On the bumpy road towards found...

[JCJ]

Hi Lost

Sorry for my lateness in posting to you! I'm going to go back to your talk on your previous thread.

In retrospect, I should have called the whole thing off cause I'm sick with a cold. And probably PMSing to boot. BAAAD combo.

Seriously, are we twins?! I'm exactly the same, have a stinking cold and PMT and really pleased now that my h did cancel the weekend. I think we need to be in tip top conditions for these interactions. Don't ever be afraid to put him off in future. You need to be at your best to handle these things.

We don't have insurance over here som I am not really familiar with the system - is it something to do with medical care?? I take it that it is important anyway. Sometimes I know that with my h we have fundementally different ideas attached to the importance of some issues and he really doesn't get how important something is to me unless he can see how I would be negativly affected by not having it. I think you did a good job in explaining that you needed it and that is why he agreed as he could see you reasoning. He showed empathy for you.

So, we kept trying to talk about this stuff for another hour or so (we just should have stopped waaaay before), but kept getting off track and fighting because both of our emotions were so keyed up. Finally, I said something to him in an exasperated voice, and he just blew up and walked out, saying, "THIS is why I left!"

That's ok, you'll know for next time when to just stop. When it gets past a certain point, then do something to end the conversation. Men can't take going over and over something without a solution, they eventually back off and do something to end it themselves. That is all his hurtful comment was. How very interesting though that he was waiting in the car round the corner!

And I ask why, and he says, "I just have too many insecurities and issues that I can't burden another person with, plus you add on the expectations of having children and building a house (which were our dreams, that he felt he couldn't reach) and it just becomes impossible for me."

I don't have an answer for this because as you know my h struggles with the same thing. My main focus with regards to this is something Sage said in that post you referred me to that the spouses need to feel pride in returning to their relationships. Guilt and shame are poison to relationships and somehow we need to find a way to alleviate some of those feelings bit by bit.

And I said, "but I don't care about that. I just want you." And he says, really incredulously, "Why?!" And I said, "Because I love you. Because I've been walking around feeling like part of me has died for the last four months." I wanted to say, "Because you're my soulmate," but I just didn't have the guts.

It's funny because I can understand why they are incredulous that we still feel this way. It is because they are ruled by shame and guilt IMO. They can't see the bigger picture, they just see their actions.

Lost, I think you did really well overall. You handled it like a champ! I also agree with Pisces that this all screams that he doesn't want it, he just doesn't know what else to do.