Probably too late, you're probably in bed, but I don't think you're being unreasonable. I would say wait until tomorrow (today?) and don't try to talk about it when he walks in the door. Maybe even then, just tell him in the morning that you want to talk about it later.
Whatever you're still mad about then is maybe what's most important to you.
You say you trust him now and you're 100% sure, but that would be very hard. He used your trust to get away with it before. Now he may not get that this is an issue of respect in your mind. It sounds like you're saying he has to make an effort to be above reproach, and just not cheating is not good enough. You want him to be seen making an effort by others, not just you, so it's understood that he respects you.
He may not intend any disrespect, but he is showing it.
What's his crew like? It really sounds like a lot of his infidelity was tied to partying with the crew. You've told us about the woman who worked for him--what about the guys? Do you think they liked him better when he was carousing more? Do they really care whether he stays out to all hours at a bar with them?
I'm not making an excuse for him, I'm wondering whether he uses the crew as his excuse. Also, whether the crews, not just the women you worry about as potential affairs, are working against you right now.
If he was thinking of you and doing the respectful thing, he would have gone fishing then *maybe* afterwards buy the crew a round or two of drinks and that's it. He then could have told the guys he had to go and maybe say he hasn't seen his wife in 2 weeks. SOB's right, guys don't usually care if you stay out at the bar with them... unless you are the one buying the drinks.
Maybe it's the alcohol talking? Once some people get started drinking they just can't stop and time gets away from you when you are inebriated. I'm guessing they started drinking while fishing?
I hope that you can make him understand that respect is just as important (if not more important) as love in a marriage. He really doesn't understand what he has with you Ali. I would not stay out late if I knew you were waiting at home for me. I would also be shouting from the rooftops about blessed I am to have this wonderful woman in my life.
Try not to blow up on him, but for sure let him know that it hurt you that he stayed out late with the guys. You miss him when he is gone for so long and you want to know that you are the most important person in his life... Numero Uno!
Got to agree with 5 here. He blew it, probably some good excuses - got to drinking whatever. However, he should have come home after a couple of rounds. It is really easy to separate at that point without sounding whipped. "Guys, haven't seen the wife in two weeks. Going home to nail that woman!" Pretty crude, but he could have exited with cheers, no face lost and built time with you.
Hopefully this is an oversite on his part and a calm and rational (better for men than emotional) discussion about how this made you feel (and what he missed, had the whipped cream out) will probably have the best effect.
I read one of your posts on another member's thread and it caught my attention. I am at a very low point right now...H is not living in our home and although he still comes around a bit and we've ML he also says that he likes being alone.
Were you and your H ever separated? I seem to be clinging to what I think your story is as you have had success. Could you read me threads and see if you see any hope for me?
Ali...stay cool and calm and collected. I agree with you that it was inappropriate behavior to be in the bar late. I agree with above that you both NEED and DESERVE to discuss this. Stay strong. Piecing is not easy and I hear it always hurts to some degree. Following.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Ok ..... so first I must say thank you all for your support. And yeah Bear by 4 am I was FINALLY SLEEPING~ It took me awhile though... He did come home right away so that was good but he was in a mood....
we did end up having a big juicy fight.... I tried to pretend I was sleeping when he came in but he saw right thru it and started being Rude right away... I didnt want to talk about it cause I felt I wanted to wait, just like you said Bear~ until Morning. I didnt feel like it would come out right if I was angry and hurt still...
he says... OH NOW YOU ARE ASLEEP? and he didnt get it ..... he thought it was ... Jealousy about money about the bar about everything but what I was saying....
I needed him to say just one thing to me and he didnt.
I explained I needed for him to know it felt disrespectful to me. I said this... I need you to hear me and understand that when they ( the drug addict/wh*re) call and hang up ( they here my voice and most of the time hang up ,, to me it is disrespectful that you never say anything to them and allow them to treat me this way. Then to top if off instead of spending any quality time with me you are at a bar and they are there... it hurts my feelings.... I should be hanging out with you not them. And you are always so nice to them that is the kicker! I am not asking you to be rude but it would be nice if you told them to have some [censored] respect. I am respectable...
He was pretty rude in response and said THERE WILL ALWAYS BE EASY ( HE DIDNT USE THAT WORD) WOMEN EVERY WHERE I GO...
( insert picture of me wanting to roll eyes ) but instead I was starting to cry cause he was being belligerent and rude and mean etc etc etc.
True but it doesnt mean he has to be polite to them.
He went on and on and then when I said.. YOU KNOW THIS IS WHY I DIDNT WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT.. CAUSE I SOMEHOW KNEW THIS WOULD BE YOUR RESPONSE...
He goes on to say explain it to me again ...
I said ~ ((((EXACTLY THE SAME THING I SAID IN THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH OVER IN HOPES HE WOULD SOMEHOW JUST GET IT)))) ~
He kept on saying how he works hard and he nearly died ( a trailer did almost crush him)....
so I said ...
YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE NEVER DENIED THAT YOU WORK YOUR ASS OFF, AND I AM SORRY THAT YOU GOT HURT... you made this huge and started arguing. I was polite to you on the phone when I called you at the bar... and you have turned this into an ugly argument when all I wanted was for you to say something like it isnt like that , I will say something , I am sorry I hurt your feelings... anything but this. You know what?
it is ok though... you let me down .. I never expected you to be this rude....I see how it is now.... I wont ever mention this again. I wont... its ok.
He replied .. "oh really?"
HE TOOK OFF HIS RING AND THREW IT TOWARDS ME... ( SHOCK)
And you know I was upset but not as bad as I thought I would be..
I have honestly, I think ,gotten to the place I need to be.. it hurt but it didnt take me down.... I cried quietly thinking all my words had fallen once again on deaf ears....
I have had this conversation many times... I have lost track...
Oh yeah and I told him funny thing you are the one that told me actions speak louder than words and so although you tell me you love me to death and you respect me your actions say otherwise...
I think for me this was the last time ~STRIKE THAT~
I KNOW FOR ME THIS WAS THE LAST TIME I WAS GOING TO PUT UP WITH THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It all came to a head....
I really thought if fell on deaf ears... cause he hasnt said sorry yet and yet his behavior indicates otherwise.
hhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm~
180S.... IN GOOD "DB" FASHION!
Example.. the phone rings... and he says to me ( he was in the other room by the way..... I never even heard it ring it is a cell phone....) HONEY, CAN YOU ANSWER THIS CAUSE I DONT RECOGNIZE THE NUMBER... ( it is hard to explain w/o going into more novella like detail but that meant ALOT~!)
If I had a number scale for the respect he demonstrates I would say it has gone up considerably. On a scale of 1 to 10... he was maybe at 6 before and now he is close to a 9.
So my risk of telling him what I feel has paid off....
It is funny cause even though he took his ring off I am not scared anymore and i will not walk on eggshells again just to please him ... or sugarcoat the [censored] out of everything he does.....
So 2 Gold stars for me and hubby? he gets half of one for effort.... if he keep this up?
Maybe then a whole gold star.....
I am not going to allow his blindness to his faults ruin our bliss... No we arent goin gto ride of into the sunset like ...
happily ever after BUT~ if I give 100% effort then he needs to as well..... not 50/50 but 100% from each of us....
and if you got to the end of my Novella... Please go have yourself... a Margarita~ or a Protein smoothie to re~energize!
Oh and BTW~ the next day when we were doing invoices .. I told D10... Go get Daddys ( A.K.A~* DRAMA KING~!) ring it is on the dresser honey.. she brought it down...
I handed it to him and said here is your ring. I wouldnt have done that 2 years ago...
You guys sure know how to make me smile....
