I'm new here. I was debating on whether to post in 'Newcomers' or in the 'Sex-Starved Marriage' forum, but there does not seem to be much activity over there.
A little background. My wife and I have been married for almost 7 years and together a total of 9. I'm 38, she is 33. We have 2 children - girls, ages 5 and 3. We are both on our 2nd marriages. Her's was short, mine lasted just over 7 years - no children from previous marriages.
As the usual story goes, things were good between us early on in the marriage or so it seemed. There seemed to be a healthy appetite for intimacy from both parties. After first daughter was born, things slowly tapered off but was still at an acceptable level. After 2nd daughter was born, intimacy has been pretty much nil. About a year ago, things finally boiled over in a heated exchange and I got - "I don't like sex and it's not you. I've never liked it even before you and could really care less if I ever have it again." Nice. Back before the kids were born, it sure didn't seem that way but who am I to tell her how she feels. This really would have been something nice to know long before a marriage and 2 kids later to find out. Not that I regret having my two girls, but this revelation puts things into a difficult spot.
I was ready then for a divorce from her but could not stand the thought of breaking up the family and the effect that it would have on our children. We are not very financially stable and with Michigan's economy, we pretty much live paycheck to paycheck. A divorce would be difficult on us financially, as would a separation. I purchased Michelle's books - DR, DB, and SSM and began practicing the techniques. This was last July. Things did not immediately get better. I had earlier expressed the emotional hurt that lack of intimacy had on me, she in turn expressed how she felt pressured by me into sex. She didn't want to be close to me because she felt that any physical touch would lead to sex. After that, I backed away and respected her feelings. I would occasionally give her hugs, but most of the time I would let her initiate contact so as not to make her feel 'pressured.' She seemed to respect that I was giving her space and respecting her feelings. Some intimacy returned towards the end of last year. Awkward at first, especially due to her 'never having liked sex' comment. Was she re-writing history with that comment or has she never really liked sex? Her actions toward the end of last year appeared to me that maybe she was re-writing history with her comment because things started to seem good again and she seemed to be enjoying sex....much like she seemed before our first child.
Something happened in January of this year that changed that. It was during an intimate moment when she said, "You better hurry up and finish before the kids wake up and want to come into bed with us." I just really felt then, that the month or so leading up to this night had just been an act. I stopped right then with what I was doing and rolled over to go to sleep. Shortly after that, one of the girls did wake up and come into bed with us....I guess in my wife's mind, this only proved her point. Since then, I have not initiated anything, sex, hugs, kisses, calling her during the day...nothing. She'll call me, she'll give me hugs or kisses and she goes about her way as if everything is ok even though we have not been intimate since that night in January.
I'm hoping someone has some words of wisdom for me for some 'reverse' divorce busting, because right now I've basically just dropped the rope and awaiting the marriage to die of natural causes.
I will let some of the women pontificate on motivation etc here, but I will say this. The thought of potential interuption by a child during the act is a HUGE turnoff! At the risk of being offensive here, you have got to keep the kids out of your room! Mom and Dad's bedroom should be off limits any time the door is closed. That helps reduce the anxiety. If you are unable (cooperation from the wife) or unwilling (your own parenting style and beliefs) to keep them out through training, you need to keep them out physically with some sort of bolt on the door.
You can find a lot of postings on making the bedroom a more intimacy friendly place, from de-cluttering to motif etc, but being uninterupted during sex is rule #1.
Typically, this sort of thing is not a problem. At the time this happened, the one daughter had not been feeling too good for part of the week (a cold) It's really not a problem now as my wife usually falls asleep on the couch and doesn't even come to bed.
You know, the more I think about this....why bother? She seems to have checked out a long time ago.
Hi again Lost...welcome to this section of the forum. You will likely continue to get advice on your other thread in newcomers as well as here, but as I said over there, your post will "disappear" rather quickly in newcomers and go onto older pages where people don't really dig up older posts.
Anyway...thank you for the answer to my questions on your other post.
Lost, I do understand your emotions about this matter. You can go to my screen name, and then click "view posts". Then you will get a list of every post I've created, but if you go to the "new here, getting acquainted" post, you can read my long boring story if you want background on "who" is giving you advice. I don't think my background is relevant to your situation specifically....except these parts:
I was in a SSM.
We are divorced now.
I wish I could have done it differently and I now have many regrets.
That's the short version!
Anyway, Lost, one of the first and most difficult things to learn for an HD spouse is that their LD spouse is not really doing this to you "on purpose".
When you said in your response to my questions that the fact that she has left the book unread for this long makes you realize how low of a priority she places on your marriage...well, this is totally normal for the HD spouse to feel...but it just isn't true. It may seem logical to you, but your LD wife has no idea that she is giving you that message. Please for now, just believe that. I know your mind doesn't want to believe it, but it IS true and in the long run you will come to believe it. You will save yourself from a lot of struggling if you will right now, just accept that your wife has NO CLUE how you are taking her rejection.
At this point, you are going to have to make a choice, and the choice is this:
Do you really want to fix this problem in your marriage, or are you willing to stand by and allow it to remain the same forever?
And once you make that choice, people can advise you much better.
So...as you may have already guessed, in order to make that choice, you will have to also make a stand...and that will mean basically an ultimatum.
The sad news is that if you are not willig to make that ultimatum, you will likely never fix your SSM and you may end up divorced anyway....because the years will take such a toll on you and your W that it will probably come of its own.
Stick around and keep reading and learning. The other guys here who are in your shoes will help you a LOT.
Dance Queen, Well, chances are that if I give her the ultimatum right now...she will probably accept it and the marriage will end. I feel she is at that point of not caring how I feel about things right now.
At the time I asked her to read the SSM book, I made myself very clear as to how I felt in our marriage. I took into consideration the things she was asking from me. I eased WAY back on the physical touch. She wanted more space and free time to spend with friends...fine, done. She said I was not trusting of her due to what happened in my first marriage and that she took my phone calls to her during the day as a way to check up on her...fine, done. I haven't initiated a call to her in 6 or 7 months. I did everything she asked. I made myself clear about how I felt and said the book would outline and explain the hurt even more. 1 1/2 chapters and now collecting dust.
If not for the girls, I would already be gone and she knows that. She knows I can't bare the thought of hurting them.
No, I'm not a Bible thumper but I do have some moral values otherwise I probably would have sought out an affair by now just to try and find some type of affection.
Hey LiM - That's what I thought too about 7 years ago. I thought my marriage was through... I filed for divorce even. My attitude was she didn't care about us any more, might as well move on. To my amazement though that (a divorce) is what woke my wife up. She really fought to save our marriage back then. I was the one so totally disconnected that I wanted pitch the whole thing. The only mistake we made was me not making some changes in myself and then us slipping back into our old habits. We do communcate and get along well other than being sex-starved again.
Hopefully one of our veteran SSM experts, Bagheera, will chime in soon and help us steer you as much as is possible...
When you say if not for the girls you would already be gone, and your wife knows this, I have to ask....does this mean you are not in love with your wife anymore? Do you not feel connected to her at all? I am sorry if you feel you have already made this clear in your post, but it isn't quite clear to me. So straight up - do you still LOVE your wife and still feel in love with her?
The answer to this question does of course affect all other outcomes.
OK...and do you feel that she still loves you? I mean, truly...does she love you? Forget for now that you feel that if she did love you, she would initiate sex. Just pretend for now that the sex component doesn't matter and answer, does she love you? Would she describe herself as happily married?
But the sex component DOES matter. There is NO intimacy from her. Does she have love for me? Probably. Is she in love with me? From my point of view...no. Happily married? She would probably agree, as things are going how she would like them to go.
DQ, I'm sorry if I come off as short, or resentful. I've been hurting for too long.
