Today was better than yesterday. I didn't feel so down No talk with the kids yet, so another weekend has gone by.
I think when he actually moves out I will be able to move to a new level of detachment. The thought also won't leave my head that once he puts the kids through that, I don't know if I'd want him back anyway. I mean I think I probably would, but there is alot I'd have to see from him. I don't even know him right now. I don't want to rub his face in anything, it isn't that. But I would need to see him looking within himself and working on what's inside him before there could be any working on us -- and I just don't know if he would be able to do that.
I guess him saying he has been living a lie his whole life really got to me. Combined with me hearing him in the past say that he doesn't think he ever romantically loved me. He sure was a good actor for 18 years.
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Embrace the pain..then let it go
Thanks for that peace! That is what I try to do. I am so aware of my pain and yet I am happy that I don't feel depressed or hopeless for myself like I think my H does. That in some ways must be worse.
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
I guess him saying he has been living a lie his whole life really got to me. Combined with me hearing him in the past say that he doesn't think he ever romantically loved me. He sure was a good actor for 18 years.
Don't believe him. He's trying to justify his decision to leave-to you and to himself.
Has he been moving stuff out to the new condo? Does he stay there over night at all? If so, have the kids been asking about him?
Oh- and it there any chance that you and the kids can go on the family trip without him? It makes me mad that he made that decision on his own.
I usually don't believe him at all. But once in awhile, I just wonder. I guess I could look at the letters/cards he used to write me and the pictures of us before all this started to remind myself that we did used to be extremely happy, but I think it would just make me sad right now.
I saw Sex and the City last week and Charlotte gets sad because her life is so perfect and she feels like something bad is just going to happen because she is so happy. I remember feeling so like that. I would look around and be so thankful for everything I had and then I'd think my life is just too good to be true, something bad is going to happen. At the time, I would get scared that the "something bad" would be the health or death of someone close to me, never ever thinking an A would be it. Then I'd tell myself, my H has lost both his parents within 15 months of each other, that is the "something bad". This mlc stuff is certainly something you can't possibly imagine unless either you or your spouse is going through it.
New, I don't notice that he has moved anything to the condo. I think he stayed there while me and the kids were away because he was never at home when we called him there and he only called us from his cell phone, even late at night. He told me has has bought some furniture.
The kids and I just got back from Colorado for 10 days so we did have that trip. It is too late now for our beach trip. H and I have gone there for 10 summers straight so it makes me sad that it isn't happening.
H mentioned wanting to take the kids to a closer beach for a couple days during that week "since you got to take them on 2 vacations by yourself" (he was referring to Spring Break and Colorado). I guess that is his prespective, but i find that so odd. Both those trips were meant to be FAMILY vacations for all of us - he chose not to come. He wouldn't commit to doing either, so I planned each vacation then before booking gave him another chance to say he would come. He had an excuse both times so we went anyway.
I told him that I didn't think it would be right to tell the kids he is moving out and then immediately take them on vacation by just himself. We chose not to tell them before I took them to Colorado because we didn't think that was right. I told him once things have settled down, they'd probably like to go away with him.
So, maybe it will be this weekend that he wants to tell them.
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
My sense about the question of whether he loved you romantically or not is nonsense. If someone just has no feelings in that realm, things don't hold up anywhere near 18 years, and besides you would be feeling something wrong too. Probably, there was some kind of a gradual change that happened more recently, but he can't remember exactly when it began, so that's why he explains it in the way he does. Well, and of course, the A might just have something to do with the history re-writing, hey? A lot harder to rationalize that kind of behaviour if you are still acknowledging your full feelings for your W.
I'm sorry you are going through all this. I can relate to when you say there were times where things just felt so great...I experienced these as times where I didn't feel the R. was perfect, but times where I just felt very lucky and very content to be with my W. That is why I know I didn't take it all for granted--I appreciated her presence in my life regularly.
NG, I completely relate to the feeling that life is too perfect and something bad is going to happen. That's how I felt too about my M. In retrospect, I think I knew that something wasn't right--I just didn't know what it was.
My H also says all kinds of stuff about our R--how he's been unhappy for a few months, then it's a few years, then it's our entire M. The fact that he changes his timeline every time is, to me, proof that he's full of it.
I think I've said this before, but it feels better to me to have H living elsewhere. It's still hard and I have moments of agony, but trying to get through daily life for months while he was here but not really here was worse.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
I think when he actually moves out I will be able to move to a new level of detachment.
I remember the day I moved out. October 2000. I fell back on my bed and let out a huge sigh of relief. The tension that I had endured for 3 months was over. It did help to detach a bit, but that came and went. What it did was to keep things out of my face 24/7 and that was much needed relief.
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But I would need to see him looking within himself and working on what's inside him before there could be any working on us
This is so true of any of us. The DB book tells use we have to break destructive habits if we are to save the relationship.
peace,
That quote is great. So many of us chose only to feel the pain. and thus were not able to let it go.
NG I too was relieved when H left The energy in the house became peaceful D 13- S 7 and I bonded closer
Maybe try (hard as it is ) to not focus on his possible leaving keep PMA and see what happens he has stalled for a very long time He may not be able to go theu with it?? peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
From my last thread, last Monday night, in the middle of the night after we (or at least I) had fallen asleep, H rubbed my leg, then had his arm draped over my waist. I snuggled in closer but not really too close and after 5-10 minutes he slowly rolled over away from me.
Last night the same thing happened. This time I snuggled in closer but not really too close and as he ever so slightly caressed my side I did the same to his arm. I opened my eyes and looked to his face. It was dark, but I believe he was looking at me back. We again didn’t say a word and he again after a time rolled away from me. As we were looking at each other, I so badly wanted to ask if he was awake, but I didn’t. As he found and settled into his new position, his hand touched mine and he slowly moved his hand away from mine.
He had been out celebrating a case he just settled and so I know he had been drinking. Again, as last week, he didn’t say anything this morning, except that he had a headache.
In the larger context of things I don’t think it is any kind of “baby step”. I don’t even want to try and interpret what it means because I am sure I’d be wrong. And yet I feel like I need to interpret it in order to know how to respond. Then again it may never happen again and so what is the point.
I’d love to show him that I want to meet his needs and I would be fulfilling my physical needs as well (no one had ever satisfied me like my H has!), but I believe that I would be emotionally devastated in the morning. I am not THAT detached. It would be different if I were getting even a glimmer of emotional connection from him during the daylight hours, but there is absolutely none. He has rented a condo and is wanting to move out and has never outwardly shown me any desire to work on our M with me. I do want to ML to my H and I do desire him so much, but it is him, the deeper part of him that is hidden away right now, not the shell that I can only see. All that, and he had been drinking. So there is not much more to say about that, I probably responded how I needed to.
If he was reaching out to me in some non-sexual way, then I probably responded how I needed to as well. I want him to know that I am open to him, that I believe in him, that I can forgive him, that I have learned from all this, that I want to be with him, the him that I think he is deep down. Maybe me looking at him and not looking away scared him, like I was waiting for something. Maybe I could have asked “are you okay?” and that could have opened a door for him to talk to me. Maybe it was all done in some kind of drunken stupor and he didn’t know what he was doing at all and doesn’t remember any of it. Maybe now after writing this out I can stop my mind from trying to interpret it all.
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
It all comes down to that I hate that the kids are going to have to go through this. But I don't want him to stay just for the kids sake. I want him to stay because he wants to make our marriage work like I do and is willing to do the hard work to find his happiness and peace within himself so that even more happiness is created between us.
peace, I think he may be stalling because he doesn't want to hurt the kids
I wish we could just send them away to a place where there are no outside influences and they are forced to find their inner peace and happiness, then with a clear mind they could determine how they want to live the second half of their life
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
