The Wifey - trying hard not to cry.

[The Wifey]

(((Forest Gump, NikB, Ken)))

I believe I hit rock bottom this morning when I looked at the depressing apartment. I took a good look in the mirror and realized that DB will work and that I have to make a commitment to it. What I am doing isn't working and it hurts way too much, for both of us.

So, I've been away from home all day and spent most of the day laying in the sun getting a tan. Right now I am sitting on the porch at my mom's having a cold drink and checking in here, then I'm going to work on some paperwork for my job.

I'd stopped earlier to the MIL's. H was there because he'd been helping his dad cut firewood in the morning. I played it cool and asked if he was going to get any (motorcycle) riding in. He said he was on his way home to finish cutting the lawn and then he was going to meet his friend and ride. Told him I was glad to hear it, have a nice ride.

This is how it has to be. I get it now.

Ken, the fear I think goes back to when I was a kid and my parents owned and ran a campground for 20 years. I was 13 when they bought it and basically never had my parents focus on us after that. It was hard on me and my two sisters. We came to hate the business. We rarely had their undivided attention after that and we always had to share them. Even visiting after we got married wasn't really visiting, until two years ago when they finally sold the place.

Then when I was 16 my Dad had a PA and I watched my mom go through hell. I didn't know if my family would stay together or not. I was dating my husband then and he was who I turned to. He'd been there ever since as my rock, until the bomb.

I think maybe I never learned to stand on my own two feet. I went right from my parents to my husband. Its time to start understanding that I am ok with just me. I have a good job and make a decent amount of money. I can take care of myself financially.

What I need to work on is my self-esteem. I need to GAL like crazy because there really are things I like to do that I've held back from because my h didn't want to do them. Since the bomb dropped I haven't even touched my sweater that I am knitting. I've just turned into a ball of hurt.

I don't want to hurt like this. I can't let the fear that things won't work out stop me from taking steps to take care of me.

If worse comes to worse, Nik, in some strange way I would want to be his friend. I would actually want to keep being in his life and ml to him. If he remained in my life and just didn't want to be married to me I would hope to be strong enough to accept that.

Well, off to do my work. Tonight I am going to move my stuff into my s's old bedroom. I bought a cute lamp at a yard sale for beside the bed. I'll be looking for curtains this week, I decided.

Got to be cool and strong. Thanks, guys for the words of support and the 2x4's. I needed both. Its nice to know that I still have tonight, tomorrow and the next months to work at this. It isn't over until the fat lady sings, and she hasn't even cleared her throat yet.