Craziest thing. Yesterday morning, I was sure that I was sure about what was going on and what I was going to do and all the rest. Then, I saw my W for a couple of hours during the afternoon and when she left, I asked for and gave her a hug. She is still quite pissed and she said something that just kind of clicked again with some things that MIL said. What I realized is that while I have grown immensely, it is in an area that isn't terribly relevant to the biggest problem we are having right now, how I deal with the kids. Hey, finally being a sociable person is great if I end up divorced. It doesn't matter as much in the relationships that are already established. Then, I got to thinking, What if I'm wrong? What if my wife has not done any thing unfaithful? What if she has? Am I ready to move on? So, I started thinking, what if I spent the next 6 months honestly applying the DB principles and worked 100% on creating the same kind of change in how I relate to and treat my kids as I have in how I relate to and treat adults? Might I find that in 6 months, W isn't quite so serious about D and might I find that things are improving and better between us? I might. What is the worst thing that can happen? What is the most that I can lose by spending another 6 months working on this? The only thing I can really say that I would lose is 6 months of living like I'm single again. My W is more than worth that and I truly am still madly in love with her. When I don't see her for a while, I start to forget and then I only think of how I'm getting screwed. When I see her for just a couple of hours, I'm smitten again.
26 weeks. Surely I can work hard at this for 26 weeks. If in 6 months, I've had real deep identity level change in these other areas and still there is nothing changing between W and I, then it will be time to move on. In either case, I will have transformed the relationship between my kids and I and that is something that needs doing regardless.
Yes, I need to stop the snooping. I'm doing much better on that front. I'm thinking that like the LRT, I need to approach this as if my marriage is already dead and gone. We have a MC appointment in just under 2 weeks. I'm not sure what that will bring. I really think that my only goal should be for us to have another appointment the following month and then to work my hind quarters off changing things with respect to the kids.
This then is the struggle, to lay hold of a vision and to pursue that vision not letting the circumstances or fear or doubt divert my actions from the pursuit of the vision.
