That's pretty damn good I think. Oftentimes there's no pretty outcome possible...you just have to run damage control and work your arse off until the storm clears.
Just let her parents and the community do some work for you now. She will come around I think.
If she does ever say "I don't want to be married to you" you can always say "I wouldlnt' want to be married to the guy I was when you left either...I dont' care for him at all...I am in a much better place now, which is much better for all of us."
"I am not asking you to be married to that guy...I wouldnt want to either" I am sorry about my part in how difficult things got. That was not a mature way to handle problems in our marriage and I wasn't thinking of our family at all."
"I am now and I am not going back there. Our life together from this point on I have no idea how that looks or where it's going yet...that's up to us to work out. As long as we have our son we are going to be connected, I just want that to be the healthiest connection for all of us. I think our son would be very upset if he fully understood what was happening. He will one day and I will have to do my best to help him understand we forgot how to be good parents and friends for a while, but we learned again."
That may be too much, its just a draft...some material for you to pick and choose from.
The point is make her realise there IS a door open making her feel any pressure to enter or not. I think she may have felt there wasn't a door there in your convo...your call there. Always help her feel the door is there.
When she blurts out statements like "we never agree on anything" as calmly as you can find a way to help her feel like there is hope and common ground :
"We agree our son should have a good home, and we agree we should be as kind as possible to each other. I am doing my best to be everything I can for this family. I am really upset sometimes about how this is going to hurt our son. I really am just trying to take the time to fully assess the impact of permanent sweeping choices on this family. We aren't just two people, we are a family."
"Our son is common ground, he always will be. I am not going to do anything to hurt him or you, and I hope you can find the means to feel the same."
I dunno...just try to make her feel like the conflict between you two is in HER head and there is hope. She's saying negative things because she's miserable...it happens...when people feel sad and hopeless, they get REALLY NEGATIVE and pick a punching bag. You just have to take up the cross and carry it for her until she gets centered again.
I assumed she asked if I thought we had a chance so she could shoot me down. She just got done saying she didn't want to be married to me. Poor choice of words on her part to say she's worried about us getting back together. I made it clear I was not expecting reconciliation
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
I am wondering if you showing her sister that video "Geurilla divorce busting" would help..its only fourty minutes, but it really packs a punch.
That video is designed for family and community members, to inspire them to be supportive and helpful for marriages in trouble. That may be helpful for her sister to see that right now...you would have to gauge how you think she would handle that.
in conflicts like these, it gets political, and you really need to know who is supporting you, who is bowing out, and who is there to see your marriage end. The latter is usually only the OM. But its always circumstances to gauge. You need to find out who your friends truly are, and show them how they can help.
I assumed she asked if I thought we had a chance so she could shoot me down. She just got done saying she didn't want to be married to me. Poor choice of words on her part to say she's worried about us getting back together. I made it clear I was not expecting reconciliation
Those are always a tough call. Sometimes they are looking for hope and a warm gesture on your part that you bear no ill will towards her and she is welcome back anytime, in other cases they feel pressure from you and want to dispell that (oftentimes the pressure to reconcile is only thier conscience in their head talking).
You have to gauge her tone, she may have been baiting you so she can shoot you down, it is hard to say from your notes here. If you feel like she wants you to extend a hand and tell her you would welcome her to be with you and that you don't hate her, and you only love her then throw her a rope. If you think she wants to shoot you down, dodge the bullet by changing the subject.
You just have to learn to guide the conversation into safer waters. If you let her push it into something hostile and you just REACT from your mood, she is gonig to bury you and everyone will just have one more reason to push for divorce.
Always try to guide the conversation into something warm and hopeful. It isnt' always possible. Guide her to warm places if you can, and keep doing that each conversation. She will gradually come to realise being around you isn't painful at all and its in HER HEAD.
Right now she sill feels pretty wary is my bet. It takes time to indirectly show someone you are worth a shot. It takes patience and time...hmm..I think tha'ts a song... lol Anyways...don't beat yourself up over hte convo, we handle them as best we can.
You didn't yell, you stayed calm, you tried to keep her feeling good about herself and didn't attack her even after she baited you to do so...shes looking for a reason to divorce you, dont let her bait you into giving her one. She's really looking for you to attack her verbally so she can feel less guilty. Just be a guardian angel and she will have nothing to do but question who she is and if she isn't being too hasty.
Just let your pastor and others work on her. I would be sure to let the pastor know what her parent said, i can't imagine he would be too thrilled with their approach. lol
He may have talk some sense into your in laws first before approaching her. If she's worked on, but her home is not educated, its a much tougher battle. We need to get the environment setup so she can come back easily and safely.
You have a lot of support dude, use it. Most of us don't have that luxury and are going it alone.
Be as accomodating as you can to your pastor, i think he's your Ace of Spades here. If he knows you will do whatever he wants then he will be really adamant about the marriage working out. He just needs to know you have matured into a responsible family member.
Other men just look like predators in comparison to that.
My guess is you would NEVER even think about violating a home like this guy has done now that you have lived through it.
It is a real wake up call to have someone creep into your home, take a chainsaw to your marriage, and turn your spouse against you in an eyeblink. My guess is you really understand how delicate a household is now, and how important it is to support and protect it at all costs.
THIS GUY, this OM, clearly isn't mature enough to grasp that, so he's going to make a lot of mistakes in teh LONG TERM, right now he just looks like an ass. You two may have been the same guy some time ago, but my guess is you have far outdistanced him on the maturity scale now.
I assumed she asked if I thought we had a chance so she could shoot me down. She just got done saying she didn't want to be married to me. Poor choice of words on her part to say she's worried about us getting back together. I made it clear I was not expecting reconciliation
It is important that you let her know its still possible and that there is love and hope in you. She needs to know this is there if you want her t oconsider it.
Like runningoutoftime said, keep the door open, make sure she' knows the door is there, but don't do ANYTHING to pressure her to walk through it. She must walk that herself. Otherwise she's just going to cheat again.
she just told me that she is ecstatic about who I have become but I don't hold the place in her heart as someone she wants to spend the rest of her life with
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
"My door is always open for you. You are the mother of my child."
I think that's enough to let her know she can turn to you without any backlash. She's expecting a lot of crap thrown at her if she comes back to you. She isnt looking forward to the doghouse. You need to let her know that there is no doghouse waiting for her.
I think what i wrote there is pretty good. If you can write song lyrics you should be able to edit that draft to something better too if you have the time. Otherwise I think its acceptable as is...there's always room for improvement, there just isn't always time for it.
If she does hit you with "Are you expecting me to get back together with you" you can hit her with this maybe :
"I am not expecting anything. I am taking everything a day at a time. My door is never shut to you, we have been through way too much together for me to hold grudges or be angry. Right now the place I am at, hostility and conflict are the furthest thing from my mind. I just want everything as happy as possible for us."
I said in response that I'm not sure why she keeps telling me that but thank you for being honest, and I'm only concerned that our son has a great life
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
