Question for butterflymom

[Sanderika]

Treese,

The pain I feel I also feel for my S. Our kids know what is going on and they accept it but it not a good thing. This turmoil and their Dad's actions and choices will affect them throughout their entire lives. That causes me even more pain and I am sure you feel the same way.

My H has really messed up with S12...For example in the last 209 Days (2008 only) my H has seen S12 only 31 times. My S is feeling so abandoned and neglected by Dad. He claims it doesn't even matter to him anymore either he sees him or he doesn't. He has learned to have no expectations. He never calls his Dad. He very rarely talks about his Dad with me unless I bring him up for some reason. His Dad never calls to just speak to him.

5 out of the 31 times were what I call quality visits. My S broke his arm on 5/2/08 and H came over for 3 days in a row. My S Birthday was Memorial Weekend and H took him to the Motor Sports store for gifts and then a pizza. Last Saturday he came and dirt biked with him for 4 hours. Now I know my S broke his arm but he got the green light 60 days ago to resume activities. One of the gifts was trading in S's little dirt bike for a larger one. 60 Days ago he got the green light and it took H 60 days to get over here and get him out on that bike. I can't count how many times H would say to me I got to do that with S....WELL YEAH!!!!

This is a reason why I know that when my H comes over here at least once a week it is generally to see me and not our S.

I will not insist on visitation schedule between S and H. I know that S will end up hurt and right now he is in a good place. My S and I are both in IC. My S feels safe knowing I am here for the duration and I offer him as much support as I can. I do admit I have troubles some times....I have never been a 12 yr old boy!!!! It sure would be better if H would step up and be a Dad.

I have heard from close friends (believe what you want, I know) that OW will not let H see S for her fear that H will see me. OW is a very controlling, insecure, jealous GERM. Same friends have told me that OW will not even let him near my street. OW is so afraid of H contact with me that I am certain that is why H never sees S. OW HAS NEVER MET MY S EITHER IN THE PAST 35.5 MONTHS. Now I also think that very odd if this R is serious, H would have insisted that S meet OW by now, aren't I right??

I am quite afraid of this recent funk though. I am trying to analyze his moves this time. Probably shouldn't but this is one of the things that I do. I think about this 24/7. It has become an obsession in my thoughts only though. I have been having a very hard time sleeping in the past two weeks and I know it is because I have not been with my H since 7/11/08. The time passing makes me very uneasy. I will not call him though.

When H sees me I am confident, friendly, kind, loving. My house inside and out is clean and tidy. I GAL and he hears about it around town. I do not answer the phone every time he calls me either. Let him wonder what I am up to. I try to be spontaneous and laugh when he is around. When we have sex, I make sure he goes away a happy boy. Now the same friends I mentioned above have told me that H says I am way better in the sex department than OW. I have been told details that I will keep to myself, but that right there tells me that I have a chance again. Sex is a huge part of a R.

My hopes for the future....H will tell me he loves me. H will come home. H will realize it is where he belongs when he gets here.

Treese, I have been at this so long...I only found this site a few weeks ago. I feel if I had known about all this DB information 35.5 months ago my H would have stayed at home. It is my honest fear that 35.5 months is way too long to reconcile especially since the GERM has also been around for 35.5 months and has no plans or drying up.

Things that I know work are:

No R talking
Sex Appeal...Look sexy, act sexy and smell good, turn them on.
Be friendly and be their friend
Have no expectations
GAL like crazy
Be independant not needy
No nagging ever. Let OW nag (and we know she does)

I changed my entire wardrobe gradually. I started looking for clothes that were younger and very stylish. Added prints and color. Added jewelry that makes his eyes pop. I started to wear belts and tight fitting shirts to show him my figure. I paint my toenails and got a very pretty simple gold band toe ring. When I know he is coming I change if I have to to reek of sex appeal. He only sees me looking hot, and I know he loves it. The MLC is all about being younger and behaving younger and I know my H wants his woman to look and act younger so that is one of my 180's. I have succeeded and you know I feel better and I have received many compliments. Another thing, I have long brown hair that I always wore in a ponytail or a twist. When H sees me now my hair is down and long. Add the clothes, jewelry and style and he likes what he sees.

Now I realize he isn't running a marathon to get here, but I feel if he likes what he sees it is a positive.

Sanderika