Oldtimers: Return or not..what finally happened?

[Sanderika]

Thank you Barb.....

I do love my H with all my heart. In my heart I know we belong together and I truly believe we are soul mates. I have had to overcome so much of what he has done already. 35.5 months is a very long time. Things have happened in the past 35.5 months that I won't even touch on because it is water under the dam now. I have stood by him, stayed to support him and have been faithful to him because of my deep love for him. This man is inside of me. He always will be.

In my heart I have forgiven him for all of this, I look at this as something H had to do. Right or wrong H has to go thru this in his life, it's too bad I am down in the well with him on this MLC rollercoaster. I hold no grudge against him. I verbalize this every morning before getting out of bed: "I forgive my H for what he is going to do today". My only hope is that we will learn from this and grow in experience and in turn we will reunite in a more loving, compassionate manner. 24 Years M is too precious to throw away. I still believe that he loves me but is still way too caught up in this MLC to see/admit it. After being together 29 years it is not in the realm for me to D.

If my H comes back and I can be certain the OW is out of the picture and there is no contact I can be fine. I am certain that H will not come back if the OW is in the picture. OW is an all or nothing type. I will never forget about this as long as I live whether we reunite or not. If I forget this happened, there will be no lesson learned and the marriage will not survive. I am however a very disciplined person and this sitch will never be brought up by me, and that is more than a promise. I currently never speak or throw inuendos about the OW to my H EVER. IT is a taboo in my world.

Sex with my H is wonderful. I never turn him down so I am open to the idea of it even though I know she is in picture. After we have sex I am enlightened and filled with hope that we are not done with our M. It keeps our friendship alive as well. I do become sad if I have not been with him as is the case right now. I have not been with him since 7/11/08 and frankly I am worried about this funk he is in now. I analyze it and wonder why 24/7. It does leave me wondering if, for instance, this past time (7/11/08) will be the last time. I know there is OW (GERM) and it is always possible that her hold is growing.

Another thought (this one is strange for me, but I will be honest) is like this: "THERE YOU OW-GERM, YOUR BF ISN'T FAITHFUL TO YOU AND YOU ARE GETTING EXACTLY WHAT YOU DESERVE, YOU DON'T DESERVE BETTER". I have various versions of this idea. OW does not know we have been together sexually between 1/3/06 and 7/11/08. One of us would die.

It hurts that we don't do together or family things. I won't say we never have in the past 35.5 months but it is very infrequent and it doesn't amount to much. I have learned to accept this for now and I know it is because of the OW. H can't be seen with me for fear OW will find out. Very small town here.

I know that H would be home if he wanted to be here. MLC is still ruling. For some reason, and this is what I am trying to figure out, H comes and goes in baby steps and OW gets the lions share of quality time. I have said that H told me he loves the OW. I keep the hope that H will realize he already has what he wants and that is his life with me and S12.

I will again be honest.....I am scared to death!!!!!!

I do not want to be alone anymore.

I do not want to parent S12 alone anymore.

I want to grow old and retire with my H and be Grammy and Grampa with my H together.

I do not want to risk going down this road again. My heart is so broken from this that I will not risk it again.

I am financially secure so money is not a fear.

I have parented alone for 3 years...I know I can do it I just don't want to.

I am very responsible and independant and self sufficient, It is not a need but rather a want to have him back with us.

I truly do not want to move forward without him.

I understand what I want right now he does not...That is what makes me scared and sad. I want him to want me, us, home. It is not that I need him to want me, us, home.

I rehearse in my mind that I should file for a D. If I file it is me taking the risk of getting what I don't want. I rehearse all the time that I will simply tell him: "I do not see a reconciliation is possible for us because of your choices. I can not bring us back together alone. I am going to file, as a courtesy I would like you to choose the manner in which you are served the papers. I wish you well, I will always be respectful towards you and I will be your friend. The only thing I ask in return is you have respect towards me".

I am at a crossroads for sure...the fact that the 4th year is right on the horizon actually is not a satisfying thought at all.

Thank you for your advice....

Sanderika