Well, I've lost 5 pounds--not much but a start! I'm exercising much better but could do better still.
I had a wonderful birthday. It was an absolute quiet but powerful triumph! My H was so sweet and affectionate plus turned into a tiger in the bedroom! We had about 2 months of getting along really well. Relaxed, laughing lots, happy!
My H has been working a lot which had gotten more comfortable for me almost like it used to be in the pre-D-day days. Then we went to an office party... A little background might help. In the course of "peacing" my H agreed to tell me about his contacts with female friends and to not go out alone with women even professionally. (I asked for the former but not the later, that was his idea.) Had a great time at the party but one woman told me that she had asked my H out while they were at a conference. He didn’t go and I do not think that she had any ill motive but if that had happened to me I would just in the course of normal conversation say something about it to my h--no big deal. Also my h told me he had declined an invitation to leave for the party early with "the guys" and he had told them he had more work to do. When we saw the guy who invited him the guy said my h declined saying he had to pick me up and there was a strong implication that I am some kind of big oppressor.
I decided to tell my h that this had brought up some tough feelings for me and thought I did a good job in the way I presented it. I told him that this made me realize that I am still insecure about him being forthcoming about his interactions with others and with how he feels about me. I thought he would understand, say something reassuring, I’d own the problem and thank him for his support, and we’d go on to have a nice evening. That is not what happened. He was still very upset the next night but was talking. He is working this weekend, and has to go in very early—which he hates--but now for two nights he has given me the silent treatment.
In the meantime, I found out that my H’s female friend whom I had been most concerned about for a while (had a few posts about her!) told another friend during that same time frame that she had a low opinion of me. My H’s friend had never had a conversation with me at that point. All she knew about me had come from my H. I’ve gotten to know her now a bit, in fact, she is a best friend and I’m a good friend with a woman who just lost her husband, so we’ve seen each other during some emotionally charged times, and I think she has changed her mind about me. Even I can see that it would do no good to bring this one up! I think that my H’s problems with himself make it hard for him to see people who are close to him in a positive light. It is very difficult when the person you thought was going to be your biggest fan turns out to talk badly about you behind your back to women who make goo-goo eyes at him. This is just not the stuff that builds trust. Like I need to tell you all!!!
But the really good news is that I am feeling pretty darned centered. I haven’t figured out what to do to help the situation but probably for the first time since D-day this level of stress is not throwing me AND I am not buying into his fantasy of me. I am not a bad person, a controlling ogre, or the wife from hell. I am OK. I am even feeling fairly compassionate toward him. I will stay the loving but strong in herself adult while he goes through this. I used to be very strong and steady and I can see that I am getting me back. I am all that I need. However it would be nice to get that strong enough that I don’t have to journal all day during these times... I’ve got things to do! He will probably come around and that will be nice.
