Help me Act AS IF, Part 7: The Separation

[newnamenewlife]

The saddest thing is the grass is not greener and ending a relationship is not the solution... he just doesn't know or see that right now.

Unfortunately, the grass is greener for my H and ending the R was the solution for him. He desperately wanted out and that is what he got and I believe he is happier living "truthfully," as he put it. It's awful to think he may never have a "What the heck was I thinking?" moment. I doubt he will. It's not his way. It's just so hard to have to swallow the reality--that leaving ME was exactly what he needed to make his life better. Horrible.

I've actually been handling things pretty well--have been busy, going out with friends, daydreaming about dating (though how I'll ever really pull that one off is a mystery.)

Right now, however, I feel very sad (often I come here when I feel at my lowest.) H just picked up the Ds and took them to visit friends of ours who live in a beach community. The connection is through H (he went to college with the H in that family) but for 20 years I've been friends with them too.

H called earlier to tell me to pack certain things for the girls. I said "OK. What should I pack for myself?" It was dumb and needy of me, and I regretted it right after I said it, but I feel so left out of the family fun. I feel so rejected by all of them. On top of it, my Ds were thrilled to see H, thrilled to be visiting the friends at the beach, and D7 ran out without kissing me goodbye. H told her to come back and say goodbye to me.

As I've mentioned before, my Ds seem MORE THAN FINE with the S in general. After all my pre-separation anxiety about how awful it would be for them, it turns out they LIKE it this way. Even though (as I've also said before), I don't want them to suffer, it just feels like another slap in the face, like H did the right thing and there are no consequences for him to face.

In fact, the other day D11 was asking me how we'd do Xmas this year. I said maybe we could have Xmas morning together and she said "No, that would be weird." Anytime H&I suggest doing something as a family, she doesn't want that. I thought kids wanted their parents to get back together? We didn't even fight, H&I, so it's not like the house was so tense before H left.