2 steps forward, 3 back

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Hope is what got me through last time he left. I was the same at first then rallied while reading the book. I don't feel like there is any hope now.

I am on vac this week so I have the kids during the day and he gets them Weds, Thurs, Sundays, and every other Mon so we are exactly 50/50. The babysitter comes to our house so he drops them off every morning by 7:30, even during school. He is the first one home each night so he takes them to his father's and they eat dinner with the GF. If it is my night I pick them up. I freaked out last week because she was there. I walked up to her Mon, stuck out my arm and said I wanted to introduce myself, said my name and nice to meet you. Tuesday her car was there but I didn't see them. I spent those 2 days on the lawn calling support from all my friends and crying hysterically to anyone who would listen. Then I called and left a VM stating if he is not alone when I pick up the kids to have the courtesy/decency to let me know and I will pick them up at the corner. I changed my schedule to get out early Thurs so I could come home to relive the babysitter and not have to pick them up over there. This week I told him I will feed them each night then on his 3 nights he can come get them. I tolt him this morning I didn't want to be his enemy I want to be civil. He dropped of my D8 yesterday at the front door and had her ring the bell-by the time I got to the door he was gone- she said he parked down the street, GF was w/him. He said he wasn't avoiding me but was avoiding the scene and had to go to the bathroom. I told him I had a bathroom in the house. He said no matter what he did I would have complained. I know I keep saying wrong things but I cannot help it. If i could just flip a switch. He has moved much of his stuff out but some is still here. He has bought many new clothes and looks different now. I just cannot imagine there being any hope.