When I spoke with the kids' IC and my IC about these kinds of issues, they both told me the only thing I can do is remind them that they can talk to me whenever they are in an uncomfortable position, or if they don't feel safe. It would be the same advice, even if we were still together. That keeps the lines of communication open so they feel safe to share.
I've read on some other threads that some kids keep a journal with one or both parents. They write, and then the parent can respond in writing. It makes it easier for some kids to share. And if your kids get upset by something x did, you have it in their writing for him to consider, instead of coming from you (since they think we are the cause of any and all problems).
Hug your babies when they are with you, and remember the foundation that you are giving them, which will help them weather these changes.
As for the journal yes I do keep one, we call it here our feelings journal.
They write to me when they are upset or feel that they can't tell me something, they put it under my pillow, then i respond and put it under thier pillow.
My D used to draw in it, and now her writing skills are getting so wonderful she can write in it to me.
Thank you for reminding me about the foundation, you are right.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
I can't tell you how much I respect you. You just seem so.... good. Yeah, that's it... good. And that will serve you well. I wish there was some magic pill to make this feel better, but maybe hearing from all the people who think you are special can ease the pain a bit.
And, thank you for posting. It is hard to keep struggling out in front of everyone. (I know, I have been here forever and just started a new thread). But, people need to see this stuff, too. Not just the busted divorces. This is the stuff we all learn from.
Oh Bean...I'm so sorry babe. I can't even imagine frankly. Ick. But I know you realize you can't control it so that just leaves you with acceptance. Acceptance that you can't control it...not that his behavior is ok.
He's just digging his own grave with your S by shoving this down his throat. Selfish SOB. Blech. But as Ian said, as long as he has you as his compass he'll be ok. Teach him right from wrong, validate his feelings, teach him acceptance and love...its all you can do and its all he needs.
But I know you realize you can't control it so that just leaves you with acceptance. Acceptance that you can't control it...not that his behavior is ok.