Another one joins the flock (Part II)

[Mike85]

Just had a *really* uncomfortable talk with wife.

She came to pick up the kids and said she needed to talk to me quickly about "nothing that's a big deal." We went upstairs and she casually said that she wanted to take the kids on the week-long camping trip we had scheduled a year ago with another family. OM would be taking my spot. That would mean that I wouldn't see my kids all week.

I had told her three weeks ago that I wasn't going to permit her to have the kids on my three custody days (T-Th). I don't know why she thought I'd change my mind. She tried arguing that oldest son had been looking forward to this trip for a year, and I countered that with the fact that he still thought that it was going to include *me*.

She was visibly pissed off. Civil, but pissed off.

At my last session with our C, C told me that to this point, wife had been in control and calling all the shots. She asked when and where I would stand my ground instead of acquiescing.

Well, this was it.

I *could* have argued that the whole "replacing daddy with [OM]" would send a confusing and morally inappropriate message to our kids and the kids of our friends, but I chose not to argue that route. Instead, I again pointed out that it would be unfair to me and my sons to have us forfeit my three custody days and that the original invitation a year ago was extended to our family (which included me, not OM) and that our sons still thought that I'd be going. Since wife's current modification of the plan involved a) excluding me and b) having me forfeit my three custody days, I am choosing to not go along with it. I also pointed out how I'd turned down invitations from friends and family to take kids to their out-of-state homes when they were scheduled for HER custody dates, so I expected reciprocity.

I said that I understood that she was disappointed and probably angry, but that I wasn't going to change my mind on this. She kept staring at me (probably to see if I'd waver), then said, 'Well, I guess that's it." She grabbed the kids, bantering in a friendly way with me in front of them... but when departure time came, no hug or kiss.

Like I said, she was pissed.

Just to make sure my bases were covered, I called my friend Dave (the extender of the original camping invite) to give him a head's up on my decision and wife's resulting mood. Dave knew weeks ago that I was opposed to wife & OM taking the kids, had assumed that now just wife & OM were going, and was shocked that she would try to sweet-talk me into changing my mind. I reiterated my decision, made it clear that I had *not* changed my mind, and told him of the dire legal consequences for all involved should wife & OM try to sneak out of state with the kids anyway. He appreciated the head's up.

I realized that at some point uncomfortable issues like this would crop up and that I would have to make a decision/stand that W might dislike, but I refuse to just let her and OM have their way on everything just to be amicable. To this point, she HAS called all the shots. At least the issue in which I chose to make my stand was one that is important. And I think I did it in a non-judgmental, non-confrontational way. Hopefully, she'll understand my decision, even if she doesn't like it.

na:
No, wife hasn't talked to son's C. C expressed his opinion on where son's negative attitude came based, even in his own statements, from his prior experience with OTHER folks. He came right out and described kids as being clueless blank slates, who form negative opinions on OP almost solely on LBS's words.