losing sunshine but gaining happiness either way

[LosingSunshine]

Hi LS, just didn't want you to think that I had forgotten about you. I just haven't really known what to say due to the stitch.

Thanks again (((Sandi))). I am in the dark about this as well and trying my best to navigate with the help of DR, you all here and my C. I know I can be a blockhead when it comes to listening to the advice here but like Mike and I have been posting about, she is moving this way to fast which requires my approach to be somewhat dynamic, yet stable, IMO.

This is just an idea I have b/c I really know nothing about that lifesyle. However, if your W has lived as a W and mother, then met this OW (as a "friend") but the OW is really a lesbian......I'm thinking the OW has gradually pulled your W over to that lifestyle......emtionally. I don't think it is like a male/female type of A and they meet and have sex for the first time....tearing each other's clothes off and can't get to each other fast enough. I would think the OW would have to work very gradually on your W......by offering her "emotional" support. Then as time goes by and they get closer friends and the OW is giving your W emotional fulfillment......slowly there is some hugs, some hair touching, maybe a kiss on the cheek.....very subtle stuff. What I'm saying is that the OW knows that she has to "convert" your W over to that lifestyle, so it has to be done very slowly and gently or she will scare away and run back to you.

I think you are right here. Eventhough my W may have expressed interest in a threesome and at times was "turned on" with some things, I don't think she would have ever considered herself lesbian or even bi for that matter. Given her emotional confusion and emptiness, those needs are obviously being met by the OW. Not sure how far things have gone. But my C had an interesting thought this morning. He basically said that on Friday, when I told OW that I heard her and her partner split, that it was basically a wink that said, hey, I am suspicious of what is going on between you and my W. Now, couple that with my W telling me Saturday am that on Friday night, she was an emotional wreck and now wants to move out ASAP, I think he's right. I think I am right that something unhealthy is going on there.

Apparently, your W doesn't know much more than I do if she had to buy some books to read about it. However, it doesn't mean that she has actually had physical sex with the OW yet. Don't know....just a guess.

As Stubby posted Friday...is she learning about her new friend or learning how to play with her new friend. Hmmm.

I don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes.....all the wrong things probably. Man, I hate this for you so much.

I don't know what to do, DB wise outside of what I am doing for me. Can't focus on communication/emotion stuff since she's never around but making the best of every opportunity. Staying strong for my kids, keeping them the focus of every action to the best I can and still hoping for some type of win win with whatever outcome I am dealt. Of course L is pushing for win lose so dealing with that as well.

Talking about her giving you excuses not to have sex with you. Did she ever say anything about how she must be "adnormal" b/c she didn't feel, act, or do anything like other women? For an example, when they show a man and woman having sex in a movie.....and the woman is really into it.....did you wife ever make any comments about it not being like that in real life....or that she wished she could be more like that? I just wondered if she had doubted her own sexuality for a while.

Never anything about being "abnormal" or much talk about it at all. Just the excuses about not wanting, but I always had the best chance if she had been drinking :-(

Chris