For the Guy with Kids and a WW 8

[hopeful4her]

Last night, I got what I wanted. I went and disrupted the movie with a quick dance move and then layed down with D6 on the sofa. She came and layed down on my stomach. She eventually fell asleep. Just like when she was baby.

I think the movie was "Step Up" part 72 or something. I call it break dancing. Thats what we called it back in the day. Now they have all kinds of names for it. But holy moly! These kids now a days. They can do stuff I didn't think a human could do. They can DANCE. Roomie likes movies like that. It had some cool music, too. After the movie, I carry D6 to her bed, kiss D11 goodnight and go to bed myself. Roomie had gone to S14's room to get her alarm clock, I guess, so no goodnight for roomie. For some reason, I had trouble getting to sleep.

Today, I just had a strange feeling. Can't really describe it. Just kind of empty. A lost feeling. I think for some reason, I'm just feeling lonely. I don't really know why or what brought it on.

I shouldn't have, but I sent B a text today.

"Whats up? Hope U enjoyed Chris Madrids(burger joint). I had a baloney sandwich. Yummie! Im at work taking a break. Let me know the plan for Patsy's Bday when U figure it out. C ya."

We have another very close friend(in the business)whose bday is coming up. Supposed to have a get together.

She replied,

Lucked out. Mom took me and Allysa to Carino's instead. Then we just rented movies. I think Friday for Patsy. Best day for me. Will let U know.

As I get the reply, coworker Y is talking to me. I get a smirk on my face looking at my phone.

That started an odd conversation.

"Who's that? Is that B?"
"Yeah. Its nothing."
"Ommmm. Did something happen Friday night? Something happened, didn't it?"
"No. I'm not looking for something like that."
"Why? She's cute."
"I'm married. Hello. Besides, theres a few traits about B that irritate the crap out of me."
"(Gasp)Like what?!"
"Since I've know her, she is constantly puting on make up. Looking in the mirror fixing it. I mean constantly. That is self esteem issues big time."
"Yeah, your right."
"And she is always flipping her hair. And for 38 years old, she is really naive. Like a child in a lot of ways. You can say something to her and she says, 'What does that mean?'"
"Be careful what you ask for. Some girls might NEED the makeup."
"Hey don't get me wrong. She's fun and sweet and hot looking. And I don't care what is on the outside(there's more of her to love like roomie). And I'm NOT looking for a relationship. Not right now."
"But you don't have to be serious. Just someone to hang out with."
"I'm not looking for "girl" friends. I need to hang out with guys."
"Why not? They and help you....."
"A 'girl' friend might tell you how nice and sweet you are. And then they are out looking for 'bad boy'"

I'm just having fun with it. But a lot of people I know encourage me to do something. No way. So I'm flirting. I've never been the type before. I think I'm just wanting some companionship now. Not sexual. Just companionship. From both my male AND female friends. Like support. I don't feel like I'm being inappropriate. I think I'm strong enough to not let something happen. I'm a controlled person.

Like I posted before, I need to heal myself and figure out my life first.

My best friend called me today, too. He told me that roomie called him on Saturday to invite his daughter, D11's best friend) to go swimming. He gave her a story about not being able to. He wants nothing to do with roomie. I tell him I understand. He doesn't trust her anymore. He's a single dad. I tell him that D11 might be calling to invite his D to go swimming more often.
"She's goofy. I'm not going to hang out with her."

I tell him, "Neither am I, bro. Neither am I."

[kat727]

I would hang out with you if I were in Texas. I know it is nice to have friends here but sometimes you just want to talk about what Karen said or what dish lodo made and there isn't anyone here to talk about it with who knows what the heck I am talking about.

Careful about any signs you are throwing out at "B". She is watching you like a hawk and you really don't need that now.

kat

[hopeful4her]

Point taken.

Yeah, I'd love to hang out. Burn some meat on the pit and drink some ice cold beer. Sit and just chill on the deck.

I just feel so damn lonely. Its been a long time. I'm sure for us all. Just chillin' with good friends, you know?

wdid talks about how she started in her affair. Like stuff I'm doing with B and other friends. She FELT that something was missing from her H. Us "Left Behinds" have our spouses TAKE their feelings away from us on purpose. I think there is a difference.

Boy, I think I F'ed up over on lost's thread. After I posted what I did, not a peep. Like everyone just swerved around it and told themselves, "I can't believe H4H freakin' just wrote that!" Except sandi. But I feel true in my response. I do feel bad, though.

Sorry lis. I wasn't saying specifically your W. It was just a general outburst.

Really sad right now. Conversation came up at dinner about S14 helping his mom grab some boxes from Conns before going to Spectrum tomorrow. D11 asks why? D6 says, "To move stuff to the apartment."

I got really quiet. I'm sure it showed on my face. Roomie even looked like she felt bad.

Whatever.

I felt so good, too.

Oh well. Just a slight step back. I'm still ok.

[karen43]

wdid talks about how she started in her affair. Like stuff I'm doing with B and other friends. She FELT that something was missing from her H. Us "Left Behinds" have our spouses TAKE their feelings away from us on purpose. I think there is a difference.

So you realize you're playing with fire like our WAS did and you are trying to rationalize it's ok because your W did it first? I just don't think any married person should be acting inappropriately with someone that's not their spouse. Yeah, I do think that's how it usually gets started: "innocent" friendship on the part of one of the people maybe or maybe not, texting, etc. Do it a little bit longer and you'll be saying just like my H "he didn't mean for it to happen".

To be honest, I had been doing that a little bit with one of my male theatre friends and I cooled off that and backed away b/c I didn't want to go there and I was also thinking I didn't want my friend to think I wanted to go there and give him the wrong ideas, not fair to my friend... Karen

[hopeful4her]

See karen, even you went through something kinda similar.

And your our Glinda

I think I even remember Sara seeing someone for a little bit. I'm sure just innocent. Maybe it was just over the internet. B had not contacted me for what seemed like a month. As far as I can recall, today's text is the first time that I initiated contact with her without out it being a response to her contacting me first. It did feel strange. Then out of the blue, she's calling me for lunch during the week and then the concert.

Man, it does something to my ego, though. You are right. I feel like I can run my hand over the fire with burning myself. Just asking for trouble though.

I don't NEED someone right now. I don't really WANT someone right now. Again, its my ego being fed that feels good. My very low self esteem. I don't feel like I've got a whole lot to offer to someone. I carry too much extra weight. Working on it. I'm getting old. Grey hair coming out like crazy.

Wow. What a catch.

[kat727]

I also think we are each at different points in our journey through hell. While I think I am far from the end, the divorce is sadly a day(or so) away unless he suddenly wakes up and then that is a whole other can of worms. I haven't read what you wrote, but if you are upset about something you said just tell him that.

We are here to help each other. Even if something hits a nerve now and then, we know that everyone here has our best interests at heart.

Do what you need to make yourself feel better. What's a little gray...they make stuff to color that. no big deal. Do what you gotta do.

kat

[karen43]

See karen, even you went through something kinda similar.

And your our Glinda

I know I started out being a bit harsh in my post and then I realized, Dang, I was doing the same thing for a while!!! I know how it makes you feel self-esteem wise and everything, but don't think it's probably a good idea until after D is over, or at least that's what I decided. And btw, I think grey hair is hot on men! And I don't think I'm the only one that thinks like that (am I)??? Like Richard Gere, I never thought he was that attractive (alright maybe a little) until he went gray!!! Karen

[hopeful4her]

Thanks ladies.

I really love being here and appreciate ya'lls thoughts.

[hopeful4her]

Something that I forgot to mention.

Roomie has decided lately to not attend church with me lately. I still take my D's. I am going to ask her about it when she moves out. I want to continue to take my D's to church with me, even if she is not going to attend.

I'm not sure if it is because she just doesn't want to attend together, if she is guilty, or what.

On Sunday, she cleaned out her vehicle before we left for church. She still does keep her bible in it and she also has a devotional book. We bought it together the last time we went to the Dollar store together. Maybe over a month ago. Anyway, she left her bible in the vehicle but brought her devotional book inside the house. She wants me to drive her vehicle because my truck doesn't have ac right now. When we got back on Sunday night, I notice the book upside down but opened to a section. This morning before I left for work, I looked at it.

The section was "Devotions when Doubting God".

Now, when we leave for church, she does at least put the tv on Joel Osteen. She likes him a lot. I do too. This last Sunday, he spoke about giving praise helps bring us blessings. Praising brings blessings like rain. It was good. Don't go around stagnant and under a cloud wondering why me? Give praise and turn the cloud into blessings that rain down on you.

How should I bring up taking the D's to church. I think my plan for us sharing the D's is that we would exchange every Sunday after church. Trying to think of how to say it.

Maybe,
"I noticed that your not attending church anymore. I have to respect your decision, but I still want to have the girls attend with me. I want to be able to take them to service even when when they are with you on Sunday mornings."

Of course, I would love to say something really smart ass, but I can refrain. You know, wondering what the demons did with my real wife kind of stuff. Wondering what God it is that she prays to, because He's not the same one I pray to. Apparantly, her God tells her to go against the bible. Not with it.

What is she going through?

Tonight, she was actually pleasant to me again. When she got home, she even asked me how my day was. I told her, but didn't draw it out like I usually would try to to be able to engage her in a conversation. I didn't ask her about hers. Then we had dinner and I already talked about that.

Is how I put it the way to say it? Roomie has alway been a Christian. She got away from it for a while a year and a half ago, when our problems first surfaced. She went through a party girl phase. It was at that time that I was saved.

Just looking for thoughts.

Yes, I admit that sometimes I don't seem too Christian either. I struggle with that inside.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

How should I bring up taking the D's to church. I think my plan for us sharing the D's is that we would exchange every Sunday after church. Trying to think of how to say it.

Maybe,
"I noticed that your not attending church anymore. I have to respect your decision, but I still want to have the girls attend with me. I want to be able to take them to service even when when they are with you on Sunday mornings."

I think that's perfect.

Puppy