H had 3 year affair and I never knew!

[happycamper]

Thanks for checking in, iamlost.

I can't get over the way that things just don't go as you expected. H (or stbx?!) in full flow of R with GF, it's very weird. They text each other all the time, he does it when he is here. Last night she sent him a photo of, ahem, herself. He does check in with me regularly to see if I am ok with things, but what choice do I have really? He hasn't found anywhere to go, we are 'separated', he's 'free' to see someone else, if I asked him to he would go outside to text her. I only have to show the slightest interest (which I do sometimes for the sake of our R) and off he goes... details details details every last detail about them.

And finally, he has got in contact with Sex and Love Addicts Anon (SLAA), and has recognised he has a significant problem. He's thinking about working on that, going to meetings etc. He talks about GF as something that probably 'won't last', MLC thing.

The question is, for me, that if he changes his ways, will he want to try again? Do I want to try again? Very confusing.

[happycamper]

Also I have been in contact with a group for individuals whose lives have been affected by someone with a SA (or SLA). I'm getting to see there people who are trying to work through it - my goodness...

[iamlost]

Good on you both--seeking help with other people who are dealing with the same stuff. I'm really glad.

BTW, I think if you don't want to hear about the stuff with her, set gentle boundaries with him. He can be open and have a good friendship with you without giving you gory details.

Only you can figure out whether someday you want to try to work things out with him if he changes his ways--you already know he's got a long, hard road before that happens, if it happens (not trying to be down on his chances, BTW. People are capable of amazing things if they want to be).

[happycamper]

iamlost - thanks for your gentle attitude. I do want a friendship with him, I think it is vital for the children. It's nice to hear someone say that is possible.

It's a shame that he couldn't have waited until he moved out before getting a GF, it has made it harder, but probably easier for me to detach.

I do still love him, and part of me wants to be with him. However, I need to remember the lack of interest he had in me (common for SLAs apparently), and the air of deception I lived in, and the uncertainty. That's all I've got to go on really, as I can't remember the infidelity - I never knew.

[cat03]

I only have to show the slightest interest (which I do sometimes for the sake of our R) and off he goes... details details details every last detail about them.

How would interest about his R with another woman is going to "help" what's left of your R?

How about telling him "H, it is extremely disrespectful and hurtful to hear you talk about this other woman, to see you communicate with her in front of me, no, I am not ok with you carrying on a R with someone else in what is still our home, I don't appreciate your behavior and I dont want to discuss this other person while you still live here."

that if he changes his ways, will he want to try again?

If he changes his way, if he truly does and want to make full restitution of his M, you'll have to see the results first and judge then, it's one thing to say he is seeking help, another one for him to actually make the 180's he needs to make to be a respectful person.

[happycamper]

How would interest about his R with another woman is going to "help" what's left of your R?

There are two answers to that -

a) because at the moment he is still living here 60% of the time. I don't want him to lie to me or to do things behind my back. It's not so much interest in her, it's more interest in him in a new R. For example, he's going on holiday in October, the plan was for him to go alone. I wondered if that was still the case or would he be going with gf etc. It's preferable to hear some detail than awkwardness and lying.

b) because I'm trying so hard to maintain a friendship with him that I'm prepared to put myself through any amount of pain to keep him onside.

I'm worried that b is really the answer.

Am I finding it hard to let go, and instead of my marriage I'm subconsciously working towards an EA with H? Hmmm

How about telling him "H, it is extremely disrespectful and hurtful to hear you talk about this other woman, to see you communicate with her in front of me, no, I am not ok with you carrying on a R with someone else in what is still our home, I don't appreciate your behavior and I dont want to discuss this other person while you still live here."

Here's the conversation in my head...

- 'I can't say that!'

- 'Why not?'

- 'It would drive him away and he wouldn't like me.'


I always thought of H as the bright little star I had managed to catch, and was desperately trying to stop if wander away all the time. Still worrying about offending him, still want him to like me.

Sigh.

[iamlost]

I always thought of H as the bright little star I had managed to catch, and was desperately trying to stop if wander away all the time. Still worrying about offending him, still want him to like me.

Maybe you like a challenge, maybe you wanted him so much because you never really "had" him, but the truth is, a woman of your strength and caliber is the bright star that I see in this relationship, not your H. Someday, someone will be really lucky and happy to find & catch you, you just have to believe that you are worth that.

[happycamper]

You know, my head knows that, but inside I still think he's intelligent, attractive, charming, extrovert, charismatic - he could have any woman he wants (and he does - apart from me now, obviously!!). Still in awe of him.

[happycamper]

So I decided to set some boundaries, mostly for me, to help to detach.

Things like

- I won't assume he'll be here in the evenings unless he says so, won't cook or get food for him

- No flirting/inappropriate touching

- if we are having a conversation about R or the children, no texting or taking calls from others (ie her)

- can't have an EA with him

- separate beds (have made up mattress on the floor)

He went upstairs, saw the mattress, and freaked out! Why did I need to do that? Why was it a problem for me? It's not a problem for him! Really cross with me!! He said he might as well just move out now... (eh?) What was the point in coming home at weekends? (uh, for the children?!) He said that seeing as his gf has just had an operation (ie no sex) and we're not close (ie no sex) he's had time to be alone and think, and weigh things up (H does a scales movement with his hands)...

Weigh up what?? Whether he wants to be here or not?? It seems it is ok for H to move on with his life (as in gf) but not for me (as in separate beds). All of a sudden he is showing some emotion - the first time really... Maybe the thought of being with only one woman (ie no EA with me) is too frightening for him?!

**lightbulb goes on**

Of course, because seeing someone else isn't detaching from me, is it? He's been seeing someone else and me for a long time. If I am now visibly detaching from him, it's freaking him out.

Well well.

[iamlost]

So I decided to set some boundaries, mostly for me, to help to detach...it's freaking him out.

I think you hit the nail right on the head. He's been cake-eating for so long, and you just scooped the frosting off. Prepare for some foot-stamping.