OK Lost, that is honest. I'm happy for your marriage that you are willing to give it one last shot, knowing how hard it will be.
I just want to say this: I am now finally in a really great relationship. We are engaged, to be married in February 2008. We've been together going on 5 years now. We have a great, frequent and wild sex life, as well as a very intimate (on all other levels) relationship.
Why am I telling you this?
Because before being in this relationship, I was like most other people in that, I thought that relationships and marriages were supposed to be easy and just naturally, the spouses would be happy.
I WAS A FOOL!
Thus, the reason I am divorced.
In my current, happy and intimate relationship, I finally found out the real deal: That relationships take constant effort and work to maintain. And if you don't feel enough love and admiration for your spouse, if you feel like "meh" about your spouse on any level, your relationship will ultimately fail. If you aren't willing to put in constant work from here on forward, making sure you are drawing out the best from one another, working at keeping on your top game....the same way we do when we parent...the same way we do when we are career driven...nothing less than a total effort will keep your relationship at a top notch level. I finally understand this truth now, and I happily put 100% effort toward maintaining my happy relationship. It is the most rewarding effort I have ever given.
Now in hindsight, I wonder why I never saw this during my marriage? I didn't work at my marriage. I sure did work at being a parent thought! Why didn't I see, that if my children were that important to me, that my marriage had better be that important to me as well? And that if it takes hard work and patience to parent, that a marriage would take at least as much hard work and patience? Instead I just believed that since my ex-h and I couldn't figure out how to be happy, we must not be right for each other. I was wrong about that!
So I suspect that both you and your wife have not put in 100% effort for a long long time, if ever. Even while you have tried to make some changes after reading the books...please understand that those changes are *essentially* being made by you because you want to "fix" whatever you think is "broken" in your wife and causes her not to want to have sex. This is a big difference between really being willing to put in all of your effort because you want to have a happy marriage, and just making changes because you want to fix your broken wife somehow.
(Please don't take any of this personally or try to defend yourself. I really am not trying to be offensive and I apologize in advance if I sound offensive. I am trying to stick to the facts).
So yes I do have ideas, and you are not going to like it, but here it is:
You are going to have to tell her you will not live in a sexless marriage any longer, that you both need to find a marriage counselor that you will both agree to (ie: don't go back to the one who she felt was attacking her), and that she is going to have to agree to put in 100% effort into fixing this (and that you will put in 100% as well), or else you are going to ask for a separation. You have to be willing to walk out the door, so don't do this until you really are willing to do that.
From there, if she agrees, you will have to begin the long road of hard work ahead of you. She may agree initially and then immediately go back to old habits, in which case, you will have to make your stand and separate.
If you do not show your resolve to actually leave the marriage, she will never have the fuel she will need to get into the game along with you.
On the other hand, you might find, after delivering the ultimatum, that she will not agree to do the work. If that is the case, then you will have your answer. You feel right now that she is willing to live in a semi-happy sexless marraige forever. And yet, until you give her an ultimatum, you won't really know. It could be that she will be glad you brought up separation first! You won't really know until you go there.
Now, I know with kids involved, this is a difficult decision to make and to stick to. But ... I want to caution you, as I have cautioned others in your shoes, if you wait around for the kids to grow older before you make your move, you will be living in pain and unhappiness until then....and that is not "good" for the kids. Don't fool yourself into thinking that showing your kids an unhappy, sexless marriage is "good" for them. I am not advocating divorce. I just hate it when people think that their kids don't know what is going on. They do. Kids know it when their father doesn't love their mother or the other way around. Right now, I would take a guess that your kids realize more than your wife realizes how your feelings are quickly fading for their mom. As much as you want to protect your kids, just sticking around "for them" is likely going to lead you to divorce anyway, because just sticking around "for them" shows you will not be willing to do any hard work.
I hope all of this makes sense. No one is going to tell you that you "should" do this...but I will tell you that if you don't do this, your wife will not ever snap out of her fog. And yes, it really is like a fog. I could go on and on about her side of the equation because I lived in that fog, too. But for now, I doubt that will be all that helpful to you. First you have to grow a pair and decide your fate. THEN you can head toward that fate.
