Chris - this sucks for you and I wish it were different. But the real clincher here is your kids. Nobody deserves any of this but especially not your kids and from their mother no less. I am sorry. I marvel that she's ignoring such YOUNG kids too. As a mommy I can't fathom it.

But just to vent may I say the terms "convert" and "lifestyle" are repulsive to me. I am not a Presbeterian thinking about becoming a Jew and as to lifestyle??? You mean like having a career, paying taxes and having children? Yeah, that's my "lifestyle" and I'd venture to say it doesn't differ from Sandi's very darn much. And my spouse is cheating on me, breaking her commitments and it hurts like hell. Some lifestyle.

But that's about me and this is your thread. Just want to make sure people know we are not dealing with some cult here, just people. Most people who get involved with people whom they KNOW are married are NOT TOO HEALTHY EMOTIONALLY. And when they don't have children they can lack a certain empathy for the way that changes commitment. Now, about women: as you probably know it's more about emotion and connectedness than sex. Some people would call it passion (I'd call it immaturity).

On the one hand it's the zebra thing: it don't matter who she's cheating with, she's cheating. On the other, since it's a woman and we know women are about emotional connection that gives you a headstart on understanding what W finds attractive about OW. This provides you a potential strategy for bringing your wife back toward you. As to how to implement that? Not sure. I'll think on it today.

I think it may be important to play a certain kind of stoic hardball when it comes to the kids. You know your wife is ACOA and not working toward curing those past hurts. In fact she's out building up a new set of hurts for everyone. So is she the best person for them right now? No. Do everything you can to take care of the kids and if need be, protect them from their mother. Them being around OW is not good, and not because she's lesbian, because she's such a whack job that she's involved with a married woman. If she were a man it would still be wrong for your wife to have the kids around him...(confusing sentence but it boils down to ZEBRA and the kids should NOT be spending time with the zebra)

Stoic hardball: you "wife, our children are small and need full time parenting so much as we are able to provide it. I feel that your sleeping away from home and being out until all hours is not effective parenting. Your drinking worries me and makes me question your ability to be an effective parent right now. Your choices show me that you are not able to be effective at this time. I will do everything in my power to provide the best home for my children and the most stable parent." (singular, might get her attention)
W: what do you mean, are you threatening me?
you: "no, I'm stating facts and I am telling you that I will base my actions on those facts. If that means having the majority of custody I will pursue primary custody if we go to court ("if" leaves the door open to her wake up call - you don't have to go, you could fix this).

etc etc...not mad when you talk, factual. (easier said than done)

and have you touched your wife lately? Remember her "friend" probably showed her friendship by gentle touching (Sandi wasn't completely off base in her description of tender "sympathy")
Your wife needs to know that you would touch her outside of sex (of course you would but this is not someone who is thinking clearly) She needs to remember that you have a whole "relationship" based on mutual affection and a family in common. Your wife has probably even used the trite phrase "we can be friends" (WTF? Do ya screw your friends over? but...anyway)

I'm rambling but you get the idea.

Now that I have converted you all to my lifestyle I will get back to cleaning house. sheesh!

I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it.
Stubby