WAW and OM

[sandi2]

Hi Rodney, I can't remember you saying anything abour reading the DR book yet. Have you? It is so important that you get the Divorce Remedy Book by Michelle. You are going to do all the wrong things and really screw up your chances of your wife coming back home.

In the mean time, I guess I have to apologize and try and make it up to her. I don't know what that will look like or what I will do but I have to try.

Why do you have to apologize? She is sleeping with another man! What were you going to apologzie for? The fact that she chose to be with other man rather than be a mother to her son? Rodney, sweetie, you really do need our help. It is very important that you try to do what we suggest to you, okay?

First, you must not show any signs of weakness to her. Okay, so you had a quarrel in front of the child......it is over. You didn't do anymore than what she did.....so don't bring it up again. You can't do anything that shows that you are trying to cling to her or that you are "needy" b/c this turns a WAW completely off about her H. Be strong like an alpha male. That does not mean to act like a bully or be abusive in any way. If you are not sure about all that, then I suggest you read the What Makes her Happy on the Internet. You receive free email letters and it will be an eye opener for you about women and what they want.

Okay, you went over to in-laws for dinner, but next time if/when she invites you to anything, you need to be unavailable. You need to get a life without her in it. She needs to see you becoming more of an interesting person. Don't sit by the phone hoping she is going to call. Don't call her and don't send emails or TM. Don't use your son as an excuse to contact her. This is a common mistake couples with small children make. Don't try to force her to be a mother to her son. Don't lay guilt trips on her about not being with him enough, etc. Do start documenting everytime she does not take him on the days she is suppose to. Don't tell her what you are doing, but this is to protect you in case you should need it later.

Rodney, she needs to miss you and you are not allowing her to do that b/c she is either at your house or she is asking you to go over there. But when she has a chance to see OM, that is where she will be! Don't let her use you like that. Have other plans if she calls and wants to come over. You don't lie to her, but if she asks about your plans, just be a little mysterous about it. That helps to add interest for her about you. When she calls, "act as if" you are in a hurry and have something you have to do so you can say good-bye first. Never hang on waiting to see if she will say something more. If she emails or TM, don't respond for a while. That shows her that you are not hanging by a thread waiting for her to give you the time of day. Fill your time up with other things. Mostly you will be giving your attention to your son. But on the days she has him, make it your business to be all spruced up and looking like you have somewhere special to go. In fact, look that way everytime she sees you. Is she asks about it......just act aloof with your short answers....as though you were kind of putting her off. But, don't be rude. Change the subject quickly. You can always tell her, "......hummmm, just driving around", or tell her you are going to see a friend (if that is the truth)but don't try to make her jealous by making her think it is a woman friend. That is not good. Go walk around the mall, or whatever. Don't lie and don't try to make her jealous. When she ask what friend, just look at her and smile and change the subject. It is none of her business what you are doing to get a life. But, she will be curious as to what you are doing. You may even tell her that you thought it was time that you got a life. But don't tell her one bit more! Don't tell her that you are working on being a better man or anything like that. BTW, going to the gym and working out is a great way to get rid of some frustrations and also get a great body at the same time. She is not to know about any of that. She is not to know about anything you do anymore. It is none of her business. If your phone has an ID, don't answer it if you see her calling. Call back in an hour or two to see if it is anything important. Be ready with an "aloof answer" when she asks what you were doing, etc. If you have an answering maching on the phone......do the same thing. You are never to be rude with your aloof answers, but be prepared with something if it is no more than tinkering around the yard, or going somewhere with the son.

The sooner you start to detach emotionally from your W....the better. You think this is the opposite from what you need to be doing, but trust me, it is what you have got to do quickly. She needs space away from you. She needs time away from you. While she is away from you, you take a good long look at the man you have become and see what you need to do to be the best man you can be....then start to work on those changes.

Never do anything that shows you pursuing her. Don't talk about the R or anything that would make her feel guilt or put pressure on her. You are hurting your own chances each time this happens. Your whole purpose is to "draw her back to you" and you do this by becoming attractive in your behavior, attitude, unavailability, being interesting by getting a life, taking pride in your appearance, acting as if you are going to be fine with or without her in your life, keeping an upbeat attitude and acting as if you enjoy everything you do, and most of all.....by giving her very, very little of your time and attention. Women want what they can't have. If she thinks you are not very interested in her or you don't have time for her........it will draw her closer to you. When you pull back.....it will draw her closer. If you pursue her.....she will back away. Remember that rule! Don't buy her gifts or treat anniversaries, etc., like you did when she was living with you. You and she are S and that is how you need to treat the stitch. Don't chase after her and she will eventually start to pursue you. Don't spy on her or ask friends and family about her or what she is doing.

Again, Rodney, you never tell her what you are doing. This is your game plan and you don't give it to her. Do you have the DR book by Michelle? Are you reading other threads on the board?

If or when she talks to you, look in her eyes and show interest. But, don't give her sad, puppy dog looks. Don't follow her around if she does come by the house. When she talk about her feelings, validate them and if you don't agree and they are not what she should be feeling, then say that you are sorry she feels that way, but don't get into an argument with her. If you don't know what to say when you need to validate her feelings....then just nod your head.....but look at her so she will know you are really listening to her.

Okay, set up some personal goals you want to work toward. These goals are not to be about her. Don't have anything about her in your goals....make them about you. Then tell us what they are. Make some long term goals and then the short term as to how you will reach those goals.

I will be anxious to hear from you again. Please keep posting. You can come here to pour out your feelings instead of to her. It is important that you keep coming back. Sometimes you may just want to "journal" how you feel or what has happen that day. When you do.....say in the beginning, "I am journaling", so we will know that you are not asking for advice, but just talking about how you feel, etc.

Take care of yourself by eating a good diet and exercising. Get plenty of sleep....even if you have to take some over the counter sleep aids to help. You don't want anything to knock you out--due to the baby being there with you. But it is important to get enough sleep and it's hard when one is going through this stuff.

Talk to you later. Try to have a positive day as best you can.

Sandi