You say you trust him now and you're 100% sure, but that would be very hard. He used your trust to get away with it before. Now he may not get that this is an issue of respect in your mind. It sounds like you're saying he has to make an effort to be above reproach, and just not cheating is not good enough. You want him to be seen making an effort by others, not just you, so it's understood that he respects you.
He may not intend any disrespect, but he is showing it.
What's his crew like? It really sounds like a lot of his infidelity was tied to partying with the crew. You've told us about the woman who worked for him--what about the guys? Do you think they liked him better when he was carousing more? Do they really care whether he stays out to all hours at a bar with them?
I'm not making an excuse for him, I'm wondering whether he uses the crew as his excuse. Also, whether the crews, not just the women you worry about as potential affairs, are working against you right now.
~Wow Bear very insighful... you know I never really was able to put my finger on it but yes he did use my trust against me thank you for that!
THE CREW And yeah that is another Soap Opera/ Novella... the crew and my Hubby... it has been his excuse for what seems like forever... and it has caused many , many problems for us.
THE OW~ never worked for him although he did have an EA~ with one that worked in his bosses office....
Even worse the OW~ was /is still his Sisters BFF ( BEST FRIEND FOREVER )
WOW JUST HAD A THOUGHT .. I COULD WRITE A d*mn MEXICAN NOVELLA~
ANYWAY....
5~ YEP THEY STARTED DRINKING WHEN THEY WERE FISHING!
~NTE... How did you know I had the whip cream out ... you forgot to mention the chocolate syrup and sprinkles....
FIB~ Thanks for being there for me ... you are a sweetheart! You all make me remember that I am worth every ounce of RESPECT that I am "squeezing" out of him...
He is getting better he is just a work in progress... ugh!
I had to work and then today I didnt cook at all he did and I went to a local yearly event called "ART IN the PARK" lots of vendors and I had a good day... So I wanted to post but I figured I would soak up the spoiling for awhile...
You guys are the best and I really am blessed to have your male POV~
Thanks Alimari, I just finished reading the thread of yours that you recommended that I read. It was very helpful, Thank You.
I see now what I should be doing. I think what I have been trying to do was the LRT and detaching. But that is pretty much more of the same with me/us. Now, I think what I need to be doing is 180, and for me that would be being more affectionate and Physical touch. I am going to move slowly in this direction though. Maybe just a little touch or a hug every day, Which would be a lot for us at this point. I don't want to scare him off or think I am pressuring him. Yesterday we were watching a movie on TV, I got up to sit next to him on the couch at one point, rather close to him, touching him. I told him if he felt uncomfortable or awkward I would move, he laughed and said No he was fine and that he could see that I was trying. That was a good exchange right ? He didn't ask me to move, and he said he could tell that I am trying.
Thanks again, Shelby
Me:43 H:43 T:20 YRS M:15 YRS Bomb: 6/9/08 Bomb#2 7/6/10 Served with papers at work 7/13/10 DD:14, DD:11
Hi Ali...I don't have much to add I just wanted to pop in and say hello and I hope you had a good weekend...I hope you and H have patched things up or you got to tell him how you felt at least....
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
You have so many things working against you. I don't see how you keep winning, but I'm cheering for you. You're like the Mal Reynolds of being married. I know this "BFF" thing works differently for women, but I have a sister who's married with a beautiful daughter. Her husband's a decent guy. If I found out one of my friends was sleeping with my married sister, I can't think of a way not to tell that guy to hit the road. How do you remain friends after that? What could you talk about that wouldn't eventually come back to "Hey, how come you wrecked my sister's marriage, anyway?"
(I know it's not all the "other person's" fault, but still.)
You have so many things working against you. I don't see how you keep winning, but I'm cheering for you.
You're telling me!~ I agree with you ,,, I am not one of those Women who will just use the BFF card. I have a friend who I have known now 12 years... when I was preganant with my now 9 year old,,,,
she told me she was cheating and was going to stay cause he bought her whatever she wanted.... balh , blah , blah... ( THEY ALSO HAD 2 DAUGHTERS)
I told her... YOU CANT DO THAT... IT ISNT RIGHT. EVEN IF IT IS GOING TO HURT HIM, IT IS BETTER THAT YOU LEAVE HIM. HE DOESNT DESERVE THIS, AND YOU KNOW IT. IMO~ BUT THATS ME YOU HAVE TO DECIDE FOR YOURSELF. The next day she called me... she told him she wanted a Divorce. She is still single.... and loves it?!
_______________________________________________________________ Also when I went to Mexico this winter for 2 weeks with the hubby and our kids... my SIL~, kept mentioning how the other whore ooops I mean Woman, Was Married and her hubby , blah , blah , blah.... I didnt recall asking about her "lowness"? Was it supposed to make me feel better that she is Married now? WTF? I wanted to say she she was a whore and didnt have any consideration before and now suddenly I am supposed to love her cause she signed a piece of paper and he bought her a ring? PLEASE~
Oh yeah and my Mother in Law. ( she is another prize) informed me that she gives me my place as her sons Wife ( literal translation from spanish) and when the OW called that she wanted t come to the Christmas party she told her "No ".
cause she didnt want to upset me... HMMMMMMMMMM? That never stopped her from inviting the ex girlfriend every other time I have gone down there?
She isnt dumb.. my H was finally putting me first and she knew if she ( MIL) invited the OW , he would be livid with her for hurting me...
I wanted to say to her you know I am not 25 years old anymore and you cant have your way with me anymore. I am almost 37 and I see right thru your bullsh*t.
Ah , Karma..... but that is a whole other twist to this Novella...
OK , so I am going to be super busy these next few days and I feel ok about it. the diet? YUCK... going terrible. My love affair with mexican food and just food in general ... my "BOMB" diet consisted of Cigarettes, Black Coffee and not much else... sometimes a pack a day I might add. And now ? I only smoke occasionally and it makes me dizzy everytime....
HMMM? Id rather be voluptuos....
I feel like this is good and I am allowed to smell the flowers as they say and yet I see that I am still wondering ... why the **** did it take this long?
had I not become enlightened, would I have Divorced and kept making mistakes? Like I said is it the sex that helped cure everything? I think so , but I also know that if I didnt develop the patience of a saint... and learn alot of other skills I was unaware of before he would have continued on... he really would have.
Skills... love isnt enough.. and sex isnt enough... wearing your heart on your sleeve isnt enough either.... whipped cream ( NTE ) isnt enough either. D*man it!
Stilettos they help ... but only for a bit. ( being a smart a** )
,,,,,
What really has worked for me personally is not taking everything he does personally and letting him fal on his face. not fixing evrything for him
I must say he also hit rock botom emotionally ( he never told me this , I just think it to be true) and saw that I really did love him and I have been there for him thru it all and that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. ( the last part he did actualy say to me)
the funny thing is he actually scared me when he said all that. he made me cry tears of JOY.
I had always loved him and put him first he just never saw it that way. I still do but in a different way. I am healthier emotionally today than I have veer been.
When he threw his tyrade the other nit he sort of got me of kilter but like I said it felt different.... I wasnt a puddle of mush on the floor. I was just hurt.
I also think a Male POV is so necessary, IMO~ I throughout my journey have had Male support here and to me I have always seen that as a blessing from GOD. ( I love you Women here too please dont be offended I dont mean any harm, you will see why in a minute here~ )
I am not close to my Dad... Never have been unfortunately! I have no male friends to speak of... never have and dont think I ever will aside from here... ( they cant seem to want to look me in the eye ..( I know DQ just stop being so hot.... )
Even just when one of you guys ( NTE) said not an emotional discussion but a rational one.. something like that....
It stuck~! I mean sure I have been honing ( SP?) my skills but a light went on here. I have been really working on that and now it seems so clear that the more I leave emotion out the more he hears. It is like there is some sort of Male filter.. the more she cries the less he hears or listens .........much less absorbs.
Yesterday for instance.. ( work issue)
he relaxes all weekend and we dont talk shop at all and then he goes out of town yesterday and piles on all these things I have to do... I do not like that. I want my list of things to do ready so I can tackle then first thing in the morning.... had I told him that when he called I would have gotten upset and we may have argued a litle , no biggie. BUT~ instead I waited and around 8pm when he called again....I RATIONALLY ( thanks NTE) told him that I like to be organized and that from now on I am going to approach him on the weekend and see what is up for first thing Monday morning so I am prepared.
he agreed and that was it.. WTF? Is it really that easy if I am not emotional... or was he just in a good mood?
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