences with in the past etc..). And that I have decided that I have NO control over what he does, and I won't live in fear anymore. That I still prayed we would get through this, that I still have total faith in us..... but that I had a new found belief in my future, and no matter what happened.... I would be ok. He then proceeded to tell me again, that he doesn't think I'm a bad person, he thinks I'm attractive, he thinks I'm a good mom, he has seen a LOT of changes, all positive etc...... but that he still isn't "feeling it" and he just doesn't think it's going to change.

I reminding him that it's a marathon, not a sprint. That it took him 2 years for his feelings to change from love to not loving me, and it could take a long time to get it back. But that I was in for the long haul because the outcome and rewards far exceeded the struggle of waiting.

In the end, he left at the end of the night. I hugged him good bye. While I hugged him I whispered that I hoped he could find a way to let me in just a little bit. That I knew it was asking a lot to let the person in to his heart again, who hurt him so much. But that I was asking. I then invited him to "not live in fear" with me.

Don't know if it had any impact.

But once again, I'm totally confused. I know everyone is going to tell me to remember to not listen to what he says, and only 1/2 of what he does, and I would tell someone else that too. Yet, I don't feel comfortable with that with him. I honestly feel like he IS being totally honest with me. We were totally open talking, no animosity, no crying. And I think he was feeling totally safe to be totally honest. And so it makes me even sadder, because I don't think he has feelings he just doesn't want to tell me about.

I'm so scared the we really are done. And nothing I do can make him love me again. How can so much be so right, and it still end? I just don't understand.

Chris