how did you figure yours out? did you read the 5 LL? or is it your lightbulb moment? Because i have hardly any clue how to fill mine.....
(I should have asked if you want the short answer of the long one. Sorry, it got very long)
Counseling helped me a lot. It gave me the first ever healthy adult male relationship. It was a safe place for me to face my fears & the anger that always boiled right under the surface.
Also the Dr gave me a healthier perspective of things. See (subconsciously) I wanted H to be my daddy, & care for my feelings, & make me happy, & take care of me, & know what I wanted & needed before I even said anything, etc etc etc
H wouldn't do it, so I turned to OM. He said he could & would. He told me that he was the only one that could. That built an incredible dependency on him that was horrible to break.
Once my psychologist got through to me that nobody could do that, but me, I had to figure it out. I didn't know how. I made a list of all the things I enjoyed doing before I got married & had kids. Then I started trying them again, to see if they gave me inner happiness.
For me, it's listening to beautiful music, walking in nature, sounds of the ocean, playing piano, reading any type of book, bubble baths, watching my kids playing & laughing, messing on the computer, paying it forward here, cooking, eating, the stillness of my house at 1 am, when it's dark & everyone's asleep, watching a hummingbird, floating weightless in my pool, eating chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven with an ice cold glass of milk, doing yoga/pilates......It's whatever gives you pleasure.
Starting school for me was HUGE. It gave me something to do that was challenging, interesting & new. It gives me instant gratification. I feel so smart right now because of it. I'm acing every unit & session on the course.
My Dr has worked with me for a year to build my assertiveness, & self worth. He kept saying "it's lovely to be able to depend on someone, it sucks big time to be dependent on someone".
I was always dependent on H to make me happy, & that's why I never was. I had to figure out how to be happy all on my own, with or without H. H had to figure out how to be happy with or without me. He thought he would emotionally die without me. He thought he would be less without his family. He thought he would be embarrassed & humiliated to admit divorce to his family & friends. He was terrified of losing his "trophy" wife.
That's what DB'ing is all about. Find happiness with or without your spouse. GAL, do a 180, take care of you first. Save yourself first. If your spouse gets a clue & wants to follow, fantastic. If not, you STILL save yourself.
Make sense ???
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
