My H and ow are BOTH to blame. She knew he was not available. She was an aquaintence (sp?) of ours. She was even told by friends and MIL that their so called "friendship" was going to ruin our M. She was asked by me to stay away from my H. Did she listen? No. Hey, I even found her in my home with my H. She probably made out on my couch (the couch smelled of her perfume, my bed wasn't touched) with my H while our wedding photos were hanging above.
She was not innocent. Yes it was my H that broke our vows but I have no desire to ever face this ow again. She has no respect for anyone's wedding vows and no respect for marriage. She is a selfish person.
It's true. Since I have been single again I have faced this situation many times, men hitting on me and then finding out they are in a relationship already but, "unhappy," etc. I never had any desire to get involved and often found much joy in giving them a lecture. Once they realized they had no chance, they would switch the conversation to a therapy session and the truth would come out. Mostly they just seemed extremely selfish, thinking they did nothing wrong in their R and it was the other person's fault. Why they didn't end the relationship always had a lame excuse -oh, I'm going to or something like that. The point is I could have been OW. But even when I was at my lowest low, isolated, lonely, hurt and desperate, I still didn't go there. What it takes is being selfish.
But the sporting activity would not be by accident as H plans to tell me if she's coming...therefore it takes the element of surprise out, right ?!
Cinders, it is a public place, therefore your H can take her there.
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So, if she's guilty of anything it's of not having had any respect for 'a marriage'.
So what. Happens every day.
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The little evil voice in me, can only hope that one day she will hurt as much as I have, when another ow walks into their lives...yet I know that it will not take away the pain that I have had.
I understand that. I know OM would have been hurt if he ran into me at a certain point int time. But like you said it wouldn't change anything for you. And what makes you think another OW will walk in. But this is not a good train of thought for you or anyone else and the sooner you decide (yes, you decide) to stop thinking like this, the better off you will be. See Cinders nothing I have been trying to say to you has anything to do with anyone but you. It is a good goal for any of us to become detached from a situation which pains us.
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My H is the type of person who would love nothing more than for me and ow to become great friends and pals so that he can spend more time over here, WITH her. I do not want such a life. It's something I have no interest in.
You do not have to be friends. But when the occasion arises that you are in the same place at the same time, you should be cordial. See when there are situations where we are in the same place at the same time, no one can ever think poorly of me.
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I think I will just see how life unveils itself to me, and not worry about all the 'what if's'
That is exactly what I am saying to you. Don't worry about the what ifs, because that is exactly what you are doing.
He obviously available or else he would have never started the affair.
Look. I know how easy it is to blame the OP. We all do it. It doesn't change anything. It keeps our anger going. Don't you want it to stop? But I am trying to give you something to shoot for. You lives can be better than they ever were. I know this. I and many of my friends are living proof. As time goes on, you will look back and see signs that you never noticed before.
The sooner you get past the hurt and anger, the sooner you will truly move forward. And that is a plus for you. And if there is even the slightest chance that you marriage will be saved getting over that hurt and anger will get you there sooner.
Right...I get all you say, yet every bone in my body still aches at the thought of detaching in such a way. I'd feel like a doormat in a way..but that is personal.
I'm sure you are right, but maybe you didn't love your wife with as much passion as I love my H. I don't know...no 2 loves are the same.
I live the moment, and yes I do discuss possibilities now and again, I see no harm in wondering about that.
I know you feel my H has made a decision and may stick to it. Yes he may. He thought the same when he married me. It didn't happen. For now he is with ow. No one knows what the future brings. I like it that way, it leaves numerous possibilities open.
For now I 'decide' to just live and enjoy my life and kids and friends and family. Something I have been doing for a while. I have not set any boundaries on H except about the kids being on the internet. We have only discussed what would happen if I were at the same place as ow. Oh yes, I have set a boundary...I do not want her on my property. This is my safe haven. I do not go and visit her at home either or park in front of her house ....
Urgh, getting angry at this, because I am made to think about it. I don't want to think about this, it's not WORTH it !
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Urgh, getting angry at this, because I am made to think about it. I don't want to think about this, it's not WORTH it !
Actually, Cinders, one of the reasons I stop by your thread from time to time and one of the reasons I stay away for a while is because all I ever see you doing is thinking about this stuff.
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I'm sure you are right, but maybe you didn't love your wife with as much passion as I love my H. I don't know...no 2 loves are the same.
That is an extremely unfair statement to make to anyone who has ever been here and it was said to demean.
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For now I 'decide' to just live and enjoy my life and kids and friends and family.
That is all well and good. But what are your personal goals.
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For now he is with ow. No one knows what the future brings. I like it that way, it leaves numerous possibilities open.
Actually, this is something I never think about. I know life has all limitless possibilities. There are so many possibilities, that it doesn't make sense to think of any of them. Now what makes sense is to set goals for a direction in your life regardless of what those possibilities may be. But your statement about OW was made with one possibility in mind, i.e. you want to see her hurt. Does you no good whatsoever.
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Oh yes, I have set a boundary...I do not want her on my property. This is my safe haven. I do not go and visit her at home either or park in front of her house ....
maybe you didn't love your wife with as much passion as I love my H. I don't know...no 2 loves are the same.
Cinders i do beleive i sense a touch of bitterness and bitchyness with this comment. you can not say such things especially since you have no idea how to measure love. you are begining to concern me.
Well, to be honest yes it was meant in an angry way. I am so sick of you knowing it all Imp. You do not hold the KEY here. None of us does.
I HAVE a life, it may not be the one you would chose but it is the one I chose.
Yes I still hurt like HELL, and maybe that means I'm stuck, and maybe that will keep me stuck forever. Is that not EXACTLY what others must let go ?! Don't we do that to our spouses accept their choices and let go ?!
I am really tired of being sweet to you and 'taking' all your 'very well meant comments' they anger me. Maybe because there is truth in them, maybe because there really isn't.
And Happy, I am very sorry if in 7000 posts I finally sound a little bit bitter and not so sweet anymore. I am tired of this, I truly am. I don't know where to go and it is at these crossroads that I have always seemed to make the 'wrong' choices.
I don't want people to just come over and post all sweetness and praise. But I am not ready to have SO MUCH 'truth' thrown at me.
It has been too much, for too long. And yes, I too can break.
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
