On the bumpy road towards found...

[iamlost]

Seriously, are we twins?!

Yes.

We don't have insurance over here som I am not really familiar with the system - is it something to do with medical care??

Yeah, unfortunately, if your job doesn't provide you insurance for medical care here in the U.S. (which mine doesn't, didn't think I needed it when I took the job because I was covered under H) it's REALLY, REALLY expensive, like hundreds of dollars a month. Since we've separated our finances, and I'm responsible now for all my own living expenses, I can't afford it.

Men can't take going over and over something without a solution, they eventually back off and do something to end it themselves.

Agreed. He's really impatient right now about finding some kind of closure because he thinks it will make him happy. He's also, as he's told me, "dealt with loss before."

I know that we're not supposed to analyze our spouses or our childhoods, but I do think these things come into play. I believe the idea that as adults we recreate the same patterns that we grew up with, looking for resolutions.

My H had a difficult childhood, his parents divorced when he was 7, and his dad basically abandoned the family at that point, both physically and financially (it's debatable whether he was ever there emotionally). His mom really struggled trying to raise him and his brothers on her own. H remembers eating microwave popcorn for dinner at times, because they didn't have any other food. She drank to ease the pain, but was never at the point of alcoholism. She's a great woman, and did the absolute best she could.

H's father waltzed back into his life in his late teens, and although I've grown to love his dad, he's objectively not a very nice person or father. He has a bad temper, a mean sense of humor, and few emotional skills. He's feared more than he's loved, and in this way, I'm glad that he wasn't around when H was growing up. H's brother's pretty much hate him, but H insists that there's no point in being angry with him.

His father has tried to make up for his lack of being a father with belated material gifts to his sons, ALL of which have strings attached.

All of this I think factors into the dynamics of H's issues (including sexual ones), his insecurities, his wanting to run--he desperately doesn't want to hurt me, but can't help himself almost.

I know some of you have probably been thinking, given all these issues plus the other ones, why did she get involved with this guy in the first place? Why doesn't she run like hell now that's she's got a chance?

The truth is that I see something very special in my H, and I think everyone--everyone--is damaged in some way, including me. He's the first man I met that I truly wanted to marry--because he inspires me. He has a lot going for him, including being extremely handsome, intelligent and one of the most interesting and witty people I have ever met (a survival skill he's honed to perfection). In some ways, I worship the ground he walks on, and he used to feel the same way about me.

He has so much potential, WE have so much potential, that I want to see him set free of his chains. Unfortunately, I think I've added some chains, and I OWE him taking those away as well. My own family dynamic has created in me a person who wants to help, fix, rescue, stick with people against all odds, but is also judgemental and desires control, and has a lot of insecurities as well. (See? Damaged, too.)

How very interesting though that he was waiting in the car round the corner!

Yeah, he knew I was going out to get some wine. He tried to play it off, not very convincingly. Actually, the more I think about it, I think me telling him I was going to get some wine set him off more than me being exasperated--see above comment re: his mom. The idea that he might be driving me to drink makes him crazy with guilt, he hates the idea that I might "drink alone".

And I ask why, and he says, "I just have too many insecurities and issues that I can't burden another person with, plus you add on the expectations of having children and building a house (which were our dreams, that he felt he couldn't reach) and it just becomes impossible for me."

My main focus with regards to this is something Sage said in that post you referred me to that the spouses need to feel pride in returning to their relationships. Guilt and shame are poison to relationships and somehow we need to find a way to alleviate some of those feelings bit by bit.

And I said, "but I don't care about that. I just want you." And he says, really incredulously, "Why?!"

It's funny because I can understand why they are incredulous that we still feel this way. It is because they are ruled by shame and guilt IMO. They can't see the bigger picture, they just see their actions.

The only thing that I can think to do is keep standing, and not abandon him. But I feel like it's like trying to fight a hurricane or something--HOW do I battle his past, the pain in our relationship? The man had some seriously complicated walls built before I even came on the scene. I was invited behind them somewhat, but now he's catapulted me over to the outside again.

I just feel tired today.

Sorry for the HUGE post. Had a lot on my mind, I guess.