Can you and NG say more about "to some deree they can't figure out why they are doing what they are going / they can't control what they are doing"? I'm not sure I understand this, though I've heard reference to it before.
I am no expert on any of this by far and I've never taken a psychology course of any kind in my life (not in HS, not in college, not in graduate school). But from what I've read about mlc and depression, I think my H became depressed and he hid it, probably from himself too, but the depression causes him to feel not quite right, something is missing. I believe it is probably worse when everything in their life "should be" so wonderful (great and successful job/career, great healthy well adjusted kids, no money worries, beautiful wife (my H's words) who is not clingy at all and gives a lot of free reign, etc., etc.) and yet they still feel this emptiness, hopelessness, a hole in their life. So he thinks, if it isn't the job causing my feelings, or the kids, and it couldn't possibly be that I am depressed or have anything remotely wrong with me because I've always been strong and stable (compared to the rest of my family) -- it must be my marriage! But yet on some level, they know it is not the M, they just don't want to face it because that means they have to face themselves and admit that there must be some work they have to do on themselves.
I think depression is a big factor in all this. Read up on depression purr. I need to read more about it myself. I sort of concentrated on mlc (read the Conway books if you haven't already), and now I want to know more specifically about depression.
After saying all that I hope it doesn't sound like I don't take any responsibility for where I am at now. I think I was a good wife, but I was far from perfect. I did not realize how important it was to figure out what my H's needs are and meet them as well as making sure my needs were being met. I was too busy being on autopilot as a mom, a professional, and someone who felt totally responsible for doing the things to keep the household running.
Anyway, back to the depression thing...I think the depressed mind is in sort of a fog (my H had even referred to his own mind being in a cloud, fuzzy, in turmoil). My H also stated to me once that he is not crazy or in a mlc, but yet on at least three different occasions since the bomb (before and after that statement) has asked me "am I crazy?"
I don't know Purr, it is hard to understand, especially because I don't think I have ever been depressed before (sad and down yes, but never long-term depressed).
I do know we have to detach from their confused, sad state, and detach from the actions they take to try and feel good.
(((hugs)))
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
