losing sunshine but gaining happiness either way

[jandn]

Our W's must be related. W did get a short haircut a few weeks ago, she said she looks like a boy. But the wedding night, yea was like pulling teeth for me and I even brought that up one time to her when I was PO a long time ago.

I can relate how much you want this but we still try to find reasons to validate why we dont so we can maybe move on. You are probably feeling the same way like most of the LBS not wanting to be with anybody else than you promised to be with while the WAW is more than likely already put us aside and told themselves its over and ok to be with another person whether that means dating or physically.

[ernest88]

Mike, I hear what you are saying and please keep it coming. I have a lot at stake with some heavy decisions I need to make in the coming days. I know what I want for the kids and I am confused as to whether it is my love of W or fear for my kids future that is making me waffle and be a little indecisive. I am going to pray about it and yet to figure it out here in the next day or so.

Chris, my problem is this. Your W is in a really big hurry. She is trying to control the sitch and speed at which this takes place. This does not happen quickly in most states if kids are involved. In Tennessee it's pretty much 6 months if kids are involved. I do not like her pushing. Something is up in order for her to push this through this fast.

You need boundaries. She needs to abide by those boundaries if she is to live there.

I think you have her between a rock and a hard place.

[LosingSunshine]

Mike,

I agree as I have a problem with how fast this is happening too. My guess is that she is pushing for two reasons. The first is she has always been a person that needs things immediately once she sets her mind on it. Not very patient at all. The next is OW, regardless if it's EA or PA.

I am not sure what else could be up. I am trying not to be naïve but am at a loss for any other reasons.

Now, i'll be calling my L tomorrow to find out if her removing furniture and the kids without my consent is a violation of the temp restraining order the state issues upon filing. Basically the 2nd clause is about disturbing the peace. If not, since she won't respect the boundary that the kids stay in their home until otherwise directed by the court, I might have to have one issued which won't be good...read I am scared and nervous about doing that even though it's right thing to do for my kids.
I am really getting tired of all of this and am getting real close to no longer giving a damn. She is delaying having to deal with the reality of what is gappeneing, obviously not listening to what her L would have advised, and all of this s!?t is going to hit the fan. I am beginning to understand that my caring about this has more to do with my kids and how it may impact them, not about her. I can't fix her. I can't tell her to fix herself. All I can do is pray.

I also decided today not to give her the past from ken's thread snot ACOA. Her problem to realize and fix at tis point. Not mine. I'll be here if she needs me but that is about it

[LosingSunshine]

So today was a fun day. Severe weather in the am, followed be church with the kids, sbux, shopping, naptime and a cookout at a friends. The kids an I got home around 7 and the W was home mowing the lawn. Well, that saves me a chore tomorrow. So I get the kids ready for bed and put them down. The W cleans up and says that she's heading out for the night. Another note in my journal.

So, my sitch began June 17th and she has been ignoring her kids for her new lifestyle/friends. I can probably count on one hand the number of times she's spent quality time with them. Add to this the get out as fast as I can and WTF is going on with her? Argh!

My L says my timeline is golf as it relates to the hearing for temporary custody if we get there. The state looks at the 30 days preceding the filing which is right aroung June 17th. She is either completely out of her mind or thee is something up her sleeve, or she is truly hoping for the settlement. I can't think of anything she can have up her sleeve but do believe she's out of her mind and my L thinks the same. Typically she sees behaviour like this with men and OW. Not W with OP when there are small children.
I want to help her but I know I can't. We both are responsible for what got us here and I am fixing me. She needs to fix herself and deal with the consequences.
Chris

[LosingSunshine]

Mike, one question for you. You said that you think I have her between a rock and a hard place. What do you mean? Us that good or bad? Could it be me and our old M vs her OW and her new search hoe happiness? Okay 3 questions. Thx!

Chris

[sandi2]

Hi LS, just didn't want you to think that I had forgotten about you. I just haven't really known what to say due to the stitch. This is just an idea I have b/c I really know nothing about that lifesyle. However, if your W has lived as a W and mother, then met this OW (as a "friend") but the OW is really a lesbian......I'm thinking the OW has gradually pulled your W over to that lifestyle......emtionally. I don't think it is like a male/female type of A and they meet and have sex for the first time....tearing each other's clothes off and can't get to each other fast enough. I would think the OW would have to work very gradually on your W......by offering her "emotional" support. Then as time goes by and they get closer friends and the OW is giving your W emotional fulfillment......slowly there is some hugs, some hair touching, maybe a kiss on the cheek.....very subtle stuff. What I'm saying is that the OW knows that she has to "convert" your W over to that lifestyle, so it has to be done very slowly and gently or she will scare away and run back to you.

Apparently, your W doesn't know much more than I do if she had to buy some books to read about it. However, it doesn't mean that she has actually had physical sex with the OW yet. Don't know....just a guess.

I don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes.....all the wrong things probably. Man, I hate this for you so much.

Talking about her giving you excuses not to have sex with you. Did she ever say anything about how she must be "adnormal" b/c she didn't feel, act, or do anything like other women? For an example, when they show a man and woman having sex in a movie.....and the woman is really into it.....did you wife ever make any comments about it not being like that in real life....or that she wished she could be more like that? I just wondered if she had doubted her own sexuality for a while.

Sweetie, it's late. Got to go get some sleep. Will be thinking about you.

Take Care,
Sandi

[LosingSunshine]

Thx sandi!!! It's late here too and will respond tomorrow but briefly, the OW is known by many at work as being a manipulator.

[ernest88]

Mike, one question for you. You said that you think I have her between a rock and a hard place.

If I was a L and had your case, I would be licking my chops. If it is happening as you say there's no way a judge will award custody of those kids to your W. Keep documenting, let her do what she is doing. She is hanging herself. DO NOT SHOW YOUR CARDS BEFORE THE LAST HAND IS DEALT.

She continues to think she is in control of the sitch and let her think so.

I think you're in good shape no matter what you decide to do. Especailly the legal side of things.

I would not let her take those kids out of the house. Talk to your L about this.

Hang in there.

[LosingSunshine]

Thx Mike!

I am beginning to see and understand this. Even my L said why 50/50 if you can get something better. Of course I still have the history of my drinking which is what she is using for her extreme cruelty filing bout my L said that's a non issue right now...especially since I have quit for the most part...one minor backslide that will work in my favor actually plus she wrote the complaint all weird as if boy's the reason.

So my big goal today is to stop having compassion for her as that feeling is allowing me to feel guilty and scared.

Heading off to see my C. Should be a good talk.

Chris

[LosingSunshine]

Hi LS, just didn't want you to think that I had forgotten about you. I just haven't really known what to say due to the stitch.

Thanks again (((Sandi))). I am in the dark about this as well and trying my best to navigate with the help of DR, you all here and my C. I know I can be a blockhead when it comes to listening to the advice here but like Mike and I have been posting about, she is moving this way to fast which requires my approach to be somewhat dynamic, yet stable, IMO.

This is just an idea I have b/c I really know nothing about that lifesyle. However, if your W has lived as a W and mother, then met this OW (as a "friend") but the OW is really a lesbian......I'm thinking the OW has gradually pulled your W over to that lifestyle......emtionally. I don't think it is like a male/female type of A and they meet and have sex for the first time....tearing each other's clothes off and can't get to each other fast enough. I would think the OW would have to work very gradually on your W......by offering her "emotional" support. Then as time goes by and they get closer friends and the OW is giving your W emotional fulfillment......slowly there is some hugs, some hair touching, maybe a kiss on the cheek.....very subtle stuff. What I'm saying is that the OW knows that she has to "convert" your W over to that lifestyle, so it has to be done very slowly and gently or she will scare away and run back to you.

I think you are right here. Eventhough my W may have expressed interest in a threesome and at times was "turned on" with some things, I don't think she would have ever considered herself lesbian or even bi for that matter. Given her emotional confusion and emptiness, those needs are obviously being met by the OW. Not sure how far things have gone. But my C had an interesting thought this morning. He basically said that on Friday, when I told OW that I heard her and her partner split, that it was basically a wink that said, hey, I am suspicious of what is going on between you and my W. Now, couple that with my W telling me Saturday am that on Friday night, she was an emotional wreck and now wants to move out ASAP, I think he's right. I think I am right that something unhealthy is going on there.

Apparently, your W doesn't know much more than I do if she had to buy some books to read about it. However, it doesn't mean that she has actually had physical sex with the OW yet. Don't know....just a guess.

As Stubby posted Friday...is she learning about her new friend or learning how to play with her new friend. Hmmm.

I don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes.....all the wrong things probably. Man, I hate this for you so much.

I don't know what to do, DB wise outside of what I am doing for me. Can't focus on communication/emotion stuff since she's never around but making the best of every opportunity. Staying strong for my kids, keeping them the focus of every action to the best I can and still hoping for some type of win win with whatever outcome I am dealt. Of course L is pushing for win lose so dealing with that as well.

Talking about her giving you excuses not to have sex with you. Did she ever say anything about how she must be "adnormal" b/c she didn't feel, act, or do anything like other women? For an example, when they show a man and woman having sex in a movie.....and the woman is really into it.....did you wife ever make any comments about it not being like that in real life....or that she wished she could be more like that? I just wondered if she had doubted her own sexuality for a while.

Never anything about being "abnormal" or much talk about it at all. Just the excuses about not wanting, but I always had the best chance if she had been drinking :-(

Chris