Well, I've lost 5 pounds--not much but a start! I'm exercising much better but could do better still.
I had a wonderful birthday. It was an absolute quiet but powerful triumph! My H was so sweet and affectionate plus turned into a tiger in the bedroom! We had about 2 months of getting along really well. Relaxed, laughing lots, happy!
My H has been working a lot which had gotten more comfortable for me almost like it used to be in the pre-D-day days. Then we went to an office party... A little background might help. In the course of "peacing" my H agreed to tell me about his contacts with female friends and to not go out alone with women even professionally. (I asked for the former but not the later, that was his idea.) Had a great time at the party but one woman told me that she had asked my H out while they were at a conference. He didn’t go and I do not think that she had any ill motive but if that had happened to me I would just in the course of normal conversation say something about it to my h--no big deal. Also my h told me he had declined an invitation to leave for the party early with "the guys" and he had told them he had more work to do. When we saw the guy who invited him the guy said my h declined saying he had to pick me up and there was a strong implication that I am some kind of big oppressor.
I decided to tell my h that this had brought up some tough feelings for me and thought I did a good job in the way I presented it. I told him that this made me realize that I am still insecure about him being forthcoming about his interactions with others and with how he feels about me. I thought he would understand, say something reassuring, I’d own the problem and thank him for his support, and we’d go on to have a nice evening. That is not what happened. He was still very upset the next night but was talking. He is working this weekend, and has to go in very early—which he hates--but now for two nights he has given me the silent treatment.
In the meantime, I found out that my H’s female friend whom I had been most concerned about for a while (had a few posts about her!) told another friend during that same time frame that she had a low opinion of me. My H’s friend had never had a conversation with me at that point. All she knew about me had come from my H. I’ve gotten to know her now a bit, in fact, she is a best friend and I’m a good friend with a woman who just lost her husband, so we’ve seen each other during some emotionally charged times, and I think she has changed her mind about me. Even I can see that it would do no good to bring this one up! I think that my H’s problems with himself make it hard for him to see people who are close to him in a positive light. It is very difficult when the person you thought was going to be your biggest fan turns out to talk badly about you behind your back to women who make goo-goo eyes at him. This is just not the stuff that builds trust. Like I need to tell you all!!!
But the really good news is that I am feeling pretty darned centered. I haven’t figured out what to do to help the situation but probably for the first time since D-day this level of stress is not throwing me AND I am not buying into his fantasy of me. I am not a bad person, a controlling ogre, or the wife from hell. I am OK. I am even feeling fairly compassionate toward him. I will stay the loving but strong in herself adult while he goes through this. I used to be very strong and steady and I can see that I am getting me back. I am all that I need. However it would be nice to get that strong enough that I don’t have to journal all day during these times... I’ve got things to do! He will probably come around and that will be nice.
Not sure I fit into the "dear friends" category just yet, but WTH! I just love being #1!
Also, thought I'd mention that it seems VERY common for our H's/S's to paint a much more negative picture of than is the truth. After all, that allows them more sympathy, lets them get "out" of things they'd maybe rather not do anyway without looking liked "wimps". Shifts the blame. Is that fair to us? Of COURSE not!
I think you approached this the right way. Not sure why your H got his back up. Maybe the old ways are hard to give up? I mean it worked for so long (Can't do that...SHE wouldnt' approve, poor me!) that maybe it's something of a default response.
Perhaps you might want to reassure him in a calm moment that you really don't want to RULE every interaction he has and don't want to play "Mommie" to him. NOT a good dymanic.
For a time after the "bombs" my H went overboard on getting my "approval" for all kinds of little things: going out, going on the computer etc. It was a little annoying after a while! I finally told him (in a letter) that I really CANNOT control what he decides to do, who he sees, or calls, and I don't want to be the one to do so. That's HIS job!
So somehow you two need to get to a place where your H does feel more comfortable mentioning things (like the invites) in a truthful manner. It might mean you biting your tongue a few times so that he can learn first hand that his honesty won't come back to bite him on the A$$!
Hi Shiny, With all those kind words, I think you qualify for dear friend. I have been visiting this place a long, long time-- about 3 1/2 years. I've recieved a lot and felt a lot of love from/for others here and boy have I learned a lot! I am very grateful for finding this site and these folks!
I am feeling so centered--it's great. I am not stifling my feelings. I can feel angry about this silent treatment, afterall I have never done that to him, and I'm feeling lots of other understandable emotions. But I can work it all the way out to a very calm attitude. He has never been able to express anger and I think he's making up for it with me. But I'm just letting that anger go right by me. I can see that he's surprised by that. Tonight I made him a very nice dinner and watched tv near him while he read. He can be as angry as he needs to be for as long as he needs to be. I'm just going to go about my life, be kind to him, give him plenty of space, but also be available. I'm going to be Ms Rock of Gilbrata, steady, dependable, emotionally self sufficient, and caring. I am actually feeling mostly happy because finally, finally I think I've really made some progress with getting the me I love back. There is nothing better than that! I love the guy but he has to chose his behavior with other people and with me. I'm simply not going to let his behavior choices mess me up! That does neither of us any good! And since I am the designated worker on the relationship. If I go down we both do. It is a good thing I'm strong! (Couldn't say that a while back!)
Y’know something? His anger is his problem. Your reaction to it is yours. I don’t like the idea of giving someone the cold shoulder. It’s a manipulative thing to do. But having said that, I have to admit that I’ve indulged in behaviour that could be (and was) construed as cold shoulder. I never intended it that way, but my way of dealing with anger was to stew for awhile until it went away. I didn’t give sufficient thought as to how it looked to W.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that if your H gets mad for awhile, it’s OK as long as he doesn’t save it up to use against you later. In other words, I think your attitude is the right one. If he’s mad, let him be mad. Then let him handle his anger in his own way.
Forgive him, and let him forgive you.
That’s what love is about.
I saw a quote on another thread. Don’t know the source, but it went something like this:
A good friend is someone who turns a blind eye to your faults. A cherished friend doesn’t even see them.
Andy, you dear sweetheart! Prepare to receive a hug of joy!!! (((((((((((((((((((Andy))))))))))))))))))))
It was so dangerous for my H to express anger as a kid that he avoided close relationships altogether much of his life. He is terrified of anger. Anger equaled violence in his home. For him to be angry to my face is actually a step in the right direction.
I, on the other hand, can get plenty angry that he hasn't gotten his poopy together and thrown in out yet. I'm doing a great job (if I do say so myself she said as she knocked on wood) of feeling what I feel but then getting real centered, realistic and making a solution centered plan. Actually, for him to be angry and self righteous (that self righteous stuff has the potential to really get me--much worse than his anger) and then for him to see that I can steadily keep a positive image of myself (THE big problem in the past) AND love him right through it is undoubtedly something he has never experienced before. This HAS to lead somewhere positive it's practically a law of physics!
It helps hugely to have the support of the thinking and, especially, the people of this site. This is hard but I really am getting it. So what if I'm a lit t l e s l o w !!!
I am amazed at how well hanging on to this new level of being centered, come hell or high water, got us quickly back on course. My H was his loveable self again last night.
One thing perhaps I'm starting to understand is that while I just about have to talk everything out to somebody, he does a lot of purely internal processing and acting it out rather than using words. He spoke so gratefully of our life together last night. I don't know how he went from where he was to where he got and I'm absolutely certain that he will get all mad and pouty again but hopefully I will remember how to be lovingly kind to both of us when that happens again.
I just love being #1!