Moved out Sunday...very upset.

[JennyB]

lovehopefaith,

I do have a few things I could email him about at this point. I just feel like I have always put myself out on a limb, and he has never had to do any of the work. I suppose its unreasonable at this point to expect anything from him. I'll have to think about the idea of contacting him, and let it sink in. I have asked a couple of people what I should do, and they all say - DO NOT CONTACT HIM! My mom is the only one who thinks I should.

When I read you situation, I feel like I am reading about my H, and it convinces me more and more that the possibility of depression is very real. H has become a stranger to me at this point, it's like someone has taken over his body...weird.

I'll be watching for updates in your posts...

J

[JennyB]

I am starting to panic lately...

It has been 7 weeks since he last contacted me, and even then it was only about the house closing...

When parted the last time, I asked him what his plan was as far as the divorce, and he said that he would settle into his new place, and then move things forward. I feel like I am waiting in pins and needles for the divorce papers. Since there is no contact, how do I possibly do any DB'ing?

It has been 11 months since he told me, and only the last 7 weeks has he officially been on his own. Part of me wants to see how long he would go until he contacted me again, another part of me wants to email him about the loose ends we have to tie up concerning house stuff...and see what kind of reception I get from him.

My heart is aching. I also am trying to be objective about how bad things were leading up to his decision. He was very self absorbed for a long time, and just did what he wanted, without including me. I also know that when someone is depressed (diagnosed or not...) they act in ways they never thought they would.

So, I'm officially 'gone dark'. How long should I do this before I make contact???

[lovehopefaith]

JennyB,

Do you have any mutual friends that can give you a clue to how he is, what he is doing? Are you close to his family at all? If you don't want to e-mail him personally maybe it would ease your mind to check up on him in another way.

Also, if you have serious questions maybe you could leave a post in a moderator's thread, or I think if you click Notify, they will get it and perhaps respond with some good advice.

[JennyB]

It seems that all we have are mutual friends...

All of the friends say that he doesn't talk about anything, and just hangs out with the guys and drinks. No one asks, and H doesn't tell.

As far as his family, I was close with them, especially his mom. She was having a very hard time with all of this. Contact stopped just after Christmas, but there is no bad blood or anger...i know - sounds weird. She continues to be in severe denial about all of this.

All I can gather is that he is living like a bachelor right now (just like when we were married), and minimizing any responsibility...just like when he was 21. Must be nice.

[JennyB]

I feel like its time to give up. This no contact thing is killing me.

[pisces9]

contact a DB coach for one session. they are truly amazing!

[JennyB]

I have been thinking of that...I have to figure out the finances first...I have also read the books.

For now, I'll just rely on everyone here...

It's just over 8 weeks since he had initiated contact so=ince th ehouse sold, and just over 11 months since he told me he wanted a D. On August 26th, it will be a year. Months back he said that he coulden't divorce me fast enough, yet no sign of the papers...

Am I foolish not to file for D myself? It's not what I want to do.

[ms ladybug]

If you don't want to file for divorce, why would you?

DB is about doing what works, which for everyone may be slightly different. You've gone dark and stayed dark, and still nothing. Something's not working. It may be that he just flat out doesn't care anymore. OR, he may be waiting to see if you still care.

I would send out a very non-threatening email. Don't make it about tying up loose ends, or he may think you want to move the divorce along. Maybe something along the lines of..."I ran into Jack the other day and he asked how you were doing. I told him I don't know. How ARE you doing?"

[JennyB]

I am fully willing to do that. In the past when he has walked away, I have always been the one to initiate contact. I always wondered that if I hadn't done that, if he would have ever contacted me himself.

I also don't want to 'ruin' the time I have gone dark...know what I mean?

[ms ladybug]

Ruin what? You've been dark for 8 weeks now? And, it's not working. You would ruin it if you told him you've been crying for 8 months, and missing him, and pining over him, and that you have an alter with his pictures where you burn candles and pray that he'll come home (you don't, do you?). Anyways, that's the crazy stuff that make them run. A simple, innocent email is not going to ruin anything.