In search of ButterflyMom and Favoriteweirdo......

[ddstartingover]

My only goal with the letter is to let H know that I know about the OW----because he doesn't know that I know. I truly believe he needs to know at this point. I'm following advice from FW, someone who's been there. I have an appt. with C tomorrow and will review it with her, but he won't talk to me (asked for D via e-mail), I don't think I can get through a conversation and hit everything I want to hit on...............FW????

It also doesn't matter to me at this point what his reaction is. I'm sure he will become angry, enraged, and deny, deny, deny-----but I don't care. I'm tired of taking all of the blame, feeling like I have to bend over backwards to keep him happy when I'm trying to work on ME.

[butterflymom]

TCBTE – I have put my thoughts within the letter in bold.

}Well, I'm not sure this is perfect, and I'm sure there is too much "fluff," but the following is my letter to H (let the edits begin):

This is a very difficult letter to write. I have agonized over the right thing to do for months, I have attempted to get you to talk to me, but have failed, and I keep coming back to the need to write this. I know that at this point I take the risk of pushing you away forever, but I know if there is a possibility of having a future together, I have to write this letter.

I know that our relationship has never been perfect. I know that we are both to blame for that. I have been willing to take more than my share of the blame, because I know that I have a lot of deficiencies when it comes to communication, and I have made a lot of mistakes. Despite not being perfect, I have always loved you. The love that I feel in my heart, is the kind of love that is so deep a part of me that I have felt that you were a part of me. I have failed to express my love in many ways. I have failed at making you understand or appreciate my love for you. For that I am sorry.

I know that you have always had a problem with being honest with me. I know that you have always felt it easier to stretch the truth, "round up," or tell me something different from the truth to either make me happy, protect my feelings, or spare yourself from my reaction. Drop this. Blame. Not the time or place for it. This letter is not meant to correct all your relationship problems in one fell swoop. Tackle one thing at a time. Letting him know that you know. Period. I will take some of the blame for that as well. I know that I have a history of over-reacting; being overly critical; and speak before I think. Unfortunately, when the truth surfaces it hurts much more than learning the truth in the beginning.

I know that my approach two years ago was wrong. I know that I blind-sided you with an accusation. I know that I was angry and critical, and betrayed your trust by looking into your cell phone records. But, even though I know my approach was wrong, I know in my heart that what I believed to be true was true. I spent many months questioning why or how THIS could happen. I blamed myself for everything, because after all, you were the one that didn't want US, and that had to be because of me. You also did your part by pointing out all of the things that I have done wrong or handled wrong for the last 20 years. You singled out some very bad times that we had, without recognizing the good times. Blaming. Not the time for it. This letter should be factual, to the point. Basically, I know about your affair, I know who she is. I’ve known for x amount of time.

I have done a lot of self examination over the last two years, and identified a lot of faults that I have. I have come to an understanding about what is important to me. I know that I have to be happy with myself, and that is my priority at this point. I also know that there is nothing more important than our children and their happiness will always come first. This is OK, and would be OK to tell him at this point if you really mean it. Words on paper have to be backed up by actions – work on those faults for YOURSELF.

I don't know how inolved you were with OW when I made that accusation two years ago, but I know there was something there. I felt the break in our connection, and I felt you gradually but steadily pulling away from me. You can continue to deny it. You can continue to avoid the fact that we are HERE in part because of your feelings for her, but you need to know that I KNOW. I have let you re-write our history. I have let you blame THIS on you being miserable in our marriage for years, I have let you tell me that you just don't love me anymore, you don't have what it takes, or you just don't want to work on US. I have allowed you to make me doubt the last 29 years of my life, but I will not do that anymore. I have known for a long time. In some way, in my gut, I think I knew when you denied it 2 years ago. I know that THIS is not just about US. I know you want to say all this, but now is not the time. There may be time for this later, but blaming right now will get you no where. I would leave out this entire paragraph. Write a separate letter and burn it, but stay away from the blame for right now.

I told myself from the beginning that if something like this would ever happen to me I would be walking out the door in a minute. Even two years ago, I told myself that if I found out that I was right, I would be out the door, with our kids, and spare no efforts to make things difficult for you. That was before I had this time to think, to examine the depth of my feelings for you, and to appreciate how important it is to keep our family together.

I can only imagine the conflicting feelings that you must have. I know there is no way I can understand them. I am confident that you have turned our marriage into much less than what it was in order to justify your feelings for OW. I am confident that all of the bad things have multiplied in your mind to the point that you don't remember the good. Do not make assumptions about what he is feeling. You really have NO WAY to know this. I would leave that part out totally. I also know that the way I have dealt with this, and with all of the emotion involved, I have become a less attractive choice. I can only hope that there is a small part of you that continues to love me. I know that only you can make the choice on what you want for your future, and that you cannot return to me out of guilt or obligation.

I know that she has recently divorced her husband. I know that she has two children of her own to raise. I suspect that you are feeling pressure from her at this point. I can't imagine that what you could have with her could be stronger than what we have had, the family that we have created, and all that we have accomplished together. It is hard for me to imagine that you can find a person you are willing to change your whole life for ---- as a result of taking an extra job to support your family. It's hard to imagine that the one person you could change your life for just so happened to be working at XXXX. I am deeply saddened that you were able to turn to someone else during what was probably the hardest test of our marriage and a very difficult time in my life, and I can only imagine how you got to that point. As I have said for months, this is not you. You say here it’s not him, yet your statements in the next paragraph totally contradict that statement. Your letter will sound insincere and false to him. Don’t assume she’s putting pressure on him. Don’t bad mouth her in any way shape or form. It will bite you in the butt. Leave her out of it totally other than to say you know she exists and who she is.

I am writing this letter because I know if we can ever have a future together, you will need to be honest with me. If we are ever to have a future together you will need to return to me in an attempt to reconnect and re-establish your feelings for me. I am writing this letter to let you know that I am here, that I know the issues you are faced with, and if and when you are ready, I am willing to do the work to put us and our family back together. You have said that you don't think what we could achieve would be worth the effort, but by saying that you are selling us short. You are overlooking what we have already overcome and accomplished. You are underestimating the value of saving our family. You are ignoring the feelings that I know you still have for me, and you are avoiding and denying the feelings I have for you. You, you you. WAY too many “You” statements here. Stick with “I” statements. You sounds very blaming, very accusatory. It will turn him off very quickly and he will tune your letter out.

I have had problems dealing with scheduling time with the kids for a lot of reasons, knowing and avoiding the need to write this letter was one of them. I will not change my attitude where the kids are concerned----they need us both, and I will work to find a schedule that will work for us both, but I will continue to ask for understanding and compassion for what this is doing to me. I do not intend to broadcast to the world what I know, and haven't, with respect for our children.

This letter should be factual, to the point. Basically, I know about your affair, I know who she is. I’ve known for x amount of time and I’m not going to expose it. You can also say that you think your marriage has a chance and you will be willing to work on it if he is. The scheduling about the kids is OK too. I know there is a LOT you WANT to say, but honestly it won’t do any good at this point. The general tone of your letter is very accusatory and blaming. I would take out most of it and just leave the facts. You will lose him with all this and your main point will not be taken. I know you want to tell him so much, but it will fall on deaf ears. Trust me. Been there, done that. It’s like talking to a brick wall. Nothing you can say or write will make a difference right now. Stick to the facts and you will be much better off. Are there any boundaries you wish to set with regards to him having an affair? Boundaries regarding your interactions with him, boundaries regarding the kids, etc etc? This letter would be the place for those to be stated as well. Take the emotion out of the letter and make it a factual recitation of the situation.

BFM

[graceallday]

I agree with all I would not send the letter....there is too much to edit in it...if you want to let him know about the OW, just tell him....you know he knows you know in his heart, when you bring any focus to the OW it just makes him defend her or their relationship and no matter what you say ....they wont buy it, right now in his mind he has to think what he does to keep doing what he is doing...whe their realtionshio crumbles is when he will see the truth or a closer version...until then you are not on his radar....and this is not about you, its about him, but telling him does no good...

[ddstartingover]

Thanks BFM - I will try again. The comment about "this is not you" --- is something I have been telling him for months----the way he is acting is not like him----not the person I've known for 29 years. I agree with all of your suggestions/comments, and I'll give it another go. This is why I posted the letter.....

[ddstartingover]

OK, simplified, with most of the emotion taken out..........

This is a very difficult letter to write. I have agonized over the right thing to do for months, I have attempted to get you to talk to me, but have failed, and I keep coming back to the need to write this. I know that at this point I take the risk of pushing you away forever, but I know if there is a possibility of having a future together, I have to write this letter.


I know that our relationship has never been perfect. I know that we are both to blame for that. I have been willing to take more than my share of the blame, because I know that I have a lot of deficiencies when it comes to communication, and I have made a lot of mistakes. Despite not being perfect, I have always loved you. The love that I feel in my heart, is the kind of love that is so deep a part of me that I feel that you are a part of me. I have failed to express my love in many ways. I have failed at making you understand or appreciate my love for you. For that I am deeply sorry.


I have done a lot of self examination over the last two years, and identified a lot of faults that I have. I have come to an understanding about what is important to me. I know that I have to be happy with myself, and that, as well as the happiness of our children, is my priority at this point.

I don't know how involved you were with OW when I made that accusation two years ago, but I know there was something there. It was something I felt in my gut. I could feel it as you pulled away from me. I also know that whatever it was then has evolved into a relationship. I know that she has recently divorced her husband. I know that she has two children of her own to raise.

I am writing this letter because I know if we can ever have a future together, you need to know that I know about OW, and that I know at least some of the issues that you are facing now. I am also writing to let you know that I still believe that we can get through this, and I am prepared to do the work.

I have had problems dealing with scheduling time with the kids for a lot of reasons, knowing and avoiding the need to write this letter was one of them. I will not change my attitude where the kids are concerned----they need us both, and I will work to find a schedule that will work for us both. I do not intend to broadcast to the world what I know, and haven't, with respect for our children.

[ddstartingover]

BFM/FW - can I add this:

I would like to ask that you tell me if you plan to expose our children to OW and her family. I do not want them to feel like they have to keep secrets from me.

[favoriteweirdo]

TCBTE - Seriously, you need not ask permission from me (and I am positive I am speaking for BFM, also) as to whether or not you can add anything or do something. This is your life. My comments/edits are in red below. I have put a strike-through over the parts I feel are unnecessary.

Somewhat of a diclaimer follows: I am not your H and I do not know what he was thinking, is thinking or what he will think. Take my edits as suggestions only. For that matter, as I have said many times on here, my opinion is mine and mine alone. I give it almost exclusively to those who ask for it rather than random posts to everyone and anyone b/c I think I have the answers. I do not think I have the all of the answers. Our journeys are as unique as the different lives we lead. I can simply give you my viewpoint from my own journey and how it affected me and my family. I do have the blessing of hindsight (still very fresh) and I do know what worked for BFM and I. Our journey has just begun. Piecing/reconciliation is hard work, period. I suspect that many WAS recognize just how hard the road to reconciliation will be, thus they avoid it...

I do feel a letter given to him to read on his own without pressure is the way to go. If you are there, you will likely interject eveything you have deleted (plus some) when he gets defensive... He will read it. If it is well written and factual (not accusatory and full of emotion), he will likely read it again and again.

Remember - The only person you can control is YOU. Do what is right for YOU and your children. Your H has his own road to travel. Pray. God will lead you through this (no matter how it turns out) if you let Him.

This is a very difficult letter to write. He knows this. I have agonized over the right thing to do for months, I have attempted to get you to talk to me, but have failed, argumentative and I keep coming back to the need to write this. I know that at this point I take the risk of pushing you away forever, but I know if there is a possibility of having a future together, I have to write this letter.


I know that take responsibility for my part in the failings of our relationship. has never been perfect. I know that we are both to blame for that. I have been willing to take more than my share of the blame, because I know that I have a lot of deficiencies when it comes to communication, and I have made a lot of mistakes. Despite not being perfectmy mistakes, I have always loved you. The love that I feel in my heart, is the kind of love that is so deep a part of me that I feel that you are a part of me. I have failed to express my love in many ways. I have failed at making you understand or appreciate my love for you. For that I am deeply sorry.

I have done a lot of self examination over the last two years, and identified a lot of faults that I have. Faults that I am working on fixing for me to be a better person. I have come to an understanding about what is important to me. I know that I have to be happy with myself, and that, as well as the happiness of our children, is my priority at this point.

I don't know how involved you were with OW when I made that accusation two years ago, but I know there was something there. It was something I felt in my gut. Over the past two years, I could feel it as felt you pulled away from me. I also know that whatever it was then has evolved into have now confirmed your a relationship with OW. Subsequent to finding out, I know that she has recently divorced her husband. I know that she and has two children of her own to raise.

I am writing this letter because I know if we can ever have a future together, you need to know that I know about OW, and that I know at least some of the issues that you are facing nowtoo subjective. I am also writing to let you know that I still believe that we can get through this, and I am prepared to do the work.

I have had problems dealing with scheduling time with the kids. for a lot of reasons, knowing and avoiding the need to write this letter was one of them. I will not change my attitude regarding them or their well-being----they need us both, and with your help, I will work to find a schedule that will work for us both. I do not intend to broadcast to the world what I know, and haven't, with respect for our children.

I would like to ask that you tell me if you plan to expose our children to OW and her family. I do not want them to feel like they have to keep secrets from me.

Sounds okay to me. I really feel this discussion is probably best left for another time after he KNOWS that you know the truth.

I am praying for you, your children and your H.

FW

[ddstartingover]

FW - thank you. I know that you don't have all the answers, and asking for permission to write something, was really only my way of asking if and how I should approach the subject of my kids meeting the OW. I agree that it should wait for another time.

I in no way think that you have all of the answers. I am asking for your opinion because you have been there and have some insight into what is on the MLC'ers mind. I know there is no way you can know what my H is thinking. I needed help with this letter, to cut out the emotion, the accusatory tone and any sense of being argumentative. I think that you and BFM have helped immensely.

I do think that writing this letter is right for me. I need him to know that I know about OW. I know that I can't predict what my H's reaction will be. I know there is no way to know how this will hit him. I anticipate that it will make him very angry, but there is no way I can think of a future with him some day if this is not out in the open.

I thank you both for your help and insight. Whatever happens at this point is on me-----I will not hold anyone accountable for the end result.

[favoriteweirdo]

Glad I could help, even if in just some small way. Keep your chin up. Count the blessings around you. You can do this.

FW

[ddstartingover]

I know I can do this. I have more days that I believe that than not now. I have an appt. with my C tomorrow. I will discuss the letter, and myself. When I get the elephant off my back I will focus on me.

H has kids tonight so I'm going to go out with a friend. I am very grateful to have such good friends............the friends that are here in person, and the friends I have on this site...................