Hi Amy - thanks for stopping in! Yes, ours do seem quite similar. I'll keep checking on you.
NikB, Nik, Nikki... they all work.
Yep, I made the SAME mistakes you did, quit making plans, lost a lot of the GALing, etc. Thank you for the reminder not to do it again. I keep telling myself that and of course, it helps to be reminded.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I have often thought of your sitch and have wondered how you would "know" that you were in the clear. My H and I seem to have tons of R talks (too many really), so I am pretty sure we would discuss where we were at...that, and I would move back into the house. ha!
Anyway, I think back to how you were not so long ago picking out colors for that spare room; and wondering when (or if) you were going to move yourself in there. So, during this sort of limbo time I wondered HOW you would know if you don't actually talk about things. You've come so far!
I couldn't be any happier for you- you so deserve this! And what a wonderful way to "find out" (for lack of a better word) that your husband is 'in'. Just thinking about it again makes me misty.
Yay YOU!
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
NikB - how great - I am so happy for you! I want to be just like you! I would say when I grow up - but I'm way older than you! You have such a chance to live a very happily ever after! Good for you.
Do you think your H was in a MLC or just confused? Sounds like you handled things so well. Did you ever backslide?
Did Nik ever backslide??!??! HAHAHA!
sorry Nik
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
wow Nik! Things are sooooo good for you right now! Isn't it so extremely wonderful to see how when WE change our H's change?!?! And how much we had to go thru to realize it!
I'm so glad about the ring too. Your not going to say anything about it now right? I really don't think you have a reason to. Actions speak louder than words.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
So happy for you. I'd like to write more, but H is sitting opposite me (we're in a B&B in Colorado) on the bed, and I don't have much time.
SO positive. Really, the advice you've received about not backsliding on GAL, PMA, 180s is the best you can get. It's where I get tripped up...still...ugh.
Reading the ring story put a smile on my face. Yay!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Thanks ST - good to know someone else backslid and made it. NikB - good time at the pool - love hearing how you can really put the fun back in the M. The fun is so important.
Keep it up!
Me-48 H-48 Married 25years Sep 12/05 S-24, S-22, S-18, D-12 Dated for 9 months of S, not dating now http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1565826
Trixi I wish I "knew" that.. I really wonder how long it'll take (if it ever happens) that the fear of all this happening again will go away. As Jen_Jam put it once, when will I stop "scanning the skies for bombs"?
But I sure feel a whole lot closer than I did as little as a month ago! So that's good.
ha.. yes, I'm pretty sure you moving back into the house would be a strong sign things are better for you.
ST Who me?? Backslide? never (as I'm about to post about a backslide...)
Circling back to Rusty's question - I don't think it's POSSIBLE to get through life (nevermind "DB'ing") without backslides. The key things I've learned are to recognize them, stop the slide, and pick up and keep going. Trust me, every single one of us who's here in piecing lived through many a backslide.
And yes - I am so excited about all the changes and about the ring too! We did talk about the ring but just the convo I shared, about noticing he was wearing it and him saying it "fit." I didn't talk about the jewelry box thing though. You're right, no need.
SD Thank you!! Aww a B&B sounds really nice. I hope you're enjoying the trip!
You are so right about the GAL, PMA, 180s... I need to remind myself of that every single day if that's what it takes. I know you struggle with it too! Tough not to.
So... awesome weekend that I posted about. It was definitely a great one!!
Sunday night.. backslide, damnit. Not a huge one, but a backslide that I'm frustrated about. Although there are some positives in there too that I'm proud of, so I'll try to build on the good.
So, I have FINALLY just in the last month or so gotten to where hearing the "new text" tone on H's phone doesn't freak me out. I got better over time, but so much of the EAs he had were done via text (and about 99% of his texting was with OW) - it bothered me every time I'd hear that tone. He does text other people too, but even THAT he would halfway hide from me because he knew the incoming text tone bothered me.
Lately he's been more open with his phone, and I've tried soo hard to get past the texting "issue." I've sent him a few texts, when he gets a text I don't get upset, he often tells me who it's from and shows it to me, I've encouraged him to reply a few times. Little stuff like that. Him being able to text anywhere near me and have me not flinch was a big deal (and yes I fought it but I know I did flinch a little even when I tried to 'act as if' it didn't bother me).
Sunday night... he got a text and photo of a race car from one of his friends, and showed it to me. I said something about the pic being cool, and was just about to walk away. He exited the text and went back to his "main" text screen (kinda looks like an email inbox), and I see her name. Not even just her name but the cute "nickname" he made up for her. Barf. I thought he had cut off non-work contact with her. It's not something we specifically discussed but he said a lot of things that led me to believe that was the case.
I was first sick to my stomach, then I got PISSED. I didn't SAY anything, just walked away and was trying to calm down. (the bad - got pissed; the good - tried to walk away rather than respond right away). I went to the kitchen... went outside to put some food on the BBQ. H dropped what he was doing and followed me. I couldn't even look at him and just wanted him away from me but he kept following me, grabbing my hand, trying to hug me. I finally hugged him back halfway, while he held me really tight and was stroking my hair and putting his head on top of mine - stuff he hasn't done EVER that I can remember. Too bad it was for such a crappy reason. I went back in the house, tried to be busy. He kept following. I mumbled under my breath "Guess you should've drowned me after all to get rid of me." I know, I know... stupid. He rushed over and hugged me again and said "Why would you say something like that? I love you way too much. I don't want anything bad to happen to you!" (first ILY since my grandma died months ago)
I was trying so hard to get calm, implement the "48 hour rule" before addressing it with him, etc. but it just wasn't gonna happen. So, I finally said "Why are you still texting her?" He was pretty upset and said he was sorry but then went on to justify why it was OK, because of what specifically he texted her about. Then - and this shocked me - he said "I don't know if I should do this or not but I want you to see the texts." The first one was one to her (yes HE initiated it, grr) "I put my ring back on today." Her reply "Your wedding ring?," his reply "Yes," her reply "Cool."
He says she "helped" him so much while he struggled to decide what to do that he wanted her to know he'd finally decided and wasn't strugging with his decision anymore. I can see that, I attempted to validate a bit. And I must admit it was nice to hear he wasn't struggling anymore - too bad it had to come from a text convo with her! It's hard for me to remember that he and I will never feel the same way about this skanky, disgusting excuse for a woman (see? I'm pretty sure that's not what he thinks of her.. ). I was proud of myself for being able to at least stay relatively calm, when every ounce of me wanted to flip out about what I think of her and what she did to our M.
Anyway.. I was glad he showed it to me and obviously it's not exactly a bad exchange but it still pissed me off. I said "H thank you for showing me that and you're right, it wasn't that bad. I just don't like you talking about ANY of our relationship stuff with her. It's hard enough for me to deal with that you work with her, but I'm not comfortable with you having any contact with her other than what you have to for work." (yay me for finally saying that directly!).
He was really upset, said it was honestly the first texts he'd exchanged with her in weeks "or maybe months now" and he was so sorry. Said it was stupid and he was mad at himself for ruining our special Sunday dinner. Said something about me not being able to trust him - I forget the exact wording but the upshot was that he understood it was going to be tough for me to trust him and he knows that I was starting to, and now this messed it up. He was very (almost overly) mad at himself for it and he "knew" that now I didn't trust him again. He actually beat himself up over it far more than I beat him up about it. I felt like I was screwing everything up at the time, but in hindsight, I'm thinking that's pretty good.
By bedtime on Sunday we were doing OK again - watched some TV together, snuggled a bit in bed. Monday morning he was extra attentive before leaving for work, and made some comment about trust again. This is where I kinda messed up again. I felt bad that HE was feeling bad about the trust thing. I couldn't get it out of my head. Also after thinking about the text exchange more, it really wasn't that bad. It was almost some "closure" for him, I think. And it wasn't really fair for me to have that expectation of him when we hadn't actually talked about it (I get pissed when he expects me to read his mind; not fair to expect him to read mine right?).
So, Monday afternoon I sent him a text (that I should have probably gotten feedback on first) "Hope you're having a good day. Thanks for reassuring me last night. I trust you. I know I get nervous and upset sometimes but I do trust you and I wanted you to know that. And I love you very, very much." (and a flirty comment at the end that I'm embarassed to post.. yeah who'd have thought, me embarassed ).
I'm not entirely sure the text was even bad, but now I'm worried that it diluted the "no contact" message from Sunday night. Like it almost negated what I said. Maybe not... maybe I'm over-thinking it. He didn't reply to it, but when we got home he thanked me for sending it and said sorry that he didn't reply, it was a busy day at work.
So.. there you have it.. latest backslide. Rusty, feel better?
I DO see a lot of positives in there too though. No it wasn't perfect or even great, but compared to our old way of interacting, it's an improvement. Trying to focus on the positive. Any feedback or thoughts are great as always!
Hope everyone's having a good week so far.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Boy could I feel your pain in that sitch - NikB!! My H had an EA with someone and then when we were separated and started getting back together, he was texting with someone else. He said it was a person he had sort of been seeing while we were separated but said he told her he was trying to work things through with me and they would not be talking anymore. She still texted him, once when he fell asleep with me at his apartment, and I saw it and totally freaked! All old feelings of EA and secrecy came flooding back. This was before I found DB and I really lost it. The pain is unbelievable and any sound can set it off.
I think you did well even though it might be considered a backslide, but we are only human and I think it was perfectly understandable. You'll be fine!
Me-48 H-48 Married 25years Sep 12/05 S-24, S-22, S-18, D-12 Dated for 9 months of S, not dating now http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1565826
