In search of ButterflyMom and Favoriteweirdo......

[butterflymom]

TCBTE – I have put my thoughts within the letter in bold.

}Well, I'm not sure this is perfect, and I'm sure there is too much "fluff," but the following is my letter to H (let the edits begin):

This is a very difficult letter to write. I have agonized over the right thing to do for months, I have attempted to get you to talk to me, but have failed, and I keep coming back to the need to write this. I know that at this point I take the risk of pushing you away forever, but I know if there is a possibility of having a future together, I have to write this letter.

I know that our relationship has never been perfect. I know that we are both to blame for that. I have been willing to take more than my share of the blame, because I know that I have a lot of deficiencies when it comes to communication, and I have made a lot of mistakes. Despite not being perfect, I have always loved you. The love that I feel in my heart, is the kind of love that is so deep a part of me that I have felt that you were a part of me. I have failed to express my love in many ways. I have failed at making you understand or appreciate my love for you. For that I am sorry.

I know that you have always had a problem with being honest with me. I know that you have always felt it easier to stretch the truth, "round up," or tell me something different from the truth to either make me happy, protect my feelings, or spare yourself from my reaction. Drop this. Blame. Not the time or place for it. This letter is not meant to correct all your relationship problems in one fell swoop. Tackle one thing at a time. Letting him know that you know. Period. I will take some of the blame for that as well. I know that I have a history of over-reacting; being overly critical; and speak before I think. Unfortunately, when the truth surfaces it hurts much more than learning the truth in the beginning.

I know that my approach two years ago was wrong. I know that I blind-sided you with an accusation. I know that I was angry and critical, and betrayed your trust by looking into your cell phone records. But, even though I know my approach was wrong, I know in my heart that what I believed to be true was true. I spent many months questioning why or how THIS could happen. I blamed myself for everything, because after all, you were the one that didn't want US, and that had to be because of me. You also did your part by pointing out all of the things that I have done wrong or handled wrong for the last 20 years. You singled out some very bad times that we had, without recognizing the good times. Blaming. Not the time for it. This letter should be factual, to the point. Basically, I know about your affair, I know who she is. I’ve known for x amount of time.

I have done a lot of self examination over the last two years, and identified a lot of faults that I have. I have come to an understanding about what is important to me. I know that I have to be happy with myself, and that is my priority at this point. I also know that there is nothing more important than our children and their happiness will always come first. This is OK, and would be OK to tell him at this point if you really mean it. Words on paper have to be backed up by actions – work on those faults for YOURSELF.

I don't know how inolved you were with OW when I made that accusation two years ago, but I know there was something there. I felt the break in our connection, and I felt you gradually but steadily pulling away from me. You can continue to deny it. You can continue to avoid the fact that we are HERE in part because of your feelings for her, but you need to know that I KNOW. I have let you re-write our history. I have let you blame THIS on you being miserable in our marriage for years, I have let you tell me that you just don't love me anymore, you don't have what it takes, or you just don't want to work on US. I have allowed you to make me doubt the last 29 years of my life, but I will not do that anymore. I have known for a long time. In some way, in my gut, I think I knew when you denied it 2 years ago. I know that THIS is not just about US. I know you want to say all this, but now is not the time. There may be time for this later, but blaming right now will get you no where. I would leave out this entire paragraph. Write a separate letter and burn it, but stay away from the blame for right now.

I told myself from the beginning that if something like this would ever happen to me I would be walking out the door in a minute. Even two years ago, I told myself that if I found out that I was right, I would be out the door, with our kids, and spare no efforts to make things difficult for you. That was before I had this time to think, to examine the depth of my feelings for you, and to appreciate how important it is to keep our family together.

I can only imagine the conflicting feelings that you must have. I know there is no way I can understand them. I am confident that you have turned our marriage into much less than what it was in order to justify your feelings for OW. I am confident that all of the bad things have multiplied in your mind to the point that you don't remember the good. Do not make assumptions about what he is feeling. You really have NO WAY to know this. I would leave that part out totally. I also know that the way I have dealt with this, and with all of the emotion involved, I have become a less attractive choice. I can only hope that there is a small part of you that continues to love me. I know that only you can make the choice on what you want for your future, and that you cannot return to me out of guilt or obligation.

I know that she has recently divorced her husband. I know that she has two children of her own to raise. I suspect that you are feeling pressure from her at this point. I can't imagine that what you could have with her could be stronger than what we have had, the family that we have created, and all that we have accomplished together. It is hard for me to imagine that you can find a person you are willing to change your whole life for ---- as a result of taking an extra job to support your family. It's hard to imagine that the one person you could change your life for just so happened to be working at XXXX. I am deeply saddened that you were able to turn to someone else during what was probably the hardest test of our marriage and a very difficult time in my life, and I can only imagine how you got to that point. As I have said for months, this is not you. You say here it’s not him, yet your statements in the next paragraph totally contradict that statement. Your letter will sound insincere and false to him. Don’t assume she’s putting pressure on him. Don’t bad mouth her in any way shape or form. It will bite you in the butt. Leave her out of it totally other than to say you know she exists and who she is.

I am writing this letter because I know if we can ever have a future together, you will need to be honest with me. If we are ever to have a future together you will need to return to me in an attempt to reconnect and re-establish your feelings for me. I am writing this letter to let you know that I am here, that I know the issues you are faced with, and if and when you are ready, I am willing to do the work to put us and our family back together. You have said that you don't think what we could achieve would be worth the effort, but by saying that you are selling us short. You are overlooking what we have already overcome and accomplished. You are underestimating the value of saving our family. You are ignoring the feelings that I know you still have for me, and you are avoiding and denying the feelings I have for you. You, you you. WAY too many “You” statements here. Stick with “I” statements. You sounds very blaming, very accusatory. It will turn him off very quickly and he will tune your letter out.

I have had problems dealing with scheduling time with the kids for a lot of reasons, knowing and avoiding the need to write this letter was one of them. I will not change my attitude where the kids are concerned----they need us both, and I will work to find a schedule that will work for us both, but I will continue to ask for understanding and compassion for what this is doing to me. I do not intend to broadcast to the world what I know, and haven't, with respect for our children.

This letter should be factual, to the point. Basically, I know about your affair, I know who she is. I’ve known for x amount of time and I’m not going to expose it. You can also say that you think your marriage has a chance and you will be willing to work on it if he is. The scheduling about the kids is OK too. I know there is a LOT you WANT to say, but honestly it won’t do any good at this point. The general tone of your letter is very accusatory and blaming. I would take out most of it and just leave the facts. You will lose him with all this and your main point will not be taken. I know you want to tell him so much, but it will fall on deaf ears. Trust me. Been there, done that. It’s like talking to a brick wall. Nothing you can say or write will make a difference right now. Stick to the facts and you will be much better off. Are there any boundaries you wish to set with regards to him having an affair? Boundaries regarding your interactions with him, boundaries regarding the kids, etc etc? This letter would be the place for those to be stated as well. Take the emotion out of the letter and make it a factual recitation of the situation.

BFM